I see the editorial staff at Marvel cared about as much about the quality of “Secret Wars II” cross-overs as readers did.

This was actually published:

I’m probably being unreasonably cranky this morning, but just as Marvel starts reaching a critical mass of putting out books I enjoy, I see their December solicitations…
Here’s the cover for the second issue of Black Widow: Deadly Origin:

Apparently one of Natasha’s lesser known powers is cold-resistant cleavage. And here I just thought she was a super-competent, near-immortal spy and assassin.
Oh well, there’s another Black Widow series coming out, and it’s written by Paul Tobin, and he does books with female characters that I’m not embarrassed to be seen reading.
Black Widow and the Marvel Girls.
Marvel Girls? Not Marvel Women? Okay, post-feminist irony, I can live with that.

Oh dear. It’s the Marvel Divas marketing approach all over again, isn’t it?

Captain America is apparently allergic to sparkly stars? Because that ninja never came near him.

Wolverine thinks the best way to treat someone for blood loss is to strip them and dress them in a skimpy nightie? That must have made some of those nights with Havok awkward.

The sole reason for this issue, other than continuity wanking over Wolverine meeting Captain America, is to have Jim Lee draw Black Widow and Psylocke in sexy poses, but we’re meant to take this Claremontian “isn’t the objectification of women terrible” aside seriously?

Did Betsy get dressed in the dark? Those shoes with that dress? Not to mention that dress? And those gloves? Wasn’t this woman a model at some point?

Seriously, what the fuck is up with those gloves?

“Hey, Herc, can I call you Herc? Thanks for stopping by.”

“Verily, thou didst till Deborah that it twas most urgent.”

“Deborah?”

“Mine personal assistant.”

“Ah, right. Anyway, Herc, the reason we called you down here today is your new catch-phrase. It’s just not working.”

“Mine catch-phrase?”

“Yeah, remember when you were fighting that schlub in L.A. last weekend? Here, we have some video.”

“Aye, tis because the mortal vehicle flew at me not unlike an arrow from Apollo’s golden bow.”

“Right. Yes. And we get that. Love it. It’s just…Middle America, Herc. They hear you talking about ‘Apollo’s shaft’ and, well…it sounds a little, you know…’gay’ to them.”

“Twas not a happy occasion.”

“No, I mean…how can I put this so that you’ll understand…you know…like you and your ’special friend’ Hylas?”

“I am not sure…oh…Oh! Yes, I doth see your dilemma, mortal.”

“So, what we here at Marvel really need you to do for us, Herc, is to try some new catch-phrases. Ones that won’t make our customers think about…”

“The Greek Vice?”

“Exactly.”

“Ah, well, there is another oath that doth seem appropriate in battles such as this.”

“Okay, yeah, I like the classical theme you’ve got going, but I don’t think legal will clear that one. What else have you got?”

“Herc…that’s not going to work.”

“But, thou hast started accepting ads for the pills for males with less than godly endowments, and Deborah hath said that ’synergy’ doth be verily important.”

“Herc. No. Try something else.”

“Well…”

“Herc, please, we’re desperate for something we can market. T-shirts. Posters. Come on.”

“There doth be one last oath which could work for all of us.”

“Lay it on me, Herc baby.”

“Art thou weeping, mortal? Aye, the love of comrades dost bring a tear to mine eye as well.”

“Please just leave. And send in Wolverine and Sabretooth, would you? I…I need to have a talk with them as well.”

According to their copyright information, these are the actual titles of the first four trade collections of the current Hercules series from Marvel:

• Hulk: WWH–Incredible Herc
• Incredible Hercules: Against the World
• Secret Invasion: Incredible Hercules
• Incredible Hercules: Love & War

So, depending on how they’re stocked in the store, the books could be in either one place on the shelves, or three different places. It goes without saying that there are of course no volume numbers on the spines or covers of these books.

And it’s hardly as if Hercules is the only Marvel series to be titled in such an…idiosyncratic way for the collected editions.

Why, it’s almost as if Marvel, after all these years, is continuing to treat their trade paper-back program as a half-assed after-thought instead of a genuine revenue stream…

I apologize for the link to Ain’t It Cool News, but the video clip in question doesn’t make sense without the context. So go take a quick look and then come back.

This is the line that I want to take issue with:

But the following clip has one of the coolest sound effect mixed with an action that I’ve seen in a really long time.

Yeah, about that sound mix…it’s about as close an approximation of the “Biff”, “Bam”, “Pow”, “Wowee” sounds of the 60s Batman live-action show that I’ve ever heard. Insert some graphics over the action, and it pretty much is the 60s Batman tv show.

But was purposefully camp then, I’m being expected to take seriously now.

There’s something very wrong with that.