Our cold open this episode is somewhat rough, and might merit a trigger warning for sexual violence.
We open in an attractive park at night, with romantic lighting throughout, with various couples out on a date, including Marcus, a popular boy at high school, and Rachel, a classmate who wants to be a figure skater. Marcus talks her into a race through the woods, an alleged shortcut to the concert they’re going to attend, and stops in a clearing, where he makes it very clear that he would rather have sex. She declines, and then three other boys show up and hold her down while Marcus takes out a knife and orders her to comply, with only one of the boys, Scott, showing any indication that he doesn’t want to be there. Rachel manages to struggle away and run, only to be hit by a car and badly mangled by it in her attempt to escape.

A year later we find Rachel, now quadriplegic, being urged by her mother to “move on with her life” instead of wallowing in her anger. The two go to a yard sale, and while her mother is distracted, a stock Sinister Old Man gives Rachel an antique wheel-chair, claiming that it cured him when he was paralyzed. Meanwhile, at the shop, Micki and Johnny have two relatively easy retrievals scheduled, an umbrella and a wheel-chair, when Micki receives a telegram from Jack telling her that he’s tracked down the Shard of Medusa (previously) and needs her help, leaving Johnny to put away the just recovered umbrella and find the wheel-chair on his own. He arrives at the previous owner’s house just too late to recover it, as Rachel has had her mother set it up in her room and place her in it so that she can watch the world out her window. While doing so, Rachel leaves her body in an apparent bit of astral projection (possibly, her degree of corporealness is never made entirely clear), and goes to hunt down the boys who assaulted her, finding them breaking into the school to steal tests. She corners one of the boys in the chem lab, scaring him into knocking over a shelf of chemicals, which gruesomely burn him to death. As she runs away, she is cornered by the Sinister Old Man, who tells her, in essence, to keep killing in order to let the chair heal her, and when she returns to her body, she discovers that she can move her fingers again.

The next day, Johnny tracks down Rachel, who is refusing her mother’s request to have the doctor investigate her miraculous recover, and speaks to her mother about possibly buying back the wheel-chair. Her mother, despite her obvious unease over Rachel’s obsession with the chair, refuses, so Johnny goes to the local high-school to get more information on Rachel, further blurring the question of how old Johnny is supposed to be since no one bats an eye at this grown man asking questions about a teenage girl. In any case, Scott tells Johnny the whole story about Rachel’s accident and Marcus masterminding the rape attempt, and that Rachel appears to be somehow getting back at them now, to absolutely no sympathy for their plight from Johnny. Scott next meets up with Marcus, and says he wants to go to the police in the hopes it will save them from Rachel, but Marcus threatens to kill Scott if he tries, and reminds them that “it’s our word against hers” which I suppose answers the question of how the investigation into Rachel’s injury went. Johnny tracks down the third remaining boy, Ed, and arrives just in time to see Rachel push him off the roof of the building. When she returns home, she has movement in her arms and neck again, and outside her house the Sinister Old Man smiles approvingly.

Later that night, Marcus breaks into Rachel’s house and threatens her unless she stops whatever is causing his friends to die. Johnny shows up, roughs him up, and scares him off, before moving to take the wheel-chair himself. Rachel begs him not to, refusing to listen to his protestations that the chair is evil and costing her her soul, while she insists that the boys deserve to die for what they did to her. The Sinister Old Man stops Johnny from leaving the house, and warns him that Marcus will return, so if Johnny takes the chair she’ll have no way to defend herself, and in any case, it’s not up to Johnny to decide who lives, who dies, and if Rachel should risk her soul in the first place. Reluctantly, Johnny lets the Sinister Old Man take the chair back to Rachel. While Johnny is, presumably, driving home, Scott makes his way to Curious Goods, where he’s has been found by Rachel, who wasted no time projecting herself out again. Rachel tricks Scott into thinking they’re going to have sex, and then drops the shop’s chandelier lamp onto him, killing him, with Johnny again arriving too late to do more than witness Rachel escaping. At her home, Rachel’s mother demands an explanation for what’s going on, and when told that Rachel is using the chair to heal herself by killing, pulls her away from the chair. Rachel attempts to stab her mother with the knife Marcus left behind when he broke in. Marcus, who was hiding in the house again, knocks Rachel’s mother out and stalks toward Rachel, who is crawling for the chair. The two struggle back and forth, and in the end Rachel pulls Marcus down the stairs, which kills both of them. Johnny takes the chair back to the shop, where the Sinister Old Man attempts to buy it back from him, gloating that no matter what Johnny does evil will always win, laughing as he leaves while Johnny fruitlessly attempts to destroy the chair.

