Monster Attack Network by Marc Bernardin, Adam Freeman and Nima Sorat, published by AIT/Planet Lar

Ever wondered who cleans up after those giant monster attacks? Or who is responsible for making sure the city gets evacuated? This is the story of the folks responsible for maintaining the safety of the citizens of the tiny island nation of Lapuatu. It’s a decidedly high-concept book, with a beautifully calculated appeal to monster movie fans who don’t take themselves too seriously in its premise. It’s fast-paced, funny and has a frenetically expressionistic art style that’s just enough this side of caricature to get the humor and energy of the story right. It’s fantastic fun, escapist entertainment, to be brief.

I’m interested in what Bully has to say about it, of course, because it’s Bully. I half suspect that little head full of fluff is the most sensible person down there.

Virgin Comics finds a way to simplify their business plan of star-fucking low-rent celebrities by hiring a woman famous for fucking to “write” a comic. Did no one learn the right lesson from Tekno Comics?

I have absolutely no idea who any of the people hired to act in the Watchmen movie are. I’m fairly certain I can guess how much of the source material was understood by the people making the movie.
That would be “none.”

DC to publish Heroes comic. And thus the Ouroboros goes on…

DC to publish World of Warcraft comic. Here’s a dialogue excerpt from the first issue:
“wher mankirk wif?”
“lrn 2 ply n00b”

_{(Maybe someday I’ll drop the name of my Tauren Hunter on here…it’s not hard to figure out…)}

You can never go wrong with Balactus

Too lazy/tired to blog tonight. Here, have a video instead.

Pete: “So, in that JLA Classified story, the only version of [villain of the piece] Red King that survived was the absolutely evil one, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Pete: “Did that not make a lot of sense?”
Me: “It didn’t really, no.”
Pete: “Plus, if all the other versions of the Red King knew about the back-up plan, why didn’t he?”
Me: “Like you said, the story didn’t really make a lot of sense.”
Pete: “Does it seem like they’re just putting people on Classified who don’t know a lot about DC or care about continuity?”
Me: “Well, since JLA: Classified seems to be the dumping ground for inventory stories cluttering up the JLA editor’s desk drawers, I think it’s safe to say that the stories in the title aren’t in continuity.”

As for me, I was more put out by an odd…well, I’m tempted to call it an art error, but that’s mostly for lack of any other good explanation.

So, that’s the JLA versus the Royal Flush Gang. So, why are there seven of them, when there are only five cards in a poker hand? And, I read all five issues of that “4th Parallel” story, and I don’t recall seeing those two highlighted characters anywhere other than in that spread above…which was repeated exactly as is, with only dialogue changes, in the middle three issues of the story.

And why are there only five members of the Royal Flush Gang anyway? There are four suits in a deck, after all. Shouldn’t there be about twenty of them?

Actually, the comic oddity I want to see exploited someday is this: If Thanos is just Jim Starlin riffing off of Darkseid, and Mongul is just Jim Starlin finishing off Thanos stories with Superman instead of Captain Marvel (the bad one)…why hasn’t anyone done a story with Darkseid and Mongul?

(I have to apologise for that last paragraph, it was possibly too geeky even for me.)

1. Sexless Ice Queen: It seems that every writer is afraid to address Wonder Woman’s sexuality. As far as I can tell, she has never had ANY serious relationships at all, since post-Crisis. You could argue that neather has Batman, but at least his relationship problems stem from his mission statement. (“I am a creature of the night. I can’t let anyone get too close, because they will hamper my mission to fight crime, and that’s all that matters.”) Superman is married to Lois. It seems like they don’t want to give Wonder Woman any sexuality because if a man is sexual, he’s a stud. If a woman is sexual, she’s a *****. Come on D.C., grow up and let Diana grow up, too. At least Batman had time to have a son, which brings me to my other point…

2.The Blessed Virgin Dianna: I’m almost positive (correct me if I’m wrong)that Wonder Woman is still a virgin. Why? It’s fine if that’s her choice, but I don’t believe that’s why. I think writers are afraid to let Dianna have sex, because then she becomes “unclean”. Women are sexual beings, and having sex is a natural part of being a woman. If Dianna is waiting until she’s married, please let her state that view. Leaving it ambigious is just annoying.

Now, I’m always a bit…concerned over people fretting about whether or not Wonder Woman is a virgin, but the bit I love is that later on in that same post:

4.Bathing Beauty: Finally, I will end with a simple statement about Wonder Womans wardrobe. SHE WEARS A BATHING SUITE TO FIGHT CRIME! Come on, D.C. It’s the year 2007, give the woman a pair of pants! How can any woman look up to a hero who runs around in hooker boots and a tiara? I know purists say, “her costume is iconic, you can’t change it!” Yes, you can, if it is better for the character. Instead, it just gets smaller and smaller, until all you can see is cleveage, and her a$$ hanging out.

So…you want a Wonder Woman that’s more of a sexual being, but you want her to wear a more frumpy costume?

I want to personally thank you for coming to the smart decision and removing Joss Whedon from the Wonder Woman film project. I’m sure it’s terribly obvious in hindsight, but the man was simply never a good fit for the project. In every interview he gave on the subject, he seemed disinterested in the film. Persistent rumors even suggest he never even bothered to finish writing a first draft of the screen-play. And I know I, personally, felt he was wrong for the film when he mentioned that he wouldn’t use any of the traditional Wonder Woman villains in the film. I’m sorry, but if you can’t think of a good filmic treatment for characters as diverse as the Cheetah, the Silver Swan, Ares, Circe, the Red Panzer, Paula von Gunther or Doctor Psycho, maybe you shouldn’t be writing a Wonder Woman movie.

