And here’s a handy blank for you.

I’m speaking, of course, of the threat of Christmas.

At this very moment, brave men and women are overseas fighting to protect us from this scourge. There they are, up at the North Pole, in deadly combat with The Fat Man’s miniature army, and how do we react here in America? We put up altars to The Fat Man in our homes. We take our children to our shopping centers to receive a blessing from his look-a-likes. We turn our media over to paeans to his “greatness.”

We have, in short, sought to appease him.

The situation has gotten so bad that many of our television and radio personalities now speak approvingly of the need to re-introduce “Christmas” into the public sphere, in place of the more generic, inclusive and accurate “Holidays.” These people are willing to surrender our nation to the most vile and repulsive of tyrants, and they have the audacity to question the patriotism and nationalism of others. The man I like to call “Bethlehelm Bill” is the worst of these offenders, but there are many, and the strange acquiescence of the American people to the foreign despot at this time of year brings them out of the woodwork.

And so, I have a simple plea for all of you at this time of year. Fight it. Fight the War on Christmas. When carolers come to your door, insist that they sing some Sabbath instead. Don’t shop at stores advertising “Christmas sales.” Don’t kill a beautiful tree simply to worship a red devil or place aircraft confusing lights on your house or yard.

This is a war we can win. This is a war we must win, for the future of America and our children.

Naturally, the comments section rapidly devolves into a forum for anti-choice propaganda.

Likewise, this IMDB thread, “Was Don Knotts a Christian?”. Because the man’s personal religious beliefs are of course the most important things to discuss in a forum devoted to his film and television work…

Why, it’s almost enough to make comics message boards seem like bastions of sane, polite and rational discourse.

(hat-tip to Dave Fiore for the Don Knotts link)

The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady, you know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man’s beliefs never will. And as [pauses] excited as I am [turns to president] to be with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story. The president’s side and the vice president’s side. But the rest of you, what are you thinking reporting on NSA wire tapping, or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they’re super depressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last 5 years you people were so good. Over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didnÂ’t want to know and you had the courtesy not to tell us. Those were good times, as far as we knew. But listen let’s review the rules, here’s how it works. The president makes decisions, he’s the decider, the press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put it through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again, make love to your wife! Write that novel you got kicking around in your head; you know the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration: you know, fiction!

Of course in that “non-liberal bias” reality, it never happened.
I somehow doubt Colbert is going to be booked for very more speaking engagements anytime soon.

“You can always make sure to keep flammable materials away from open flames, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on child safety:

“You can always tell your children not to play in the street or accept rides in vans with darkened windows, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on consumer debt:

“You can always pay your bills on time and consolidate loans at a lower interest rate, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on safe driving:

“You can always obey the speed limit and all posted traffic regulations, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on dressing for a job interview:

“You could always make sure that your clothing is clean and professional looking, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on protecting your computer:

“You could always make sure to regularly run a virus scan and avoid downloading attachments with executable files, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on house-painting:

“You could always start at the top of the building and work your way down, and finish your work with a second coat of clear varnish, but why should you have to?”

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin on sex and violence on satellite and cable television:

“You can always turn the television off and, of course, block the channels you don’t want, but why should you have to?”