Usually when the show attempts a sympathetic villain, one whose use of the cursed antique could maybe be seen as justified, it doesn’t really work. This episode mostly avoids that problem by very strongly implying that the Sinister Old Man is the real villain of the piece, manipulating Rachel into using the chair and tricking Johnny into doubting himself and the necessity of containing the cursed objects. The episode is also well balanced between the guest cast and Steven Monarque, and there’s a lot of good character development for Johnny now that he’s being asked to carry the story on his own. The rape elements of the story are mostly handled tastefully, with the creative limits of 80s syndicated tv probably deserving the bulk of the credit, since at multiple points it seems like the show creator’s really want to do a riff on I Spit On Your Grave and other rape-revenge films.

A Very Robey 80s

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A Midsummer Night’s Dream, 1987 Signet ed., William Shakespeare
The best dirty jokes are the one’s people don’t realize are dirty anymore.

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Cold opens! We have cold opens now! In this one, a family of monster hunters, two brothers in the field, Dad and Sis in the tracking van, are closing in on a demon when it gets the jump on the younger of the brothers and impales him on a handy piece of farm equipment.

Over at the shop, while a handy readout in the corner counts down to midnight, Micki reassures Jack that the power surges are a result of the oncoming storm and nothing that requires a late-night electrician visit, though frankly his anxiety seems more motivated by the fact that, with Ryan deaged he’s now legally co-owner with Micki. There’s also a mysterious package from a museum containing an Enochian Dagger, used by demon worshipers, which wasn’t bought from Lewis Vendredei but donated in his name several months ago. We then cut back to our monster hunters, who flashback to some time in the past when they rescued Sis from…a demon worshiping cult. Sis and her tracking equipment have located a much more powerful source of negative energy than the demon, somewhere in the heart of the city, while Bro notes that everytime they get close to this monster, Sis somehow manages to lose track of it. But Dad decides to go to the city because the monster is probably headed there. Because sure. Also, there is technology to track evil and the heroes don’t use it?

At the shop, Micki and Jack are putting the dagger away, while Jack expositions the nature of demon worship and summoning to Micki, when Jack cuts his hand in the dark and both note that the blood drops on the floor drain away oddly. So naturally they call Johnny to come help. Not for his expertise, but because there’s probably going to be some heavy lifting involved. Our monster hunters meanwhile, have tracked the demon to an abandoned farm, in between flashbacks to that time they killed a bunch of people and the time Sis talked Dad into tracking down the demon. When Johnny gets to the shop, they pull up the slab on the floor of the Vault and find an entire demonic temple in the sub-basement, with tunnels leading into the sewer system. Jack finds the demonic contracts, and also realizes that Lewis Vendredei must have built the vault to contain demons that escaped, in case anyone has been mulling over that loose plot point for two seasons. Oh, and the demon kills Bro over at the farmhouse.

