Archive for the “Best of (postmodernbarney.com)” Category
Mar 06 2009
Jan 16 2009
And now, for no particular reason other than that I can, here’s a list of my favorite Doctors.
Aw, man…I’ve managed to blow through all the books in print by the authors I’m currently reading. I am bookless. I gotta find something to read. I know, I’ll swing by the Local Chain Bookstore on my way home from work and pick something up. Take a look around, find something new. Yeah, that’ll work. How hard can it be to find something worth reading in a store with millions of books on the shelves?
Okay, let’s start here in the mystery section.
Okay. That’s…that’s maybe a little too high concept for me. And a setting I don’t really care about. Let’s look for something on the next shelf.
Ugh, no, no tech-porn
Christ, are there any other adjectives for female mystery protagonists? Let’s go in a different direction for the mysteries and check out the trade sized books with the fancy-dancy lettering
Oh, well, that’s only been done about a dozen times now. What else is here?
Okay, was there some wave of single-male adoptions in the 1900s that never got covered in history class? Okay, forget it, moving on…
Dan Brown has much to answer for.
Okay, it’s clear that I’m not going to find anything in the mystery section. Let’s try fantasy and sci-fi.
Well, at least no one’s plucky.
Are they seriously still making books like this?
Gyah! No! Kill it! Kill it with fire!
Ah. Gun porn. Fortunately, I have no anxieties over the size of my penis, and don’t need to read stuff like this.
Well, this is a bust. Let’s look at horror.
Wow…there’s like two whole shelves of books by relatives of better horror writers! When did this turn into a distinct sub-genre?
God, no! Holy Christ, there’s like six shelves of zombie books!
NO! No, no, no! Isn’t there one single fucking book in this entire damn store that speaks to me as a reader?
Yeah, okay, you’re worth wagering eight bucks on.
One of the quirks of online fandoms is their…interesting attitude towards the truth. When a fan says something is “true” it doesn’t necessarily mean what a non-fan might think it means. So, as a public service, and with pretty pictures to help make the lesson more interesting, in ascending order from “least true” to “most true” in the eyes of fans, I present:
Why, yes, they are in the right order. These are fans remember…
Jul 08 2007
Young Romance #196 teaches all of us some valuable lessons. The chief lesson is that romance comics are way fucking creepy.
Fortunately, Debbie’s mom has an empty void in her life and an inability to function without thinking of herself as a man’s property, so she’s right back in the dating scene.
Fortunately, before this becomes a “very special” episode of Degrassi, Debbie goes out with her pseudo-hippie boyfriend and discovers what her step-dad gets up to when Mom isn’t around, and the marriage is thankfully K.O.-ed.
Of course, Mom’s not complete without a man, so…
Is the creepiness over?
Anyway, Debbie briefly comes to her senses and takes up with her boyfriend not related to her by marriage.
It’s at this point that Debbie’s step-brother proposes they run off together, but Debbie tells him “no glove, no love.” No, wait, that’s not right. She refuses to go with him unless they get married. I’m not sure in what state their love is legal, but there you go. So she runs back to Bill, only he wants nothing to do with her because her mom yelled at him.
Luckily the story ends on this hopeful and not at all creep-tastic note.
So, remember back at the beginning, when Debbie asked us to judge her?
Debbie, what you did was sick and wrong!