Kevin’s right, of course.

I wish I could be as determined as Kevin to avoid the film, as Watchmen the comic book is a work I respect tremendously, but between Pete expressing an interest in it, the presence of Jeffrey Dean Morgan in the film, and my own morbid curiosity over just how bad it’s going to be, I’m pretty sure I’m on the hook to see it at some point. Of course, what really fascinates me in that link is the fact that, once again, for stating an opinion Kevin is being raked over the coals by people unable or unwilling to see his point. And that’s funny to me, because Kevin is a hell of a lot more politic about it than I would be.

I mean, let’s all be perfectly honest here: Watchmen the movie is not for comic book fans. It’s for the people who made Paul Blart: Mall Cop the number one film in the country for several weeks. It’s for the people who read The DaVinci Code and patted themselves on the back because they read big, thick books. It’s for people who keep Fox News on the air.

And you can’t blame Kevin, who is in most things a man of taste and discernment, for not wanting to subject himself to a film crafted for that audience. Which begs the question: why would anyone take Watchmen, one of the most important texts in the history of comic books, and turn it into a film aimed squarely at the lowest common denominators of the American public? And that’s when we get to the tragic truth…

Most people didn’t read Watchmen and come away with an indictment of the fetishization of nostalgia. They didn’t read it and find a critique of authoritarian power structures in global politics and how that is mirrored in popular entertainment vigilante fantasies. They didn’t find an examination of the limits of that whole “power and responsibility” thing and how that absolutist notion of morality falls apart when faced with reality. Nor did they find an amazing example of story-telling structure that fully exploits the idiosyncratic nature of the comic book medium to tell a mature story that is, quite literally, only possible within the comic book medium.

No, they found a cynical super-hero beat-’em-up comic with sex and swearing. They skipped the text pieces. They skipped the “boring stuff with the pirate comic.” And they found that if they threw the word “deconstruction” around when discussing the comic, they sounded smart.

And that’s the movie Zack Snyder is giving us:  that shallow, superficial reading of the comic translated to film. I mean, honestly, what else did anyone expect?

• If a film has a comic book “prequel,” the film won’t be any good.
• If a film is primarily advertised in comic books, it won’t be any good.
• The people who complain the loudest about a comic are the ones least likely to have read it.
• Your importance as commentator on the comic book industry is inversely proportional to how important you think you are to the comic book industry.
• The more exposition in a comic written by Grant Morrison, the more people will complain that it doesn’t make any sense.
• The people most concerned about comics being accessible to new readers have been reading them for over twenty years.
• Sales will always be mistaken for quality.
• Every character has at least one fan.
• If every comic book reader who threatened to boycott a publisher’s products actually did so, the comic book industry would collapse overnight.
• Collector’s items aren’t.
• If comic book publishers actually produced the books people say they want, no one would actually buy them.
• Nobody ever “demanded” it.
• The more stringent a character’s “code against killing” the more cavalierly they will break it in a film adaptation.
• If you mostly read Marvel comics, their books are creatively driven, as opposed to the editorially driven books that DC publishes.
• If you mostly read DC comics, their books are creatively driven, as opposed to the editorially driven books that Marvel publishes.
• No matter how stupid and boneheaded a thing a comic book publisher does, someone will defend it.
• They’re called Marvel Zombies for a reason.
• Comics were always better when you were a kid than they are now. If rereading a comic published when you were a kid reveals it to be sub-literate hack-work, well, clearly that one particular issue was the exception that proves the rule.
• The best comics ever written and drawn came out when you were twelve. It’s all been downhill for the industry since then.
• People will complain when publishers don’t give them what they say they want.
• They will complain more when publishers do give them what they say they want.

Further ideas are welcome in the comments.

An ongoing point of discussion with several of my friends and I is: which group of people is more prone to an over-developed sense of entitlement and the kind of narcissistic rage that can only come from an excess of privilege, video game fans or comic book fans? I mean, on the one hand, I’ve never seen comic book fans actually complain about publishers and artists actually expect to be paid for their work, and yet I see video game fans constantly complain that add-ons for video games should be free. But then, on the other hand, I’ve never seen video game fans complain that Nintendo is being disrespectful to them by ignoring their fan-fiction in which Mario is fucking Link.