Micki notices, while trying to read the demonic contracts, that one appears to be dated with “today’s” date, which means, according to Jack, that tonight at midnight is when the contract is due, which means that both the demon and person it’s contracted with will be heading back to the temple tonight. Jack also figures out that the demon, Ahriman, has been tasked with killing the enemies of the cult that summoned him, and if he kills them all before the contract runs out, the cult members killed by the monster hunters will be resurrected. Just as the gang starts to realize that they need to set a trap for the demon and it’s summoner, Dad and Sis show up and immediately presume, with some nudging from Sis, that Jack, Micki and Johnny are the remaining demon cultists. Our heroes get locked into the temple, while the demon hunters go to prepare, and Johnny makes a plan to break back into the vault and use the items there to defend themselves and stop the demon, which Jack objects to because evil. While they break out anyway, and Dad wires up the shop with explosives, Sis goes upstairs, lets the demon in and reveals the mark which indicates that she’s the one who summoned it, surprising no one. Dad barely survives an encounter with the demon, and the gang subdue Sis and discover her mark, which, when everyone is locked into the vault, prompts Sis to finally confess her plan, which somehow is still not enough for Dad to get a clue. After a grenade mishap, Johnny struggles with the demon and Dad stabs Sis with the Enochian Dagger in the confusion, ending the contract and sending the demon back to hell via a convenient pit. And now the shop has a huge, demon-warded and sealed sub-basement for storing more antiques.

After the big, game-changing, extra-length opener to the season, I’m not sure if I like coming back to an episode that bucks the format a bit. The antique, the Enochian Dagger, is a bit of a cheat, since the real menace is the demon summoned at some unspecified point in the past, with the Dagger acting mostly as a deus ex machina for the resolution. It is nice when the show opens itself up to the suggestion of a supernatural reality outside the antiques, but we then spend a good chunk of the episode following the demon hunters around, and frankly they’re not interesting or well developed characters. The only notable thing about them is that Sis is a traitor, and that’s pretty baldy telegraphed right at the start. The main cast isn’t given much to do, either, but stand around the shop and read papers and exposition at each other.

A Very Robey 80s

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The Midwich Cuckoos, c. 1990 ed., John Wyndham
Another book of which I own multiple editions.

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Our third and final season opens with a 30 second recap of the show premise, for the benefit of new viewers. We then cut to a provincial village in France, and either the production moved up to a more cinematic film stock or the makers of the home video version didn’t even attempt to clean up the master tapes. In any case, Jack arrives at midnight, and attempts to get a room at the local hotel, apparently having come to meet with a miraculous healing nun, Sister Adele. That usually means a cursed antique is nearby, and sure enough, at 3:33 AM, the clock tower starts ringing eerily distorted chimes, waking the entire town. In an abandoned building, a mysterious figure reads from a book of prophecy, and at the convent, an elderly nun convulses as she becomes possessed by an evil force. She tries to strangle Sister Adele with her rosary, before expiring when the priest, Father Decrux shows up to begin exorcising the room.

Back at the shop, Micki spends some time to exposition at Johnny about how Ryan is depressed because it’s the fourteenth anniversary of his brother’s death, so he’s hanging out at the cemetery. While he’s there, Ryan’s long-missing mother reappears, claiming that she’s been having visions of Ryan’s death. Back in France, Jack tries to see Sister Adele but is given the brush off by Decrux, so an old lady tells him that he must help Sister Adele by telling people of the attempt on her life, which was apparently the latest of several cases of possessed nuns going on murderous rampages, which only begs the question of why the other nuns have stuck around. Jack stakes out the convent and sees the Decrux sneak Sister Adele out and into another building in town. At 3:33 the mysterious figure begins reading again, this time setting “the beasts” on Sister Adele, which mostly consists of lots of barking dogs and one German Shepard actually attacking her. Jack saves the pair, and the dog appears to say “Nema” before dying.

This act gets Decrux to trust Jack, but it also marks the point where the people of the village have had enough, and start leaving town, to be replaced by TV Satanists (you can tell because they wear black and have weird haircuts). Jack tries to persuade Adele to let him help in the face of the most powerful supernatural manifestation he’s ever seen, but she insists that everything that is happening is according to the vision she was given ten years ago, when her healing powers manifested. Specifically, that the fallen angel Asteroth would attempt to corrupt the sacred shrine waters with the powers of the Book of Lucifer. Apparently, when the book’s six prophecies are fulfilled, Satan will walk the Earth, and two of the prophecies have already come true.

