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Hey, having difficulty finding Holiday gifts for your friends, loved ones and enemies you wish to lull into a false sense of security? Wishing and hoping that some kindly soul would take pity on you and give you a gift-giving guide with the official stamp of approval of a slightly sarcastic web-blogger?
Of course you are! That’s why this list is here; for you!
(That buying anything on this list, or even just clicking through one of the links and then buying something else entirely, helps me afford to buy Holiday gifts for my friends and loved ones [my enemies can go sit-n-spin] is besides the point…)

Doctor Who Junk!

So, we know it’s the best science-fiction program of all time. But do you know a fan who doesn’t own the first, second or third series on DVD yet? Correct that.

Or, if a DVD is too impersonal, there’s always a Doctor figure. Add a Martha Jones figure and a stylish villain, and your giftee can make their own adventures. Heck, get the whole gang, and watch them go crazy!

Books!

Books are tricky gifts, but I find that it’s frequently a safe bet to get something new to the giftee but similar to what they already read. The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld is a great book, but someone has to already be a Terry Pratchett fan to really get the most out of it. For a first introduction to Pratchett, I would go with the religious satire of Small Gods. It’s a better introduction to both the fantasy aspects of the Discworld series and the pointed commentary on real world issues the books bring up. The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents is a good choice for a younger reader.

For horror or mystery fans, we’re going to cheat and use books that bridge that gap. Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child write good pot-boilers that combine the best elements of trashy pulp books and those “themed” detective novels. Their signature character, FBI Special Agent Aloysius Pendergast, first appears in Relic, but the best work featuring the character is probably The Cabinet of Curiosities. The non-Pendergast novel Riptide, inspired by the Oak Island mystery is worthy of attention as well.

Also of particular note is Phil Rickman’s supernatural/mystery series featuring the Reverend Merrily Watkins, a single mother, widow and exorcist, which begins with Wine of Angels. Rickman blends Christian doctrine and the pagan heritage of Britain into stunning fair-play mysteries with strong supernatural overtones. The Chalice doesn’t feature Merrily, but it blends a strong mystery, Arthurian myth and occult secret societies into an excellent read.

Film! Sort of!

If you know any fans of British comedy, or anyone who works retail and would love to let their id loose, Black Books is a fantastic show, starring Dylan Moran as a surly Irish alcoholic, Bill Bailey as his well meaning but naive employee, and Tamsin Greig as their friend and sometime neighbor. I mean, look:

For more American fare, there’s always the momentarily still available second volume of the Chronological Donald, with the third volume due by Christmas. Now, I’m not saying this because I’m partial to Donald Duck, but he is the quintessential American cartoon star. And I’m not just saying that because he’s impatient, quick-tempered and convinced of his own superiority…

If you want a scary X-Mas for someone, the works of Dario Argento are amongst my favorites in the horror and thriller genres. Of his supernatural films, Suspiria is widely considered his best, with Deep Red a popular choice amongst pure thrillers. Now, they’re Italian horror films, so the pacing and stylization are quite different from what someone raised on American horror is used to, with much more emphasis placed on staging and tone than pure gore or spectacle. (The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, an early work, is still my personal favorite. The opening act, with Tony Musante trapped and forced to witness an attempted murder is one of the most nerve-wracking scenes I’ve ever seen filmed.)

If you want to add some intellectual discourse to your scary X-Mas, I still consider Men, Women and Chainsaws to be the definitive book on gender in the horror genre, with Monsters int the Closet of comparative quality when it comes to the subject of gay themes in horror.

Speaking of gay themes, no gay film fan’s collection is complete without a copy of The Celluloid Closet or the companion film, even if both film and book are somewhat dated and the film in particular is a bit too concerned with not insulting some film-makers who, frankly, probably should be insulted. Beefcake is another essential film. Half documentary, half drama, it’s a look at the physique magazine scene. And that was a great era for photography:

Art & Comics!

Got an arty comics snob on your list? LIfe in Pictures, a collection of Eisner’s autobiographical works, is both a beautiful piece of work and a fascinating study of the early days of the American comics industry. For what it’s worth, the only contemporary artist I think comes even close to Eisner’s mastery is Gilbert Hernandez, and his Palomar and Luba stories from Love and Rockets are also out in amazing new editions, starting with Heartbreak Soup, and continuing into Human Diastrophism and Beyond Palomar.

