Just when I thought we had finally put that nonsense behind us once and for all, Crotch Fear rears it’s ugly head once again. Unsurprisingly, this time it’s another Alex Ross cover that has led fanboys to the uncomfortable realization that men have external genitalia.

Here’s the cover, so that we have an idea of what the hell they’re going on about.

And here’s what they had to say about it, in a thread titled “What’s the deal with Alex Ross, JSA and penises?:”

Why are you looking?

Of course Ross will throw in some pantyless snatch from time-to-time, so it all evens out

Maybe he is teh ghey.

I think Alex Ross is repressing something.

That’s some lovely gay-baiting, innit?

To be fair, unlike the last time this nonsense reared it’s head, most people acknowledge that it’s not a big deal that Alan Scott isn’t a Ken doll, but there’s still that element of shock that some people seem to get at the merest suggestion of a penis in a picture. I know a lot of straight men labor under this belief that their penis is the only one in the world, and that’s why everyone wants it, and the suggestion that there are other ones out there sends them into an existential panic, but come on…this is what people think an erect penis looks like?

That is not an erect penis; that’s an intense, soft light shining on reflective material. Ross if far from one of my favorite artists, but technically he’s very good, and all he’s done there is a very slight suggestion of an absolutely normal pants bulge on a man. It’s nothing to be excited about.

Here, this is what an erect penis looks like:

And again:

You’ll notice they appear to be pointing in one direction. If Alan Scott is pointing with that tiny bulge, and comic fans think that’s a big penis, then the significant others of comic fans must be very disappointed.

The new DC solicitations have been released, and these are the ones containing the first solicitations for Final Crisis and the, by the scale of these things, modest number of cross-overs. And, predictably, I’ve already seen, here and there, a few mumblings of discontent over the fact that, judging by these early solicitations, two obscure and nearly forgotten villains are at the center of Final Crisis, namely Libra and the Human Flame. “Oh, why can’t it be someone important, like Darkseid or Mongul or Sinestro?” they say. “Why can’t it be someone cool, like Hush or the Joker or Doomsday?” a few say as well.

Well, bah to the whiners I say, because:

There are a couple of very good reasons to use obscure characters for a project like this. Primarily, minor and forgotten characters are great tools for writers. They have no huge backlog of history or continuity to get tangled up with. They’re blanks, and a good writer will take that blank and turn it into whatever they want it to be. History, motivation, personality; the characters were one-off and one-note when they first appeared, now they can be more.
But more importantly, there’s a very practical reason why a minor Justice League villain and an unknown Martian Manhunter villain are ideal for a project like this. Frankly, no one cares about them. They’re not going to be appearing in any movies. They’re not going to be featured in any cartoons. No one is clamoring for a Libra lunch-box. This means that Morrison is free to do…pretty much anything he wants with or to them, and no one is going to be terribly upset. No marketing or licensing opportunities of significance will be lost if the Human Flame is killed off. No will send death threats to Morrison if Libra dies in the story.
Well, except for the people who post to scans_daily, and they whine if a character so much as stubs their toe in a comic.

Also of note: DC Universe Special: Justice League of America, reprinting issues 111, 166, 167 and 168 of the original Justice League series. These would be the issues that feature Libra and the Secret Society of Super-Villains, including the infamous “the Society does a mind-swap with the League” story that so many DC writers have referenced in recent years.

And, of course, more Wildcat:

I point out this article to Ken because I think it’s an interesting look at how the producer of a successful sci-fi show approaches online fandom.

Ken uses that article as a springboard to talk about the negative extremes some fans go to.

Mike and I both link to Ken’s piece because we think it’s good writing and makes a point worth listening to.

Hysterical, over-sensitive fans take offense at what Ken wrote because, frankly, he described their behavior and attitude to a “t.”

Andrew points out that the hysterical, over-sensitive fans basically proved Ken’s point for him.

I write about all this because, honestly, I’m laughing my ass off at the echo-chamber Ken was talking about being shown in action so perfectly.

One of the quirks of online fandoms is their…interesting attitude towards the truth. When a fan says something is “true” it doesn’t necessarily mean what a non-fan might think it means. So, as a public service, and with pretty pictures to help make the lesson more interesting, in ascending order from “least true” to “most true” in the eyes of fans, I present:

Why, yes, they are in the right order. These are fans remember…

I only occasionally bother to do a full score look at Previews. Frankly, there’s too many other people out there doing it. So I really have to hold off on it unless there is sufficient material I find appalling enough to merit taking the time to do one. And by “appalling enough” what I mean is: I feel the need to go wash a couple layers of skin off with a pumice stone when I contemplate being in the same building as people who want to own these things.

Yeah, this was one of those months…

Liberty Meadows Keychain Trading Figures—Page 63
How to get me to buy Frank Cho merchandise:

Make me a little duckling riding a dachsund.
(There’s going to be a huge-breasted woman on the package, isn’t there?)

