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And now, for no particular reason other than that I can, here’s a list of my favorite Doctors.


#10–Colin Baker
The Doctor can be many things: lonely god, cosmic clown, self-righteous defender of the defenseless. What he should probably never be, however, is an asshole. Colin Baker’s a very good actor, and it seems like in the efforts to distance his portrayal of the Doctor from the previous versions, all the likable bits of the character were jettisoned in favor of making the Doctor a rude, off-putting bully. Not necessarily all the blame for this can be laid at Baker’s feet, though. His Doctor was saddled with a particularly dreadful run of self-important stories that seem dead-set on taking the character and his world “seriously.” It’s the “dark and grim means mature and adult” sensibility run rampant. It was Doctor Who trying to be grown-up and it just fell flat.


# 9–Patrick Troughton
The second Doctor gets somewhat short shrift in this ranking, through no fault of his own. One of the significant problems with the early years of the show is that, more often than not, the stories just ran on for too damn long. A significant number of the adventures of the first three Doctors could be vastly improved if they were shortened by an episode or two. And this is were Troughton’s Doctor gets unfairly penalized: there’s nothing actually wrong with his scamp-ish portrayal, but the only episodes I’ve ever seen where he features in the lead are interminably dreadful. I probably would like him, if I could stand to sit through The War Games or The Mind Robber again.

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Aw, man…I’ve managed to blow through all the books in print by the authors I’m currently reading. I am bookless. I gotta find something to read. I know, I’ll swing by the Local Chain Bookstore on my way home from work and pick something up. Take a look around, find something new. Yeah, that’ll work. How hard can it be to find something worth reading in a store with millions of books on the shelves?

Okay, let’s start here in the mystery section.

Sasha Trueblood is a plucky young FBI agent who has just been handed the case of her career. A serial killer is stalking super-models and leaving their corpses in fashion magazine lobbies. Becoming his bait by walking the runway, will she find him before he finds her?

Okay. That’s…that’s maybe a little too high concept for me. And a setting I don’t really care about. Let’s look for something on the next shelf.

Miranda Delamorte is a plucky young forensic investigator who just landed the case of her career. Called to the scene of a bloody serial killing, she must use her expertise as a botanical analyst to-

Ugh, no, no tech-porn

Helen Punnaname is a plucky young-

Christ, are there any other adjectives for female mystery protagonists? Let’s go in a different direction for the mysteries and check out the trade sized books with the fancy-dancy lettering

Philip Sicizer is a rookie cop assigned to the Chicago World’s Fair when he stumbles upon a charnal house in a local hotel. With the help of his adopted Native American son, he must unravel a mystery connected to an unspeakable secret at the fair.

Oh, well, that’s only been done about a dozen times now. What else is here?

Henry O’Malley is a rookie cop who has just discovered a body in the foundations of Ellis Island. With his adopted Chinese son, he must unravel a trans-Atlantic conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of European and American politics!

Okay, was there some wave of single-male adoptions in the 1900s that never got covered in history class? Okay, forget it, moving on…

An art historian must unravel a religious secret hidden in late Renaissance murals before the Vatican’s secret assassins catch up to him.

No.

An archaeologist must unravel an occult conspiracy hidden in Etruscan pottery before the Vatican’s secret assassins catch up to him.

No.

A grad student must unravel a Royal conspiracy hidden in Elizabethan poetry before the Crown’s secret assassins catch up to her.

Dan Brown has much to answer for.

Okay, it’s clear that I’m not going to find anything in the mystery section. Let’s try fantasy and sci-fi.

In a techno-retro past where steam-powered technology rules the day, a humble inventor must risk his life to expose a conspiracy that reaches to the highest level of society.

Well, at least no one’s plucky.

In Part the Second of the “Deathwing of the Skies” Pentology, Rehyvar the Red Rogue and his unwilling bond-mate Hhaarriiaa must seek the aid of the Ulaiora, beautiful immortal beings who are not at all anything like Elves, before the Black Wizards of Notnilc and Isolep can carry out their murderous plot against the High Tetrarch of Raqari. And, far away, the sinister forces of the Undead Lich Lord of Undeath is marshalling his armies beyond the reaches of the Black Swamps of Un’unt’uh.