So I was greatly amused when I found this in an article about the upcoming Watchmen game:

“Noble antihero”? Well, of course he is! If there’s one thing (one thing?) that video game and comic book fans have in common, it’s the inability to recognize that a protagonist may not necessarily be intended as a figure of admiration. That Rorschach is deeply mentally disturbed just makes him even more “bad ass.”

So, let’s get this out of the way first: I’m not a Star Trek fan. In fact, I dislike Star Trek more than I dislike Star Wars. To further put that into perspective, I’m a Doctor Who fan who will hash out seeming continuity errors with friends for fun, and I still think that people who like Star Trek have an unhealthy attachment to the show.

Recently, some footage from the upcoming reboot of the franchise, directed by J.J. Abrams, was shown in London, and Empire had a spoiler-heavy post about it up.

But, let’s look to see how the Trek fans responded:

References are no good if they’re misplaced and misused. Kirk entering the Academy AFTER Uhura? Chekov serving with Pike? I’ve seen better fanfic stories with better consistency, AND THEY’RE SPENDING OVER A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS ON THIS IDIOCY!?! It’s not honoring canon, it’s meaningless pandering by hacks who haven’t got a clue what they’re doing.

“I agree with Capt April that they’re not following canon but then that would be extremely limiting in what the filmmakers do…”

Shouldn’t that be one of the reasons these jokers get paid more than the average 7/11 slurpee monkey, who could come up with a story just as good as this?

Yes, it’s limiting. The skill and talent to work WITHIN those limits are the mark of creative professionals.

Interestingly, the only other place I’ve seen this particular point articulated in this fashion is in defense of super-hero fan-fiction…

But maybe I’m not being fair to the Trek fans…let’s take a look at what those masters of reasoned and rational debate at Ain’t It Cool News have to say:

Who the hell is he making this movie for? It can’t be the old school Trekkies who’ve kept the franchise going for 40 years with their support and money. Call me a basement dwelling contnuity nerd all you want, but the Enterprise built in Iowa on Earth? Chekov on Pikes Enterprise as a member of the bridge crew? Kirk as a malcontent badboy? This isn’t a just a re-imagining, it’s a big FU to anyone over 30 who’s followed Trek at all over the years. It’s teen angst Trek aimed at grabbing a different demographic than the increasingly older audience that has made Paramount over a billion dollars. If you’re new to Trek you may love it, but it sure won’t be my Star Trek.

I fail to see how any of that is a bad thing. I can’t imagine this mindset. I can’t imagine loving something so much that you want to see it die from lack of interest. Again, I’m a Who fan, and I’m ecstatic that the show is successful and popular again, and if the price I have to pay for that are Rose/Ten ‘ship sites and no resolution over Ace’s fate, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Except For:

• Adam Warlock
• Alfred Pennyworth
• Anton Arcane
• Aunt May
• Blue Devil
• Bucky
• Bullseye
• Captain America (Pending)
• Captain Cold
• Cluemaster
• Colossus
• Creeper
• Crimson Fox
• Doctor Doom
• Doctor Octopus
• Donna Troy
• Dove II
• Drax the Destroyer
• Elasti-Girl
• Elektra
• Farenheit
• Flash
• Fuji
• Galactus
• Gamora
• Gen 13 et al
• Golden Eagle
• Goldstar
• Green Arrow
• Guardian (Alpha Flight)
• Hal Jordan
• Harry Osborn
• Hawkman
• Heat Wave
• Hellstrike
• Hipolyta
• Hourman I
• Ice
• Iron Man
• Isis
• Jason Todd
• Jericho
• Karma
• Killowog
• Libra
• Lightning Lad
• Lori Lemaris
• Magik
• Magneto
• Metamorpho
• Mirror Master II
• Negative Man
• Nick Fury
• Nighthawk (Earth 616)
• Norman Osborn
• Northstar
• Owlman
• Phoenix
• Pip the Troll
• Professor X
• Red Tornado
• Reed Richards
• Resurrection Man
• Rick Flag Jr.
• Robotman II
• Sargon the Sorcerer
• Sharon Carter
• Sinestro
• Spoiler
• Starman (Ditko Version)
• Stel
• Storm
• Sue Dibney
• Super Woman (Crime Syndicate)
• Supergirl
• Superman
• Terra
• Thanos
• The Chief
• The Kents
• Thor
• “Thunderbolt” Ross
• Ultraman
• Vision
• Weather Wizard
• Wildfire (Erg-1)
• Winter
• Wonder Man
• Wonder Woman

Dear Mark Millar,

No, that doesn’t happen. Oh, sure, I’ve heard those sub-Dane Cook level comedians make those same sophomoric jokes: “Hnurr hnurr, I wish I was a lesbian, I’d just stare at myself all day, amiritefellas?”
It’s not funny. It’s really kind of offensively stupid. And the joke really doesn’t translate when being applied to gay men. Especially not when it appears in a comic aimed at 25-35 year old man-children who would probably shriek in terror at the thought of a nude gay man.
And yes, this is me being appalled at something in the worst comic since Skate Man. A fool’s errand at the best of times.