Cybercontroller Statue—Page 64
I’m a fairly shameless Doctor Who fan, and the success of the new series has meant that, finally, I can get my hands on decent merchandise. And still…

A $300 “Weta Collectibles” Cyberman statue? No.
(We will not mention the $330 Dalek statue…)

Spawn: Age of Pharohs—Jackal King—Page 177
Okay, the picture isn’t that great, but:

It’s nice to see McFarlane toys finally putting out a toy with a noticeable package in addition to the obligatory female figure with big…assets.

Secret Invasion—Marvel Previews Page 41
Only two cross-over titles…that’s positively restrained. ‘Couse, I’m not the slightest bit interested. Largely this is due to the series getting sadled with an artist not even remotely the slightest bit to my taste. But also because I already sat through this storyline with the Dire Wraiths. And the Manhunters.
(It wasn’t very good those last two times, either.)

Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle—Page 266
No joke, I just wanted to be sure Pete saw that a Harry Dresden comic was coming out.

The Nye Incidents—Page 274
A new graphic novel from Devil’s Due. This is the first line of the ad:

Okay, so we’re looking at some sort of non-fiction comic, like Palestine or something by Harvey Pekar, right?

Ah, so “True Events” is evidently a typo for “Unadulterated Bullshit.” Devil’s Due really should hire a better proof-reader.

Thirsty For Love—Page 290
This is the description for this yaoi title from Digital Manga Publishing’s June’ imprint:
Orie Nakano’s girlfriend is cheating on him with two other men! One is the mysteriously untouchable Tatsumi, and the other is the basketball-playing upperclassman that Orie idolizes.
But things are far from being as simple as they seem, and now the three men are inevitably pulled towards each other and bond together by their love for Yuka, which extends much farther than just the girl herself. Love, admiration and lust intermingle around them in an inescapable spiral in this coming of age sexy romance.
Teenage boys sleeping with the same girl leads, somehow, to gay sex…Yeah…You know, some gay men really don’t like the way yaoi depicts gay men. Plots like this sort of drive home why.

Mack Bolan, The Executioner: The Devil’s Tools—Page 306
Given how many comic-book characters are thinly disguised riffs on Mack Bolan, it’s nicely full circle that a new comic featuring the character is coming out.
Man, The Executioner. I can remember a time when there were two or three bays full of “men’s adventure” novels in every bookstore I ever went to. I can’t even remember the last time I saw even a single copy of something in the genre in a bookstore. Low sales killed off the genre, I guess. Well, to be more specific, the self-fulfilling prophecy of “men don’t read/let’s not put out light reading for men” killed the genre. Now I can find seven or eight bays worth of books about plucky young women going to the big city and getting their dream job and a guy who will put them in their place (but for the love of all that’s holy, don’t call the book a “romance”).
I don’t even like men’s adventure novels (well, the cover art is usually a hoot) and I feel put out that the genre’s gone…

Captain Action #0—Page 319
Really Moonstone? That’s the license you went after?

Okay, I’m scanning the next two, because if I don’t someone’s going to call me a liar:


Okay, I’m going to save all of you lovely people $220. The comics industry started when a bunch of gangsters looking to launder their money found a way to cheat a bunch of teenagers and people who couldn’t break into real illustration jobs out of their intellectual property. They made a lot of money doing so and have done their level best to whittle away their audience ever since. Now we are left with an industry where Marvel and DC screw Diamond, Diamond screws every other publisher, everybody screws retailers and fans complain that they’re not being sufficiently coddled to.
Honestly, what’s the market for these books? I’m picturing them appealing to the same sort of people who sign up for a $2000 course in “How to Save Money.”

A Whole Shitload of Indiana Jones Novels—Page 408
If I’m not mistaken, all these books are reprints of the novels that came out after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Lucasfilm tried to create an “Expanded Universe” for the Indiana Jones films, given that it didn’t seem likely that a fourth film would be made and they had to get more income off the property somehow.
I made the mistake of reading one of them once.
I’d advise against them.

Family Guy Presents Episode IV: A New Hope Premium Trading Cards–420
Trading cards based on the Star Wars parody episode of the worst animated series since Capitol Critters.
I’m not going to make fun of anyone who buys these. How could I possibly add to your shame?

American Flagg! Ltd Edition Hardcover Book Set—Page 427
This is not the long-awaited new collection of this series. No, this is a set of old hard-covers that were, presumably, sitting around in some warehouse somewhere. I can’t help but feel that the presence of this listing in the catalog should be taken as a sign that the new collection still won’t be coming out anytime soon.
I expect we’ll see the next issue of Ultimate Hulk vs Wolverine before we see that collection.

The Golden Compass Basic Action Figures—Page 446
In case you somehow missed picking these up when every toy store in the country had shelf after shelf of pegwarmers going unwanted before Christmas…

The Princess Bride: Talking Dread Pirate Roberts Plush—Page 450

Oh, I hope it’s in scale with the Another Country plush dolls!

Randy Bowen’s Gargoyle Statue—Page 466
Get it now, before Disney’s lawyers get wind of it:

I’m just sayin’…

Medieval Wooden Sword—Page 518

I love this little reminders of the fact that Diamond still considers head shops and Ren Faires to be an important part of their business model.

