So, really, there’s no need for newspapers to run both of them. There has to be a way to free up space in funny pages for something newer and more adventurous without alienating people who just want something to clip out and stick on their cubicle white-board. Which got me thinking…what if the cast of Dilbert were lazy, food-obsessed cats owned by a nerd?

Eh, that sort of works…but it still feels like there’s something missing from this equation…

Apparently one of Natasha’s lesser known powers is cold-resistant cleavage. And here I just thought she was a super-competent, near-immortal spy and assassin.
Oh well, there’s another Black Widow series coming out, and it’s written by Paul Tobin, and he does books with female characters that I’m not embarrassed to be seen reading.
Black Widow and the Marvel Girls.
Marvel Girls? Not Marvel Women? Okay, post-feminist irony, I can live with that.

Oh dear. It’s the Marvel Divas marketing approach all over again, isn’t it?

• 25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.
• 300: Gays kill blacks.
• 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
• A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
• A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.
• A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
• ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
• ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
• ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.
• AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
• BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
• BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.
• BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
• BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
• BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
• BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
• BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
• BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.
• BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
• BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
• BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
• CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.
• CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
• CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
• CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
• CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
• CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
• CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
• CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.
• CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
• CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
• CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
• CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
• DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
• DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
• DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
• DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
• DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
• DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
• DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
• DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
• DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
• DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
• DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
• DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
• DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE:  Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
• FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
• FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
• FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
• FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
• FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
• FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
• FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
• FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
• SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
• GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
• GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
• GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
• GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
• GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
• GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.
• GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.
• GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
• GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
• HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
• HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
• HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
• HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
• HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.
• HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
• IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
• WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
• IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
• JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
• JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
• JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
• JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
• KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
• KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
• KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
• KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
• KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.
• LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
• LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
• LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
• LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
• LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
• MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
• MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
• MILK: Uppity queer dies.
• MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
• MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.
• MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
• NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
• OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
• OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
• OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
• ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
• PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.
• POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
• PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
• PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.
• PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
• PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
• RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
• RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
• RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
• RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
• RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.
• RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
• RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
• ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
• ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
• ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
• ROCKY: White man beats black man.
• ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
• RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
• SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
• SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
• SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.
• SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
• SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
• SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
• SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
• SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
• SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
• SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.
• SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
• STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
• STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
• STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
• STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
• STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
• STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
• STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
• STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
• STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
• SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
• SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
• TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
• TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
• THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
• THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
• THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
• THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.
• THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
• THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.
• THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
• THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
• THE GOONIES:  Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
• THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
• THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
• THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
• THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
• THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.
• THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
• THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
• THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.
• THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
• THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
• THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
• THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.
• TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
• TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
• TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
• TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
• TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
• BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
• TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.
• V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
• VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
• W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
• WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
• WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
• WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
• WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
• WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
• WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

_{“Help” with this post was provided by: Mike, Chris, Josh, Bully, Andy, Andrew, Kevin, Ben, Ken, Proper Dave, Other Dave, Lisa, Melissa, Cathy and Brandon. So I’m not entirely to blame.}

Marvel Crossover Count
Dark Reign: 23
Planet Skaar: 2
War of Kings:4
Messiah War: 3

This sounds an awful lot like an admission that the company’s continuity has gotten too screwy for most readers to keep track of it all:

Seventy years of Marvel history has led to countless thousands of stories, many of which have been reprinted in various collected editions through the years. Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, Wolverine, Daredevil, the X-Men and more have had dozens of volumes see print. You’ve probably got some on your shelf right now! But if you want more, or you’re just starting to build your library, all the choices at hand may be a little overwhelming — the timelines of your favorite characters a bit confusing. The MARVEL READING CHRONOLOGY will arm you with the information you need to maximize your reading experience! These easy-to-follow chronologies will guide you through your reading list and make you the merriest Marvelite on your block!

At least it’s free…

What I imagine the figurine is thinking:

You…you mean they’re gonna let Millar write me when I grow up? Nooooo!