Are they seriously still making books like this?

Amy Alicia is a plucky girl working at the cosmetics counter at a run-down department store. While walking home one night she’s attacked, only to be rescued by the mysterious Braun, a sexy and dashing man that Amy finds herself mysteriously drawn to. As she learns more about Braun, she is drawn deeper into his world of night-creatures, as she comes face to face with the greatest secret of the ages: vampires live amongst us!

Gyah! No! Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Marv Purvis is a military man from a long history of military men. Rocketed to the stars to fight an invading horde of aliens, he must bond together with the other men in his unit as they learn about their amazing new weapons, the strange loves of alien women, and the unholy savages bent on the destruction of Earth and their way of life in a way that is not at all intended to be an allegory for contemporary American politics at all.

Ah. Gun porn. Fortunately, I have no anxieties over the size of my penis, and don’t need to read stuff like this.

Well, this is a bust. Let’s look at horror.

The second cousin of acclaimed horror author Dean Koontz brings you a shattering journey into terror that is remarkably similar to Koontz’s books but distinct enough to avoid copy-right issues!

Wow…there’s like two whole shelves of books by relatives of better horror writers! When did this turn into a distinct sub-genre?

A haunted radio-

Pass.

A demon-possessed guitar-

Pass.

Zombies-

God, no! Holy Christ, there’s like six shelves of zombie books!

A pre-historic shark-

NO! No, no, no! Isn’t there one single fucking book in this entire damn store that speaks to me as a reader?

Fucked up shit goes down on an island. Dudes get messed up, hard. The actual Devil may be involved, or crazy dudes just think it’s the Devil.

Yeah, okay, you’re worth wagering eight bucks on.

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One of the quirks of online fandoms is their…interesting attitude towards the truth. When a fan says something is “true” it doesn’t necessarily mean what a non-fan might think it means. So, as a public service, and with pretty pictures to help make the lesson more interesting, in ascending order from “least true” to “most true” in the eyes of fans, I present:

Why, yes, they are in the right order. These are fans remember…

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Young Romance #196 teaches all of us some valuable lessons. The chief lesson is that romance comics are way fucking creepy.


Pity poor Debbie…she’s forced to bear witness to the most melodramatic divorce this side of a Lifetime movie. Although I do believe that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a family separate for the sake of the children’s reputation.

Fortunately, Debbie’s mom has an empty void in her life and an inability to function without thinking of herself as a man’s property, so she’s right back in the dating scene.

“Such a charming man…why, he even compliments my teenage daughter on how attractive she is. And he’s always picking out these fancy clothes for her, wanting to spend time alone with her. What a perfect step-dad!”

Fortunately, before this becomes a “very special” episode of Degrassi, Debbie goes out with her pseudo-hippie boyfriend and discovers what her step-dad gets up to when Mom isn’t around, and the marriage is thankfully K.O.-ed.

Of course, Mom’s not complete without a man, so…

At least she appears to be marrying into money this time, and not into the Marina.

Is the creepiness over?

First rule of Fight Club: do NOT flirt with your step-brother. Wait, that’s not right…

Okay, the kid is probably right, but it can’t get any creepier, right?

“It’s right for us,” in addition to being one of the all-time lamest come on lines, right up there with “Just touch it”, only becomes even more disturbing in the context of being spoken to your step-sister.
Remember kids, implied incest is WRONG!

Anyway, Debbie briefly comes to her senses and takes up with her boyfriend not related to her by marriage.

“How dare you make out with some stranger boy when you’ve got a perfectly good step-brother at home, young lady!”

It’s at this point that Debbie’s step-brother proposes they run off together, but Debbie tells him “no glove, no love.” No, wait, that’s not right. She refuses to go with him unless they get married. I’m not sure in what state their love is legal, but there you go. So she runs back to Bill, only he wants nothing to do with her because her mom yelled at him.
Bill, you’re an idiot.

Luckily the story ends on this hopeful and not at all creep-tastic note.

So, remember back at the beginning, when Debbie asked us to judge her?

Debbie, what you did was sick and wrong!

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