Labyrinth Door Knocker—Page 519

I just want to draw your attention to one line here: “…One can hardly speak and the other can hardly hear, making them a form of living irony.”
i-ro-ny, noun, “the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning.”
A door knocker that cannot speak or hear because of where the ring is placed really doesn’t fit that definition. At all.
(This observation submitted by Little Mikey Sterling, Aged 52, of Greater San Buenaventura, California)

Sweeney Todd Razor Prop Replica—Page 521

This has been your “oh dear God, these fucking prop replicas need to fucking stop already” entry for the month.

Doctor Who Micro Universe Game—Page 535

Doctor Who clicky-style collectable miniature game? Oh, my yes.Yes yes yes.

Eleven Men Out DVD—Page 548
I nearly dropped my copy of Previews when I came across this. In the midst of all the anime, bargain-basement horror films, nerd-core television shows and soft-core porn, Diamond is soliciting a European film about a gay soccer team. It’s unprecedented!
I wonder what they thought they were soliciting…

Still moving, updates still to be spotty, so amuse yourselves with this:

NONA…Nerds Only Need Apply

I was thinking of this while reading a discussion of the new Star Trek film, and how my gut feeling is that the franchise hasn’t lain fallow long enough to remove the stigma of being for a hard-core cult audience that a new film version needs to be viable. That, to be truly effective, the franchise needs a Doctor Who or Battlestar Galactica length gap between old and new versions; long enough to make the old fans happy it’s back, but also long enough to make the wider audience comfortably nostalgic for it. At this point, it doesn’t matter how many pretty young men you pack into the film (and boy howdy, are they packing them into this movie…almost as if they’re deliberately banking on gay men and slashing fangirls shoring up the box office), the general public’s opinion of Star Trek is that it’s something for nerds, by nerds, and no one but nerds would have any interest in it.

But, I kind of like that turn of phrase, NONA, even if I must say so myself. And now I’m curious; what else out there in the pop culture spectrum do you think is being hurt (or helped) by the Nerds Only Need Apply attitude of creators?

Actual message board quotes:

True writing talent comes from inspirational ideas, vision and creativity. The boring technical stuff can be done by others.

The characters are not there to serve your super-special plot. Rather, your plot should serve the characters. This a fundamental rule of writing in someone else’s universe. *I* obey it and I don’t even get paid, you fuckwads.

Two different people, two different message boards, two different fandoms. And yet, both very telling about the nature of fandom in general, I think. And you?

This week’s Shortpacked! features a particularly good look at a specific type of online criticism.

Also of note this Newsweek commentary on how video game critics, used to companies trying to appeal to a narrow demographic of hard-core gamers, have had difficulty coming to grips with the deliberately broad appeal of the Wii.
But of course, I’d never suggest that the Wii has any lessons to teach the comic book industry in this regard, oh no…narrow-casting to an increasingly diminishing audience is obviously a recipe for success…

Also also, because it deserves note, Andrew’s tribute to the greatness that is Steve Lombard. His post-Crisis absence is another mistake Byrne must someday answer for…

A cartoon for fans of Sleestaks.

A very nice Wolverine drawing by J. Bone

Annotations for the new volume of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

An indispensable resource for translating Geek Speak

And now…Reviews of Comics I Haven’t Read

All Star Superman #9: Man, I never would have seen the death of Superman coming, nor his elevation to godhood. What a completely unexpected twist. Too bad there are no utterly infallible online gossip columns with 100% accuracy records to have given us clues about that…
Oh, and I’m sure this will be a permanent and forever change to the Superman status quo, as well.

Batman and the Outsiders #1: Finally, Batman is being written as he was always meant to be written: as a homophobic prick.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier: After the last two volumes, and the edgy Lost Girls, I think it was quite shocking to discover that this latest volume is a completely sincere and serious examination of the history of British children’s television. I had no idea there was a secret connection between the Wombles, Balamory and Danger Mouse. Nor that it was so sinister in nature.

Amory Wars #4: Not only does this book completely justify the oft-mocked and long-neglected genre of “comics based on lyrics”, but it completely justifies prog-rock as well!

Scott Pilgrim Vol. 4: Now this was an unexpected change of direction. I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but based on the previous volumes, I think having Scott realize the vapidity of his hipster lifestyle and become the figurehead of a mass-murdering cult…it’s a bit of a darker turn than I think the series needed to go in.

And now, by request of Mike Sterling, PORN!

With added special deluxe bonus Ed Fury!

That’s from Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane #124, dated July 1972. All it needs is a “you’re raping my childhood by making Lucy Lane a dead crook” whine to be virtually indistinguishable from an average post on a contemporary comic book message board.
Well, and worse grammar and spelling.

Anyway, two issues later, came this missive:

Man, I’d love to know what this guy thought of the story from 128, where Lois and Marsha Mallow get trapped on the Isle of Lesbos…
Oh, because as if you couldn’t tell, that was a man who wrote that letter. A man not at all comfortable with being reminded that, hey, women have opinions and there are people who aren’t white in this world, while reading his “Emasculating Shrew and her Asshole Boyfriend Monthly” Lois Lane comics.