(And I realize I’m in the minority on this point, but I just don’t see the cause in citing him as a “good” writer for female characters. Outside of pixie-ish ingenues prone to making contextually inappropriate pop culture jokes, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in writing women.)

Now, to address some of the complaints about this decision you’re likely to hear, let me take two I spotted right away as examples:

I don’t understand why Hollywood doesn’t just give this man a blank check and let him do whatever the hell he wants. I think he has proven he has the perfect blend of commercial sense and intelligence and the fact he has so much trouble getting a TV show/movie off the ground/on the air really speaks to how stupid Hollywood has become.

To clarify, Joss Whedon had one movie tank, a moderately successful cult television show, a struggling television show, a quickly cancelled television show, and a second film that tanked. Oh, and a couple of moderately successful comic books, by the current standards of the comic book industry. Not assigning such a person to a summer tent-pole, franchise-launching film is a sign of a studio executive trying to prevent the loss of great amounts of money, to my mind.

And while that response rather misses the point of the decision, I’m sure you’ll be getting plenty of responses like this:
First, to Time-Warner, two words:

Word the First: SUCK.
Word the Second: ME.

First, you braindead bastiches go over DiDio’s head, and shove that talentless, never-met-a-deadline-he-couldn’t-miss-by-a-country-mile, full of himself, arrogant ass Heinberg down our throats by putting him on the main (and may I point out, ONLY) Wonder Woman title. And what does that loser do? Well, when he can be bothered to get his head out of his rear for long enough to actually write a word or two, he undermines the character, puts together a pointless, kitchen-sink story that is one big fight, and writes dialogue that wouldn’t make it past an eight grade English teacher’s desk without serious concerns.

OK, Heinberg liked the TV show. WE GET IT ALREADY!

Second, you hire Joss Whedon to write and direct a film. You string him along for a couple of years, you look at a number of drafts, and then you decide that your view of the film is better than his. So, it’s better if we all start over with someone altogether new. Given your track record with Heinberg, I can only imagine what it is that you are looking for. Maybe you can make another “Catwoman”. Yeah, go for it.

Then, on top of all that bullsh*t, we get crap like Diana’s appearance in the last Green Lantern. (That’s not T-W’s fault. That’s Johns’ fault, who, when not writing Diana is great. However, he couldn’t find Wonder Woman’s character with both hands and a flashlight.)

What a total, utter, complete failure on every front. I’m done now.

There are two phrases I’ve been known to bandy around; “nerd rage” and “fan entitlement.” That excerpt above? It’s a near perfect example of both principles in action. An over-identification with a fictional character, to the point where any slight deviations from what the fan thinks should be done is taken as a personal affront, and inappropriate emotional reactions to something of ultimately trivial consequence.

(I mean, I’m a Wildcat fan, and a bit notorious for being one at that, but when Geoff Johns kills Ted Grant off at the end of the current Justice Society story-line, you’re not going to see any angry, bitter posts from me on every blog and message-board you can find, nor will I be calling Johns names. My borders might go black for a couple weeks, but that’s about it. This is because, while I’m a fan of the character, and care about what happens to him, I’m not fucking nuts.)

Lastly, and if I may be presumptive, there is one tremendous benefit to not having Whedon attached to the project. And that’s the possibility that Peter Dinklage could be cast as Doctor Psycho:

Sincerely,
Dorian Wright

One of my cherished readers sent this to me as a non-sectarian Winter-period festive gift. It’s fantastic. If you ever get the chance to pick one up, it’s worth it, if only for the sight of Batman and Robin keeping each other’s salad dressing recipes secret from one another and Green Arrow acting like a jerk. Repeatedly.

Oh, and there’s more examples of Wonder Woman, corporate shill, to be found.

The rest of you shouldn’t feel any pressure to send me presents, though.

I’ll also be glad to accept cash.

“Totally tripping balls…must ask Donna to get some more of this stuff from her friend Roy…”

I, uhm…what?

I was a bad blogger and forgot to mention that comic creator Andy Mangels organized a Wonder Woman Day charity fundraiser. There’s an official website, at which you can see a large variety of Wonder Woman drawings by a broad range of comic book artists. Take a look, many of the pieces are really very nice. And where else are you going to see Wonder Woman drawn by Gilbert Hernandez or Bill Morrison. (Though I really like the pieces by David Lloyd, Dick Giordano and Stephen Sadowski as well.)

WONDER WOMAN: THE GREATEST STORIES EVER TOLD TP
Writers: William Moulton Marston, Robert Kanigher, Dennis O’Neil, George Perez and Phil Jimenez
Artists: H.G. Peter, Ross Andru, George Perez, Phil Jimenez and others
Cover artist: Alex Ross
Price: $19.99 US/$23.99 CAN
Page count: 192 pages

I think an “about damn time” is warranted here.

Of course it’s from Germany…

Ever wondered why, exactly, Wonder Woman traded in her eagle bustier for the drab “WW” design?

No, Diana, no! Go with your first instinct! Yeah, granted, cupping your breasts inside eagle wings was an…odd fashion choice, but anything is better than a W on top of another W. And trying to make it into some kind of feminist statement is a really sad way to attempt to justify doing what your mother says only to avoid hurting her feelings.

I mean, it was bad enough when you ditched the skirt…