Over in Not Canada, Micki is packing, having been asked by Jack to bring over all the relevant research they have, which Ryan isn’t happy about, having just reconciled with his mother. At the airport, Ryan and his mother see a going away ceremony for a young girl in a wheelchair, Chris, who is headed to the village for healing. While boarding, Chris has a vision and tells Ryan not to get on the plane, but we’ve got an hour left on this extra-long episode, so…he boards anyway. And in the village, Asteroth starts the next prophecy, driving the psychiatric patients Adele had been treating into a frenzy, murdering nurses and orderlies. Jack, notices that the patients all seem to be calling out to a specific building. He breaks in to confront Asteroth and is given a vision of Satan’s plans for Earth, which are mostly stock footage of nuclear explosions and riots, before being tossed down the stairs.

Micki and Ryan arrive to find a comatose Jack in the hospital being watched over by Sister Adele, who explains the situation to them, while in town people seeking healing start to trickle in, along with more TV Satanists. Since everyone is caught up, Asteroth puts in a public appearance at the sacred spring, causing the waters to boil during a healing ceremony and pretty much just flat out yelling his plans at the assembled masses. Including that one of the people gathered there will become Satan’s disciple, and seeming to point at Ryan while doing so. (SPOILER: he was totally pointing at Ryan. Boy just can’t help but get possessed by Satanists, apparently.) Micki and Ryan chase after Asteroth, which doesn’t do much except give him a chance to capture Ryan and put a spell on him. And while John LeMay does some passable “I am possessed” acting, Asteroth breaks into a crypt to use as his next HQ.

As Micki researches the situation, possessed Ryan goes to the convent and kills Adele. Micki calls Johnny, busy reassuring Ryan’s mother that everything will be okay, to come over to France to help, just before the police break in to her hotel room to interrogate her. While that happens, Asteroth announces that the next phase of his plan is to have Ryan, somehow, arrange for Satan to possess Chris. Johnny arrives during Adele’s midnight funeral and gets Micki out of police custody by pointing out that they haven’t actually arrested her, and the two go to find Ryan, refusing to believe he’s responsible for the murder. And then, right under the nose of the police, Ryan kidnaps Chris from the funeral procession.

Jack wakes up while this is going on, having had visions of what Asteroth is up with Ryan and Chris, and break out of the hospital. He meets up with Micki and Johnny and the three of them piece together what Asteroth is planning. Asteroth, meanwhile, is not having an easy go of it, with Chris rejecting Satan even after he heals her legs and lets her walk again. On top of which, just as he goes to sacrifice Chris anyway, Ryan suddenly remembers his little brother, overcomes the possession, and takes the stab meant for Chris, just as the rest of the gang arrives. Only, instead of dying, Ryan is deaged fifteen years, turning into a preteen boy, because apparently the prophecy was about him after all. And then the Virgin Mary manifests as a huge flaming sphere above the village and destroys Asteroth and the Book of Lucifer. Chris has them take Ryan to the sacred waters and prays for the Virgin Mary’s intercession in chasing out the last of whatever Satanic power still controls Ryan, becoming the new holy child of the convent in the process. And Ryan’s memory has also regressed, which makes for some interesting explaining when they take him back to his mother in America.

So, my original memory of this episode was that the first half was used as a cliffhanger for season two, but I can’t find any evidence to back that up online. In any case, it’s being presented as the third season opener, as one extra-long episode here. It’s a bit of an odd episode, not surprisingly, since the point of it largely seems to be to get John LeMay written off the show. The story largely repeats a lot of the same beats from the previous installment, though, including Ryan’s possession and Satanic plots, so despite the French setting and extra length, the whole thing feels more than a little repetitive. Instead of an antique, we’ve got more hints of a larger supernatural world, and frustratingly not much is done with out after the initial infodump. That the threat is ultimately defeated not by the heroes but by a literal deus ex machine is fairly frustrating too. All told, it’s a pretty disappointing way to open the final season.

A Very Robey 80s


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