Ever wondered why, exactly, Wonder Woman traded in her eagle bustier for the drab “WW” design?

No, Diana, no! Go with your first instinct! Yeah, granted, cupping your breasts inside eagle wings was an…odd fashion choice, but anything is better than a W on top of another W. And trying to make it into some kind of feminist statement is a really sad way to attempt to justify doing what your mother says only to avoid hurting her feelings.

I mean, it was bad enough when you ditched the skirt…

I had a rather uneventful weekend. The most exciting things I did were clean the bathtub and go to a pot-luck at a friend’s house. One of those things was fun, the other was not. I would have gone to see Crank, but I hadn’t realized that it was playing until late Sunday. This is what comes of not having access to cable or broadcast television or a daily paper.

I attempted to make polenta fries for the pot-luck, but they didn’t come out as I wanted them to. I think next time I’ll have to try different seasonings and alter my cooking method.

Anyway…there’s this comic that that disreputable scoundrel Mike forced me to buy a couple of weeks ago. It’s called Dam and it was published in 1997. It’s a fairly typical example of the “shock value for the sake of shock value” school of comedy. That is, it has mistaken being deliberately offensive for being funny. In other words, if you like that kind of humor, stick with Yungbluth, Brunetti and Zdarsky and you’ll be fine, because those guys are actually funny.

Anyway, again…there’s some sort of odd “gay Superman” “parody” in there that’s just…well, even I’m not sure quite what to make of it. I mean, look:

See what I mean? The tone of it overall is just a bit shy of being blatantly homophobic, but also reads a bit like a Harry Chess story. (And I would love to link to one, but there’s a dearth of material on-line, unless you want to see a grainy black-and-white picture of creator Al Shapiro…time to dig out my copies of Meatmen.)

This image, despite being on the cover, appears nowhere in the actual book itself:

There are some iterations of characters that I’m glad the Crisis wiped out.

Just before her wedding to Steve Trevor, Diana has one more of her vision-dream-things. Only in this one, she somehow manages to not fall in love with, well, anyone. In fact, she comes across as, well, a bit of a ball-breaker this time.

See what I mean? No time for mooning over Steve this time. She’s come to put the “debauched, war-mongering race of men” in their place. Which is beneath her boot. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be some nightmarish version of what a “feminist” world is supposed to look like, or a fetish for a dominating woman taken a little far, but it’s…kinda creepy to see Diana in border-line Punisher mode and full-on misandry.

Hey, now, you lay off of Pan, lady! If I were a pagan he would totally be one of my patrons!

Steve and Wonder Woman land on the building while it’s under attack by terrorists. Naturally, she leaps enthusiastically into the fray, eager to beat some sense into some men!

Hey, look, an Omac swipe!

Oh, relax. She decides to catch him. Only because she’s not done beating him up yet.

Diana isn’t too appreciative of the city’s efforts to thank her. Frankly, she’s more than a little stuck-up about it. It’s starting to seem like she’s getting more than a little corrupted by her power and her mission to discipline men.

Vanity, thy name is Wonder Woman

No, there’s nothing decadent about that at all…

Predictably, Diana eventually takes things a tad too far, and tries to over-throw the American government and take the Presidency by force. Steve Trevor has been lying in wait for her to make this move, however, and he and the military men under his command ambush Diana. Or, you know, that’s what we’re supposed to think, but since Steve is kind of a tool, he was probably just hiding out from Diana in the White House all this time and her coup attempt botched his plans. And so he had to make himself look good in front of his boss.

Hands up who didn’t see this coming? Oh, yeah, the people who have never read a comic book before.

She totally stole that little sneer from Billy Idol.

So after all these unsettling dreams, Diana’s a little nervy of going through with the wedding. She decides to give it a shot, in the hopes that getting it over with will help settle her mind. Plus, you know, all the guests are on their way, the caterer cashed the check…you know how it goes. Good thing nothing ever goes wrong at a super-hero wedding, huh?

Told you Steve was a jerk. At the altar yet.

Turns out Steve can’t go through with the wedding because he’s, get this, too upset over the death of Diana Prince. Turns out her death made him realize how important she was to him, and now he’s not certain whether he loves the flesh-and-blood Amazon or the dead mousy aide more. And so it wouldn’t be fair to Diana to marry her until he knows whether it’s her or, er, Diana he really loves.
That’s got to be the lamest cold feet excuse ever. Luckily, while Diana’s feeling sorry for herself, she gets one more visit from the Sandman. Who knocks her out and kidnaps her. Because he loves her so much. Yeeaahhh…

Would a “roofie dust” joke be in bad taste?

