Krypto’s Cat-Crook Caper!, from Superboy #132

While playing fetch with his master, Superboy (presumably because there were no crimes or natural disasters happening anywhere that the Teen of Steel could be bothered to care about), Krypto spies the distinctive dog-shaped emergency signal of his friends in the Space Canine Patrol Agency. Setting aside frivolity, or just eager to get away from more of young Kal-El’s insipid whining about how hard it is to be a super-powered teenager, you know, Krypto rushes off to investigate.

“As good as the Legion of Super-Heroes”, Krypto? Wow, that’s a back-handed compliment if I ever heard one.

Actually, with a line-up like Tusky Husky, Paw Pooch, Chameleon Collie and Bull Dog, I think the SCPA might have more fire-power as a team than the Legion. Of course, the real test is to see if this collection of super-pooches are anywhere near as bitchy* with new recruits as the Legion is.

And that’s an affirmative. Man, I didn’t think it was possible to find a bigger collection of super-powered jerks than the Legion, outside of any Marvel team written by Bendis, but Krypto and his pals managed it.
Seriously, that whole thing with Earth Man makes so much more sense when you consider what jerks the Legion are.
Anyway…after the ritualistic dissing of the rejects, Tail Terrier tells Krypto what the big emergency is. The SCPA needs a bailout.
No, seriously. They’re out of money. So they’re going to put on a charity show to raise money, and Krypto has to emcee. But little do our doggie detectives know that a clever gang of cat criminals have bugged their headquarters and are planning to steal the money the crime-fighting canines raise.
No, seriously.

Let’s see…Krypto is undone and made to look foolish by his own eagerness to indulge his own appetites, and this creates a hazard for his team-mates?
Yep, he’s the Green Arrow of the SCPA all right.

After that well deserved, er, tail-lashing, Krypto buckles down and decides to take his SCPA duties seriously, by again providing security at the next fund-raiser, a parade through the city.

Well, that’s certainly more entertaining, and less digusting, than watching Matter Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy show off their powers.
Alas, however, for Krypto, who failed to notice yet another fiendishly clever plot to steal the donations.

I mean, seriously Krypto? You didn’t notice the lead-lined bones? Just how in-bred were dogs on Krypton?
Actually, that brings up an interesting point, something that Mike Sterling and I talk about from time to time: Krypto isn’t technically a dog. He’s an alien creature that bears a superficial resemblance to an Earth dog. For all we know, what Kryptonians call a “dog” is actually an egg-laying, furry lizard.
Anyway…the Kryptonite radiation weakens Krypto enough that he passes out and crash-lands on a passing asteroid, allowing the felonious felines to get away with the loot. And for failing in his duties, twice, Krypto is suspended from the SCPA and forced to turn in his uniform and collar. But, wait, what’s this? Has the Pooch of Steel found a way to prove his worthiness?

Yes, because a double red sun would make Krypto twice as powerless. Or something.
Hey, they’re cats. They can’t even grasp correct spelling or grammar, you think the intricacies of solar radiation and its effects on Kryptonian life-forms is going to make sense to them?
Actually, that’s dangerously close to a clever plan, when you look at it that way. See, the SCPA is more bad-ass than the Legion.

And thus Krypto’s clever plan is revealed. He got one of his team-mates to, er, pretend to be a pile of valuable bones and placed two giant red lenses in front of the twin suns to make it look like the planet had red suns.
Which really doesn’t make any sense, because the cats were flying in on a space-ship, and surely they would have noticed that the suns were actually yellow at that time…
Eh, they’re cats.

So Krypto’s honor and dignity is restored and all is right with the universe, right?

Oh, Kal-El…you really are a monumental prick, aren’t you?

_{*pun intended}

Hey, at least he’s hitting on someone he’s not actually related to for a change.

Wow, you mean the robot based on the incompetent screw-up is an incompetent screw-up? Never saw that one coming.

My God…it’s the Planet of Insane Fashion Victims!

Soooo…they’ve been watching Jimmy, and he always wears that same outfit? Exactly? Man…that thing must get pretty ripe.

“Because there’s only one page left to the story, and it’s a half-page at that. Christ, you’re as daffy as your sister.”

Lana tries to impress Superman. Superman displays his usual grasp of tact and etiquette.

