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Religious Halloween merchandise featuring born-again pumpkins:

“Daddy, does this mean the pumpkin is saved?”
“I suppose it does, Timmy.”
“So even a pumpkin’s sins can be washed clean by the blood of the redeemer?”
“Well, er, yes. I suppose so.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes Timmy?”
“How can an inanimate object sin?”
“You’re going to hell for heresy, you know that, right Timmy?”
“Yes Daddy.”

Young Romance #196 teaches all of us some valuable lessons. The chief lesson is that romance comics are way fucking creepy.

Pity poor Debbie…she’s forced to bear witness to the most melodramatic divorce this side of a Lifetime movie. Although I do believe that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a family separate for the sake of the children’s reputation.

Fortunately, Debbie’s mom has an empty void in her life and an inability to function without thinking of herself as a man’s property, so she’s right back in the dating scene.

“Such a charming man…why, he even compliments my teenage daughter on how attractive she is. And he’s always picking out these fancy clothes for her, wanting to spend time alone with her. What a perfect step-dad!”

Fortunately, before this becomes a “very special” episode of Degrassi, Debbie goes out with her pseudo-hippie boyfriend and discovers what her step-dad gets up to when Mom isn’t around, and the marriage is thankfully K.O.-ed.

Of course, Mom’s not complete without a man, so…

At least she appears to be marrying into money this time, and not into the Marina.

Is the creepiness over?

First rule of Fight Club: do NOT flirt with your step-brother. Wait, that’s not right…

Okay, the kid is probably right, but it can’t get any creepier, right?

“It’s right for us,” in addition to being one of the all-time lamest come on lines, right up there with “Just touch it”, only becomes even more disturbing in the context of being spoken to your step-sister.
Remember kids, implied incest is WRONG!

Anyway, Debbie briefly comes to her senses and takes up with her boyfriend not related to her by marriage.

“How dare you make out with some stranger boy when you’ve got a perfectly good step-brother at home, young lady!”

It’s at this point that Debbie’s step-brother proposes they run off together, but Debbie tells him “no glove, no love.” No, wait, that’s not right. She refuses to go with him unless they get married. I’m not sure in what state their love is legal, but there you go. So she runs back to Bill, only he wants nothing to do with her because her mom yelled at him.
Bill, you’re an idiot.

Luckily the story ends on this hopeful and not at all creep-tastic note.

So, remember back at the beginning, when Debbie asked us to judge her?

Debbie, what you did was sick and wrong!

Given the inhumane methods in which they are trapped and trained, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to expose their loved ones, much less their children, to a Father Christmas.

Especially given the gruesome consequences of one going bad:

“Daddy, when can we be on one of your records?”
“When you make as much money as the little rats. Now bring Daddy another Scotch.”

Here is a brief update on the War on Christmas: the vile racism of one S. Claus.

Dane Cook is not funny?
Wow you are a lesbo. Add c u next tuesday to that mix also.
jealous no body
Fann

I’ve heard of them pulling stuff like this: trolling the net and flaming anyone who dares to say anything negative about their hero. I didn’t really think a casual mention of the unfunny joke thief would warrant any attention from them. Now, getting flamed by Hitchens defenders, yeah, that I expected.

Normally, I just delete obviously trolling comments. But that one is unintentionally funny on so many levels I left it up.

Dave recasts the couple:

Kevin Church is a very bad man.

Andrew gives us a three-fer.

Kevin’s Validius

Brandon’s Wood