Anyway…Sandman kidnaps Wonder Woman and takes her into the Dream Dimension. Diana decides that, you know, maybe dating the stalker wouldn’t be so bad, at least he pays attention to her. (Have I ever mentioned that Diana has really lousy taste in men before?) They take an extremely Freudian unicorn ride across the dreamscape when Diana is attacked by the shadow creature once more. Turns out the shadow creature is some kind of dream monster, a manifestation of all her fears and self-loathing, but once it’s caught by the golden lasso it’s destroyed, because now Diana has confronted the truth about her doubts. Or, because we’ve only got two pages left to the comic. Take your pick.
At this point the Sandman realizes that he doesn’t actually love Diana, he just enjoyed watching her dreams and mistook that fondness for her for love. So, he’s not an obsessive stalker after all, just a voyeur. Oh, that’s much better. Diana returns to reality, and the book ends on this charming note.

And Steve is immediately back to ignoring Diana Prince’s existence, because he’s too busy making out with Wonder Woman. Status Quo successfully maintained!

One of the more baffling “wouldn’t it be cool” games that fanboys and girls play is the “wouldn’t it be cool if Superman and Wonder Woman got together? You know…in that way?” And no, no it wouldn’t. Because both characters have far too much history and story elements built into their existing supporting cast and romantic subplots. Such a pairing just doesn’t fit the tone for either character. But that’s a rant for another day.

In this instance, as her plane plummets to Earth, Wonder Woman’s most recent vision is of how her life would be different if, somehow, Superman had crashed into the waters off Paradise Island. Weakened by a cloud of kryptonite dust or something, I guess.

Dispensing with the rather silly gold and crystal carpets, Kal-El simply floats all the time as he recovers on Paradise Island and makes googly eyes at Diana. Disturbingly, there’s a really uncomfortable element of ubermenschen to their courtship.

They have a small service in Metropolis so that all of Superman’s friends can attend. Apparently none of Diana’s relations are invited to this ceremony, despite the fact that Hippolyta approves of the pairing this go-around. And even though this is Wonder Woman’s book, Superman’s supporting players manage to remain in character.

Yep, Perry’s an ass and Jimmy’s an idiot.

Things get off to a promising start. I mean, what could possibly go wrong in a relationship where both partners have demanding, high pressure occupations?

Excuse me? Too dangerous? Who was it who saved your alien ass from drowning again?

An errant splash of lava from an exploding volcano results in the closest thing to fan service this book gets.

Creepy exhibistionistic super-sex. Ew.

Proving that Clark’s supporting cast really are dumb as fence-posts, no one notices that Superman and Clark both got married to statuesque brunettes at the same time. And both Clark and his new wife have a habit of rushing off whenever there’s a crisis.
The Daily Planet is really a terrible paper, isn’t it?

Why do I get the feeling that dressing isn’t the only time Clark’s worried about “saving time?” It would explain the disgruntled expression.

Ultimately, the pressure of the relationship proves to be too much for both of them. They never see each other, and when they do see each other they spend all their time bickering over never seeing each other. At least there were no little super-children to be traumatized by the dysfunction that settles into the relationship before it reaches it’s only logical conclusion.

Of course she goes back home to her mother. It wouldn’t be a soapy melodrama without one last little cliche, now would it?

Diana manages to wake up and avoid crashing her plane, but she’s rather disturbed by the vividness and unhappy nature of all these visions she’s been having. She gets some sound advice from other Amazons, and a comforting call from Steve before, you guessed it, passing out again.

Really? You wonder if the Sandman might have anything to do with this? The “Master of the Dream Dimension” who has been spying on you, involved somehow? Who’da thunk it?

Tomorrow, someone’s fetish is realized as we discover the fate of the Feminazi Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman again dreams of what her life would have been like if the events leading up to Steve Trevor crashing his plane had gone differently. This time Diana dreams of what would have happened if someone other than good old Steve had been a lousy pilot. Meet Trevor Stevens.

I wonder if this is Diana’s subconscious letting her know something about Steve she won’t admit.

Trevor’s a bit…different than Steve. For one thing, he lacks even the basic sense of tact and courtesy that Steve possesses. I know, it’s hard to imagine. But just look at the marvelous first impression he makes on Queen Hippolyta.

Oh no he didn’t!

Damn! Polly got so pissed she came out of the panel!

It’s hard to see exactly what Diana sees in Trevor, but somehow he managed to successfully get her to fall for him. This really doesn’t say much for Diana’s taste in men, that even in her fantasies she ends up with jerks.

Can you tell this was written in the eighties?

In this little drama, Diana didn’t even bother going through with the contest, apparently. She just grabbed the outfit and the lasso and makes plans to take off with Trevor.

