re: Civil War #1

Anyone want to take bets on this series revealing that the Avengers were trying to “fix” the Masters of Evil (thus explaining why they became good guys in Thunderbolts) and Tony Stark objected, so the Scarlet Witch mind-wiped him, which is why he’s been kind of an insufferable prick lately?

And then in the next cross-over (you know, the one after Annihilation and whatever the next X-Men thing Brubaker is building up to), the Golden Age Vision can come back from whatever limbo he’s been stuck in, and he and Bucky/The Winter Soldier will try to recreate their Earth 617, only to have Patriot nobly sacrifice himself to stop them.

And then Wolverine can kill Karolina, Wiccan and Hulkling because he hates fags is being mind-controlled by, oh, let’s say the Scarlet Witch again, because Marvel hasn’t had anything to blame an over-emotional woman on lately.

Marvel: The House of DC’s Ideas from Last Year!

(Please Note: The preceding was a joke. If it offended you, well, you probably need to get out of the house more…)

There is no such thing as comics criticism. All the people doing it must be hallucinations.

Promoting your favorite comic company is expected and encouraged. Unless you’re Larry Young, in which case it is unseemly.

The people that Watchmen joke was aimed at didn’t get it.

Sarcasm is the worst thing in the world. It’s a deadly menace and probably causes cancer.

Comics blogging is dead. Several hundred comics bloggers told me so.

The Portugese think I’ve outed Stanislav Ianevski

Heterosexual men really don’t like it when you point out that a car commercial is homophobic.

Telling people that perhaps they’re taking events in a comic-book cross-over too seriously means you’re the person who’s acting irrationally.

The best way to protest the cancellation of a title you like, or the “death” of a character you like, is to post angry tirade after angry tirade on blogs and message boards about how the comic book company doesn’t respect the fans and you’re never going to buy any more of their comics. And then list about a dozen or so exceptions to the “never buy again” rule because those comics “aren’t really part of the regular continuity.”

Given the number of comic bloggers with scanners, it’s a wonder that images don’t get duplicated more than they already do.

Rape jokes really aren’t funny. No, not even if you’re intending them to be an ironic criticism of the use of violence against women in super-hero comics.

The more venomously someone disagrees with you, the more likely they are to prove your point for you.

Those who don’t get the joke will insist that there is actually no joke to get, and that you’re only pretending that there’s a joke to get so that people wil think you’re clever.

X-Men fans are the final arbiters of whether or not a comic is good. Apparently…

Saying you don’t like Sin City makes you a big jerk. Saying you do like All Star Batman makes you a big jerk. And nobody cares that Blacksad is better than both of them.

Never, ever criticize Tim Burton films.

When Mike gets sufficiently pissed off, you get a week of Adam West.
When Dorian gets sufficiently pissed off, you get a week of Wildcat.
Or, when Dorian gets horny, you get a week of Wildcat. Actually, that last point probably explains why you get Adam West weeks from Mike as well.

It’s entirely possible that gay and lesbian comics bloggers outnumber the rest of you at this point, and with a little fore-planning our coming coup could crush you all beneath our lavender boots and completely change the face of comics blogging forever.

Changing your template in a significant way on the fly is more difficult than it sounds.

Irony still means “made of iron.”

The Disturbing

Superman leading Jimmy around the city on a lead. Jimmy happily referring to himself as Superman’s “dog.”
Apparently dog play is just one tiny aspect of the seething sexual cauldron that was Silver Age Metropolis.
(No, of course that isn’t a work-safe link.)

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The Annoying

You know, I just bet Dick Grayson was one of those kids that ratted you out to teacher as soon as you broke even the tiniest and most inconsequential of the rules. Because the rules are “for your own good.” And they’re “for your own good” because teacher, or mommy or daddy, or the policeman said they’re for your own good.

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The Cynical

Oh, look, Marvel found another way to make the internet annoying. I particularly like how they point out that the code works on MySpace. Of course it works on MySpace. MySpace only exists so that teenagers can post annoying flash and java apps and hotlink images from people who went to the trouble to put together real web-sites.

At this very moment there is some comics publisher or wannabe comics publisher who is seriously looking into aquiring the comics rights to The Greatest American Hero…

Film producers are considering the possibility of Snakes on a Plane 2…

The DaVinci Code is the only book a good number of Americans have ever read…

Choose your own caption!

“So, it looks like the plot of Civil War is Cap’s desperate need for a sandwich.”

or

“Hey, I didn’t know Civil War was a Marvel Zombies cross-over!”

Even when they hold the damn things on my doorstep, I can’t manage to make it to comic book conventions. Of course, I had a good excuse this time.