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Speaking of people who have apparently never met a real-life homosexual, I’m a little weary of people trying to make the Machine Gun Joe character in Death Race some sort of indicator of the progress of gay characters in mainstream films.
In the film, when the question of the character’s sexuality is introduced, it is quite clear from the context that it’s just a homophobic taunt. From one of the likable “good” characters, naturally, homophobic insults still being something that it’s okay for protagonists in mainstream films to say. Unlike smoking or racist insults.
Now, I’m aware that some of the film-makers have said that the character is meant to be gay, while others have not. In any case, there is nothing in the film itself to suggest the character is gay, save that insult. The character himself never declares himself to be gay. And the one vaguely “homoerotic” moment in the film is almost instantly deflected by the normalizing return of heterosexual values.
In a way, the film-makers have stumbled upon a neat trick; they get to take credit for a “ground-breaking” gay character in an action film without ever actually having to deal with a gay character.

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So, I keep thinking about Kevin’s posts about bad retailing decisions, mostly because I’m baffled that smart people keep missing Kevin’s point so badly. Either they think it’s a good thing for a retailer in a small margins business to actively discourage sales in the names of “integrity”–which is an argument that really phenomenally misses the point that comic shops being run like club houses instead of businesses is bad for the industry, or they keep bringing in this asinine restaurateur metaphor, as if a waiter suggesting the crab cakes because the clams with linguine are a bit off tonight is anything remotely like a retailer sending out a mass e-mailing to existing and potential customers insinuating that they’re idiots if they like a comic he doesn’t.
It all makes me reconsider that “smart” adjective.
But what I keep coming back to is that telling your customers your opinion of a book, and still selling it to them, are not mutually exclusive.

Amazing Spider-Man #2338; While many fans, myself included, were upset with what it took to bring the character to the new status-quo, the new creative teams on this title have met with critical and commercial success. A new storyline starts here for those curious about what’s been going on.
Astonishing X-People #2222; While the combination of Ellis and Bianchi are not to my taste, a new storyline starts here, tying in to the larger “Manifest Destiny” branding in the X-books. It’s a good jumping on point for those who enjoy Ellis’s super-hero work.

Hey, whoa, did you see that there? I gave as neutral a judgement as I could while still finding a way to tell interested customers to check the book out. And it was easy.
Of course, this doesn’t address the concerns of those bloggers who see nothing wrong with what the retailer in question did because he was bashing super-hero books in his newsletter. But I’m sure that if he had slapped a big NOT BUY on Kramer’s Ergot or Love and Rockets, the art-comix bloggers would have had my back.

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So, there’s this Avengers/Invaders book coming out. And it looks like it might be okay. Kind of fun, and it’s get Steve Sadowski on art.

But, lately, a certain number of funs have been getting antsy over any suggestion of males with external genitalia in comics Alex Ross is involved in…
And, honestly, given the sorts of things they’re complaining about, it’s quite clear that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

Luckily, the free preview of Avengers/Invaders you can pick up at your local comic book shop does feature some drawings of super-heroes with bulges that actually, you know, bulge.

10) U.N.I.T. dating
9) Season 6B
8) Cartmel Master Plan
7) Russell T. Davies
6) Gay Agenda
5) Half Human
4) Bonnie Langford
3) Adric
2) Granddaughter
1) Looms

Every Doctor Who fan in the world, I can guarantee, is annoyed by at least one of the phrases above.

A new Batman cartoon is announced.

Comic fans react accordingly:
With a name like Brave & The Bold i’d hoped we’d get a faithful cartoon for the geek crowd, but thats just insane.

Yes, clearly it is insane to design a cartoon for children and then market it to children, instead of forty-year-olds obsessed with the minutiae of their own childhood.

I’m vaguely disappointed that the promo images haven’t prompted this reaction:

But then I remember that if I give it enough time, it will…