Cue Diana taking her plane underwater to recover a box that went down with Trevor’s plane. He’s oddly insistent that she get the “long, airtight box” out of the wreckage. But Diana’s so besotted with him she barely notices. She barely notices the Amazonian armada bearing down on them as they surface until she flies right through it, wrecking ships and severely endangering her sister Amazons.

Cripes, woman, get a clue. The guy’s congratulating you for nearly killing people. This is not a blissful “mmm” inducing moment, here!

Diana and Trevor head back to Man’s World, Miami International Airport to be specific. Trevor’s none too pleased to find a reception waiting for him (how did they know?), though Diana’s naivete about the crowd around them is a nice echo back to her original arrival in America.

Turns out Trevor’s just a common thief, and that airtight box contained a prototype disintegrator. Which he then uses to kill all those cops that greeted them at the airport.
Yeah, Diana picked a real winner there.

As glad as I am that Diana finally got a clue, I’m horrified that it took her this long.

It’s hard to believe that Diana managed to fall in love with the one guy who’s even more of a chauvinistic jerk than Steve Trevor.

Wonder Woman wakes from her latest dream to see the shadow creature that’s been plaguing her hanging around. It runs away before she can fight it, so to settle her mind she decides to hand-deliver some of her wedding invitations to her co-workers.

Diana, the correct response is “Stop being such an egotistical ass, Clark.

Diana starts to think in far more detail than she probably should about Clark’s love-life as she flies back to Earth…only to fall asleep again. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure narcoleptic Amazons should be flying invisible stealth jets in the first place.

Tomorrow, the dreams of lots of creepy fanboys is made manifest, as Diana discovers what her life would be like if she married Superman.

Yeah. You just know that’s not going to end well…

When last we left Diana, she had just fallen asleep in the throne room on Paradise Island. In her dreams, her mind drifts back to the day that she first met Steve Trevor, when he crashed his plane into the waters off the coast of the island.

A romance quickly develops between Steve and Diana as she nurses him back to health, much to Hippolyta’s annoyance. She declares that as soon as Steve is healthy, he must return to Man’s World, and a contest is held to determine which of the Amazons is most worthy of the honor of escorting the uninvited guest that no one really wants there in the first place back to where he came from.

It’s a sequence we all know and love, with Diana of course beating out all other competitors. But, what’s this? Heretofore unrevealed romantic complications as Diana’s friend Mala reveals that she, too, is in love with Steve?

Diana shows her usual tact and sensitivity and makes time with Steve until it’s time to leave.

Wait, he hasn’t even bothered to learn her name after all this time? Cripes.

Hippolyta, distraught over the prospect of losing her daughter to Man’s World, consults the patrons of the Amazons about what she can do to keep Diana in Paradise. Very little, it turns out, as “love must conquer” and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Unless, of course, there’s a more vital role that Diana could fulfill than ambassador to the outside world…

Oh, dear…does that mean…

Steve isn’t really very quick on the uptake, is he?

Steve really isn’t very quick on the uptake, is he? How many hints can Diana possibly drop? “Everybody whose girlfriend’s mother is still alive, raise their hand! Not so fast, Steve…”

Eventually Steve figures out what Diana is talking about. He’s a bit put out that she won’t be taking him back home, and not terribly taken with his consolation prize, an escort with Mala, runner-up in the contest and the understudy Wonder Woman.

See, redheads look good in the outfit. That explains Artemis, a little.

And he finally learns her name. And the healing begins, as he doesn’t entirely shoot Mala’s suggestion down.

Steve and Mala head to the United States, and Diana does her duty to her people and her gods and takes the throne in her mother’s absence, shedding a single, solitary tear as she mourns the loss of the life she could have led with a chauvinist who’d barely have time for her.

It’s very reminiscent of high romance tales of chivalrous love, where duty separates the lovers. Except that the guy is a total tool.

Diana awakens from her dream and goes to talk over her disturbing vision with her mother. Hippolyta’s not particularly helpful, revealing that, actually, she almost did just what Diana dreamed she’d do, but changed her mind at the last minute. I guess Polly was more committed to letting her daughter make her own mistakes than we thought. Diana also talks about the Sandman’s recent visits, and mother and daughter both agree that the guy’s kind of a creep. To cheer her up, Polly suggests that Diana go and check and see how plans for the wedding are proceeding.

Putting the men in their place? That’s putting a bit of a fine point on Marston’s intent with the character, isn’t it?

That’s right Diana, it’s utterly impossible for women to be sexist. Or racist. Or homophobic.