Not that it really would have made much difference. DC gave vague comments about upcoming comics, Marvel made vague comments about upcoming comics. Marvel announced a licensed comic which will appeal primarily to video-game nerds. Which is, apparently, their idea of mainstream outreach. They also announced a cross-over between Supreme Power and the Ultimate universe, and if that isn’t a sign of creative bankruptcy I don’t know what is.

Creepiest news, of course, was Marvel finding yet another way to profit off Jack Kirby’s corpse.

In news I actually found interesting, Gail Simone has a creator-owned series from Wildstorm about retired super-heroes. And they’re not thinly veiled analogues for DC/Marvel characters! That’s a frighteningly rare change of pace.

Garth Ennis and Darick Roberston also have The Boys at Wildstorm. I always get the impression that Garth Ennis really doesn’t like super-heroes, and between that and Robertson’s skill with humor, I’m expecting all kinds of black comedy at the expense of the capes and tights crowd. Which will be a beautiful thing.

Garth Ennis will also be working on a Midnighter ongoing series with Chris Sprouse. This is the first ongoing American comic with a gay lead (Northstar had a mini-series which came out after his “outing” in Alpha Flight, in which no words meaning “homosexual” were used whatsoever), so expect this to start percolating through the mainstream media. You can probably also expect a fair amount of panicked, culture-warriors weighing in on the corruption of the children. Especially if it’s a slow news week.

Here’s what some message-board posters think of Ennis on a Midnighter book:

So what are Midnighter’s redeeming qualities? He likes beating the crap out of men and humping them? And somehow Ennis sees this as fighting to change the status quo for the better? Has he studied criminal psychology at all?
Can we get past the one trick pony of Midnighter being a practicing homosexual and actually explore the character?
Batman is definitely not gay (the first hint would be he sleeps exclusively with chicks) and he could clean the floor with this criminal.

I’m not picking this up just cause Midnighter is Gay
If they were ridiculing a Gay character i might bye it
just for the laughs

Anyway, I’d be interested in this EXCEPT it’s written by Ennis. Aside from the fact I find him to be a bad writer and not particularly funny, I also find he writes a lot of homophobic, gay bashing characters into his scripts. I REALLY wanted to get through his ghost rider, but one of the previews online convinced me yet again he’s a one trick pony!

I tried to look for more, but really, it was too depressing. That’s when I was able to decipher the spelling and grammar. I don’t know how Mike does it.

To revisit an earlier post of mine, the exact line in the V for Vendetta novelization is “I fell in love with you Evey.”

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The downside of kids digging manga in book-stores: Gee, I really would have liked to have browsed your manga section, seen what was new, see anything I might like to spend some of my money on…
But, of course, it’s kind of hard to browse when you can’t even reach the shelves because there are so many kids sprawled out on the floor, incapable of moving aside after you say a polite “excuse me.” And if you do manage to reach the shelves, the books are so badly out of order because the kids don’t work there and don’t have to clean up so what do they care, that you can’t possibly find anything.
(And I’m one of those pro-manga, pro-kids-reading-comics guys, and this annoyed me.)

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Once upon a time Mike insisted that I post some scans from a Harvey magazine about the forthcoming Baby Huey live-action film. He’ll be pleased to know thatit is now available on DVD.

(This may actually be old news, but screw it.)

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Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go let the last of the alcohol leave my system while I watch my brand-spanking new Bill Hicks DVD.

Coming soon to comics!

Now, when your roommate walks in and finds you jerking off to a picture of a Cylon the probability of him thinking that you’re a sad, pitiable freak is slightly lower!

(Retailers, be sure to ask your Diamond rep how to get the special, limited edition “Boxey” variant!)

This is all indirectly Kevin’s fault, by the way.

So, I was at my local chain bookstore today, using a convenient gift certificate to buy a copy of The Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection, because after Donald Duck, the Pink Panther is probably my favorite cartoon character and I’ve waited years for a set like this, when I notice that the novelization of V for Vendetta has come out.

So I flip through it. And I find this passage near the end, around about the time of V’s death (swipe for potential spoiler).

“I love you Evey.”

And, well…y’know how I’ve said from time to time that, based on their public statements, I really don’t think that the makers of this particular film really “got” the source material?

Stuff like that doesn’t really do much to dissuade me.

Am I the only one who looks at this Michael Turner cover, and thinks immediately of this Michael Turner cover?

I’m imagining the plot now: the Scarlet Witch goes crazy and kills Janet Van Dyne, forcing Captain America to kill the Scarlet Witch, and the entire Marvel Universe acts bitchy to one another for seven issues while something vaguely defined happens in space.

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“My name is Layla Macguffin. I have the power to advance slow moving plot-lines.”