Just to rub it in, he decides to play some more mind games on Lois and Lana.

Yeah, sure he didn’t mean Lex was in the running as well. And Krypto never piddles behind the couch in the Fortress of Solitude.

Wonder Woman again dreams of what her life would have been like if the events leading up to Steve Trevor crashing his plane had gone differently. This time Diana dreams of what would have happened if someone other than good old Steve had been a lousy pilot. Meet Trevor Stevens.

I wonder if this is Diana’s subconscious letting her know something about Steve she won’t admit.

Trevor’s a bit…different than Steve. For one thing, he lacks even the basic sense of tact and courtesy that Steve possesses. I know, it’s hard to imagine. But just look at the marvelous first impression he makes on Queen Hippolyta.

Oh no he didn’t!

Damn! Polly got so pissed she came out of the panel!

It’s hard to see exactly what Diana sees in Trevor, but somehow he managed to successfully get her to fall for him. This really doesn’t say much for Diana’s taste in men, that even in her fantasies she ends up with jerks.

Can you tell this was written in the eighties?

In this little drama, Diana didn’t even bother going through with the contest, apparently. She just grabbed the outfit and the lasso and makes plans to take off with Trevor.

Cue Diana taking her plane underwater to recover a box that went down with Trevor’s plane. He’s oddly insistent that she get the “long, airtight box” out of the wreckage. But Diana’s so besotted with him she barely notices. She barely notices the Amazonian armada bearing down on them as they surface until she flies right through it, wrecking ships and severely endangering her sister Amazons.

Cripes, woman, get a clue. The guy’s congratulating you for nearly killing people. This is not a blissful “mmm” inducing moment, here!

Diana and Trevor head back to Man’s World, Miami International Airport to be specific. Trevor’s none too pleased to find a reception waiting for him (how did they know?), though Diana’s naivete about the crowd around them is a nice echo back to her original arrival in America.

Turns out Trevor’s just a common thief, and that airtight box contained a prototype disintegrator. Which he then uses to kill all those cops that greeted them at the airport.
Yeah, Diana picked a real winner there.

As glad as I am that Diana finally got a clue, I’m horrified that it took her this long.

It’s hard to believe that Diana managed to fall in love with the one guy who’s even more of a chauvinistic jerk than Steve Trevor.

Wonder Woman wakes from her latest dream to see the shadow creature that’s been plaguing her hanging around. It runs away before she can fight it, so to settle her mind she decides to hand-deliver some of her wedding invitations to her co-workers.

Diana, the correct response is “Stop being such an egotistical ass, Clark.

Diana starts to think in far more detail than she probably should about Clark’s love-life as she flies back to Earth…only to fall asleep again. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure narcoleptic Amazons should be flying invisible stealth jets in the first place.

Tomorrow, the dreams of lots of creepy fanboys is made manifest, as Diana discovers what her life would be like if she married Superman.

Yeah. You just know that’s not going to end well…

Clark can kiss you so hard you pass out. I’m not sure if that’s exciting or just kind of creepy.

He didn’t last long. According to feedback from viewers, they thought Kent was “too subtle.”

Somehow that poor schlub Clark Kent gets Lois to agree to go on a date with him to the movies. Unfortunately, he lets Lois pick the film, and she decides she wants to see one of those new Superman cartoons.

I bet you can see where this is heading, can’t you? Yes, somehow, the makers of the Superman cartoons have deduced details of Superman’s life that have eluded all of Superman’s enemies and Lois.

Suffice to say, Clark spends a good deal of his time in the theater trying to distract Lois from seeing anything in the film that would clue her in to his identity. Since the film openly states that Clark is really Superman, this could prove to be tricky…

Yes, violent outbursts are what I always call “fast thinking.” Lois manages to enjoy herself anyway, despite Clark’s blatant passive aggressive displays.

“Dammit woman! I can’t take you anywhere!”

Clark continues to be a jerk…

You know, despite Clark’s churlish behavior, Lois is actually acting like a decent human being for once. Oh sure, she’s short with him, but who could blame her?

Ah, there’s the horrible, emasculating Lois we’ve all come to love!

Yes, way to go Clark. Mission accomplished! You’ve once again managed to trick the only woman who will give you the time of day with your childish mind games!

Meanwhile, everyone else in the theater now knows that Clark is Superman…