Tomorrow, Wonder Woman learns what her life would have been like if a different man had come to Paradise Island. Meet Trevor Stevens…

The 300th issue of Wonder Woman is a very special anniversary issue. Not only do we get an in-continuity marriage between Diana and Steve Trevor, we also get to see several “What If?”-type scenarios, in which Diana learns what her life would have been like if the events leading up to Steve crashing his plane into the coast off of Paradise Island and Diana accompanying him to Man’s World had gone a little bit differently. But first, the set-up:

Diana has been having trouble sleeping, and lately a shadowy, intangible creature has been attacking her. After the most recent attack, she succeeds in driving it away, but only after the Sandman jumps to her aid from the Dream Dimension. It seems he’s been keeping a close eye on her, in a not-at-all-creepy, sort-of stalker-ish way. Classy guy that he is, he tells her to dump her man if he’s causing her stress.

After politely telling him to pack himself back off to Jerkland, Diana heads to work:

This panel doesn’t really add anything to the story, I just thought that guy’s thought balloon was funny…

At the Pentagon, Diana and gal-pal Etta Candy are called into a meeting with Col. Trevor and General Darnell to announce that Diana is being given a promotion. She’s now, effectively, equal in rank to Steve. Everyone is excited about Diana finally being given the recognition she deserves for her years of hard work, including, apparently, doing most of Steve’s job for him. Everyone except Steve, of course. The jerk.

“To be honest, I always thought of you as a sexless automaton that would pick up the slack at work while I go get busy with Wonder Woman. Hey, why are you leaving?”

Wonder Woman flies off in a snit, only to be once again attacked by the shadow creature. She’s saved this time by her counter-part from Earth-2. Because, somehow, in the process of fighting the shadow creature, Diana crossed the dimensional barrier into Earth-2. Hey, that sort of thing happened before the Crisis. In any case, Diana takes Diana home, to help her work out her annoyance with her job and her man. It’s there that Diana sees how happy Diana and Steve are now that they’re married and meets their daughter, Lyta.

Look at Steve’s face. You just know he’s a minute or two away from proposing a three-way. “But, honey, it’s not like I’d be having sex with another woman!”

“Ha-ha! Clark’s an ass, isn’t he?”

Well, it’s not like Diana can cook.

Earth-2 Diana: “Whore.” Earth-1 Diana: “Bitch.” Steve Trevor: “Ladies, there’s plenty of me to go around! Say, did I mention that it’s not technically cheating?”

Diana returns to her own Earth, and decides that after seeing how “happy” Diana and Steve are on Earth-2, she tells Steve that she will, finally, agree to marry him. Wedding preparations are begun on Paradise Island (including devising a way for the groom to actually stand on the island for the ceremony), but the wedding is put off until after Steve, Etta and Diana Prince travel to a conference in Mexico. Diana’s still not sure what to do about the whole secret identity thing, when the discovery of a bomb in the briefcase handcuffed to Diana gives her a tidy little solution.

A very low-key memorial service is held, and no one except her friends from work show up. Steve is too over-come by emotion to say anything, but Wonder Woman does manage to make it in the nick of time to deliver a stirring eulogy. After everyone leaves, Diana is left alone when the Sandman shows up again. He’s still watching her, and in an effort to put her at ease, he relates to her his startling secret origin as a military scientist studying dreams and how to view and enter them. “Healthy young men, after all, often have sexual dreams which tend toward the explicit” he’s sure to tell her. Because that’s not creepy at all. She’s not too thrilled to discover he knows the secret of her double identity as well.

After politely brushing him off, again, the Sandman leaves, but not before confessing his voyeuristic love for her.

Really, a threat? And he seemed so normal and well-adjusted up until now, did he?

Alone again, Diana finally manages to get some sleep, and sees a vision of what her life would have been like if her mother had found a way to keep her on Paradise Island. That will be in Part Two, tomorrow.

Wonder Woman #205 is quite possibly one of the best issues of the magazine ever. It’s so wrong, in such a gloriously delirious way.

Wow…the sheer and utter misogyny of that “all homely women” statement is mind-blowing.

Apparently sensitivity training is not a concern for the UN…

And Diana, Princess of the Amazons, is reduced to tears by the thoughtless comments of a man she’s perfectly capable of ripping in half should she choose to.

And the cover is a thing of perfection as well.

Wonder Woman, in bondage, making a classical reference to tribadism, while straddling a phallic object. This is the point where it stops being sub and becomes simply text.

Sometimes I buy comics just for the covers:

I offer this picture up to GayProf, who recently moved cross-country with an anxious cat, and could probably use an Amazonian pick-me-up about now.

The benefit of buying comics for completely random reasons, like a beautiful Garcia-Lopez inventory image that has absolutely nothing to do with the story inside, is the hidden gems you find. Such as this letter to the editor, and Ernie Colon’s response:

I’m kind of curious to see if that guy ever wrote back, now…

Alas for you, those brave and hard-working souls at the RIAA were able to sniff out the video and had it removed from YouTube.