This is the kind of careful attention to detail I’ve come to expect from modern comics publishers:

The image Wizard has chosen to accompany their ad for their “100 Greatest Graphic Novels of the Last 20 Years” article is Spider-Man.
Really? Really?

I shouldn’t be amused by the fact that Boom Studios is now publishing Unknown, Unthinkable and Irredeemable, but I am.

Titles Chris Sims Wishes He Thought Of
Voyages of the Shebuccaneer

Holy Crow! Tokyopop is down to two pages in the solicitations! That’ll certainly simplify this month’s manga order.

Okay, so Viz has a new series: Detroit Metal City. Here’s the solicitation:

By all appearances, Soichi Negishi is a sweet, well-mannered boy who likes Swedish pop music and trendy boutiques. But at the same time he’s also Krauser II, front man for Detroit Metal City, an indie death metal band whose popularity increases by the day. Is this the band he’s truly destined to be in?

This is the cover:

If this book isn’t as awesome as it sounds, please, someone tell me now so that I don’t get my hopes up.

Speaking of things that are awesome, the third volume of 20th Century Boys is solicited. You really should be reading that, even if one of the characters is rather conspicuous by absence.

288 pages seems like a long time to say “Stan Lee and Steve Ditko hated themselves some commies and hippies.”
(I kid. It sounds keen, and I’ve already added it to my Amazon list.)

I’m greatly amused that this is listed under “Humor” in Previews. Post-conversion B.C. is many things, but “funny” isn’t even in the top ten.

I detect a bitter irony in Diamond changing their cut-off point for comics yet continuing to carry trading cards.

Diamond is charging $16.99 for a “blank” Mighty Mugg. They are also charging $16.99 for pre-painted Mighty Muggs. That feels really incredibly off to me. Especially given that I’ve never seen them for more than $10-$12 in non-comics stores.
Though the listing did prompt Mike and I to discuss custom Muggs we’d like to see. I think my favorite suggestions were Zero and Doctor Blasphemy.

There are no sizes in Watchmen costumes for men smaller than “medium.” There are no sizes in Watchmen costumes for women that are larger than “medium.”
You can tell a lot about what manufacturers think of their customers from details like that.

While we’re on the subject of costumes, the people making G.I. Joe movie costumes are only offering Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. I know for a fact that they would make serious bank if they made some Baroness costumes available.

Okay, and while all the women’s costumes based on Marvel characters are pretty appalling, I’ve got to say:

That’s pretty character-accurate.
Ironically, I think that’s also the most covering of the super-heroine costumes on sale.

Titles Chris Sims Wishes He Thought Of, Part Two
Barn of the Naked Dead

• Hulk: WWH–Incredible Herc
• Incredible Hercules: Against the World
• Secret Invasion: Incredible Hercules
• Incredible Hercules: Love & War

So, depending on how they’re stocked in the store, the books could be in either one place on the shelves, or three different places. It goes without saying that there are of course no volume numbers on the spines or covers of these books.

And it’s hardly as if Hercules is the only Marvel series to be titled in such an…idiosyncratic way for the collected editions.

Why, it’s almost as if Marvel, after all these years, is continuing to treat their trade paper-back program as a half-assed after-thought instead of a genuine revenue stream…

I apologize for the link to Ain’t It Cool News, but the video clip in question doesn’t make sense without the context. So go take a quick look and then come back.

This is the line that I want to take issue with:

But the following clip has one of the coolest sound effect mixed with an action that I’ve seen in a really long time.

Yeah, about that sound mix…it’s about as close an approximation of the “Biff”, “Bam”, “Pow”, “Wowee” sounds of the 60s Batman live-action show that I’ve ever heard. Insert some graphics over the action, and it pretty much is the 60s Batman tv show.

But was purposefully camp then, I’m being expected to take seriously now.

There’s something very wrong with that.

I guess “cast stands around looking vaguely embarrassed to be here” is the new “giant heads looking off into the distance.”