If you’re having a gay Christmas, Kyle’s Bed and Breakfast is my favorite amongst the current crop of gay and lesbian comic strips, while Stripped provides a great overview of the contemporary gay comics scene. Man to Man offers a more historical over-view of gay photography, and Outlaw Representations is a good choice of companion.

Fun & Games!

The new edition of Talisman is great fun, and wonderfully designed, with spectacular new art all around, and a rules system that was clearly designed by Games Workshop. If you prefer games to be pixelated, Super Mario Galaxy is a no-brainer, but do give consideration to the woefully underappreciated Zack & Wiki. They’ll look at you funny when they unwrap it, but they’ll thank you after they play it.

For younger kids, there’s this gorgeous Coliseum from Playmobil. They have to learn about bread and circuses sometime! Or, if you want to coddle them, there’s this Unicorn set. Or, get both! Gladiators fighting unicorns, what kid could resist that?

And lastly, don’t forget what every kid wants to find under their tree: the cheeriest little Dark Knight ever!

The film The Wild Women of Wongo may have been deservedly forgotten by history, but it did have one very important thing going for it:
Ed Fury

There is nothing Ed Fury cannot improve.

(He’s kind of like Carol Channing in that respect…)

Feeling slightly run down tonight. I had thought I might get it together to do a Closet Monsters post, but of the three films that you could loosely classify as “horror” that I watched recently, one I only watched because it had David Arquette in it. And he was, in fact, the only decent thing about Riding the Bullet. You’d think a film about a suicidal guy getting picked up by the angel of death while hitch-hiking would have potential, but no. Minus Man momentarily made me reconsider Owen Wilson’s acting abilities. I’ve now learned that he can actually act, which means he has simply chosen to do schtick instead in all his other films. And Kikabichi was diverting, but it’s a Japanese rubber-suit movie about a samurai werewolf. Not exactly high horror.

Speaking of horror, I’ve been haunting the horror sections of my local bookstores recently, only to be continually frustrated. I keep going in looking for the next Mark Danielewski or Phil Rickman, but what I keep finding are people desperate to be the next Laurell Hamilton. It’s a complaint I make often enough, but it bears repeating; I wish the authors of these endless series of romantic vampire novels would just go ahead and name their heroines “Mary Sue.” It’s not as if it’s not obvious that’s what they’re doing anyway.

I was heavily distracted by this thread today, though. It’s massive, and gamer humor in it’s purest form can easily over-whelm you. If I wasn’t feeling utterly brain-dead today I might try my hand at making a motivational poster. But, no.
(And I’m looking at role-playing stuff because I’m being…emphatically encouraged to start playing again after a prolonged hiatus. And I feel slightly out of touch with what’s going on. All I really know anymore is that the MMO version of D&D struck me as an even more frustrating version of Guild Wars. That’s how out of touch I am.)
[And yes, I did the Gaymer survey, focused on gay video game players. Taking the survey, I kept asking myself, "Okay, I play a couple hours a day, maybe, three or four days a week, just to have fun...who the hell is answering 'yes' to some of these question?"]

Part of my ennui has been the result of feeling a bit, well, put-upon as a gay man in America. Yes, I do so love my very right to exist being used as a cynical political ploy by a failing President desperate to shore up what remains of his party faithful. I do so love knowing that any crimes committed against me because of my sexual identity won’t be taken seriously. I do so love being told that the mere fact that I am on this planet is an affront to God and man and a corrupting influence on children. Oh, and by the way, how dare I suggest, tongue in cheek, that a superhero comic might have gay subtext. Gayprof, unsurprisingly, sums the feeling up nicely as well.

At least Hank knows how to bring a smile to my face:
(Alas, the Henry Rollins tearing Ann Coulter a new one video has been removed from YouTube…)

And if that doesn’t work, here’s Ed Fury reading Mad:

When I’m in a hurry, you have to look at pictures of naked men:

Who is that happy, smiling naked man? Ed Fury of course.

Also, links for you to enjoy:

House of L: relatively new but I’ve been enjoying it.

And (via Mr. Dan Kelly), little die-cast naked women with which to adorn your little die-cast cars.