So, how disgusted am I by this?

I’m never spending any money on Archie comics again.

You’ll never see another Archie themed post here.

Archie Comics wants to pretend that Dan DeCarlo didn’t exist? Okay, fine, I’ll pretend Archie Comics doesn’t exist.

Life With Archie, the “serious” Archie book, for it’s 149th issue featured this apparently Deliverance inspired cover:

It starts out innocently enough, with Archie and Betty poling (no pun intended) their way through Federal wetlands (are there any bits of geography Riverdale doesn’t have?).

Shack: a rough cabin or shanty. So, yes, Betty, well done, all that studying for the SATs paid off. “Shack” is the right word.
Unless of course this is the meaning of “shack” that Archie meant, and you just weren’t clued in to the hip slang of the youth of today…

Of course, the shack dwellers don’t take kindly to strangers…

Which gave the anonymous Archie artist an excuse to draw Betty’s sweet, sweet ass…

That’s right carrot-top, argue with the man with a gun to your girl-friend’s head…
Dumbass…

And then, it all goes horribly, horribly wrong, as the implied subtext goes places not even the Earth-Christian Archie would go to…


Da-da-deir-da-deir-da-deir-deir-deir…

Luckily, Ronnie comes along, in her souped-up speedboat which can’t be legal to be driving around in those shallow Federal wetlands…

“Wow, Ronnie, your dad sure has a lot of emergency supplies! First aid kits, flood lights, life jackets, fire extinguishers…hey, what’s this packet?”
“Oh, those are fake IDs in case Daddy needs to make a run for it and he doesn’t have enough gas in the boat to reach a country that doesn’t extradite.”

Archie hatches a clever plan…I know, it’s not really plausible, but run with it, we’re almost out of story pages…

For the large number of you who are coming here from that foot-fetishist site, that panel was for you.

“Think the police will get here before they drown, Ronnie?”
“Not a chance, Archie!”

From Madhouse Comics #102, Archie’s “monster-humor” book which used to be a comic about a band and their wacky adventures.

And that’s about as close as we’re going to get to an explicit political statement in an Archie comic; those darn liberals are so soft on crime a super-hero couldn’t do his job in today’s society.
This is from 1976, mind you…

To get you through the long weekend:

In order for this gag to work, Betty must have been the recent victim of a serious head injury. How else to explain her reasoning that middle-class, suburban Archie would have meant the sport of fencing?

Archie and Reggie are playing ball inside the Lodge mansion. If you can guess how this story ends, congratulations, you can write Archie comics professionally.

Reggie is a strict Darwinist. This probably explains why he’s a date rapist.

Archie may be a furry, but no matter how you bend the terminology, he is definitely a twink, not a bear.

While you all mull over whether you want to see Phantom Lady or my non-pull list, here’s some wholesome, family friendly Archies songs.

On an unrelated note, if any of you found yourself frustrated by the lack of resolution to the blatant homoeroticism of Hot Fuzz, be sure to check out the bonus materials on the new DVD..

I just simply can’t decide what to post this week, so I’m leaving it up to all of you. Your options are a discussion of a vintage Phantom Lady story, or a list, with explanations, of what I am not buying this week, comics-wise. Because that Phantom Lady story? Nutty. And everybody does lists of what they are buying.

Here ‘ya go:

Whoa-hoa! A naughty double-intender! Mr. Lodge’s misunderstanding of the “it” to which Veronica refers will be humorous.

Steadfastly holding to a preconceived opinion, despite repeated attempts to inform him that he’s wrong? Yep, Mr. Lodge is a Republican.

Betty brings us a parable about love and sex:

Two things occur to me. One, Reggie is clearly a date-rapist of some kind. And yet, the kids still put up with him. And two, that orange is a dirty, dirty slut.
Also, please note, that in all these stories, sex is exclusively something men pressure women into doing. The idea of a woman being a sexual being herself is not permitted in these stories.
Given that this is also the story in which Betty makes a plea for loving and standing by your man, even defending him, no matter how badly he takes advantage of you or is in the wrong, that shouldn’t be too surprising.

So, the worst thing that happened to Veronica today is that someone tried to sell her pot? Yep, she’s a Republican.
Man, if she freaks out this badly over people smoking pot in high school, she’s going to have an aneurysm when she gets to college. Assuming, of course, that Mr. Lodge doesn’t marry her off to a nice Christian boy right after graduation.

I prefer to think of him as a floor wax.

Betty said a swear!

Archie dreams about being roundly rogered by Satan.

Betty offers irrelevant and creepy advice.

Ethel becomes a secular humanist.

An elephant grabs Jughead’s sack.

Jughead is on ‘shrooms.

Reggie is unaware that we all already knew he thinks that.

Hippie Jesus wants you to get into his windowless van.

“Carburetors, man! That’s what life is all about!”

A) What is Liberace doing in that field in the first place?
B) What is Liberace doing in a religous comic?
C) No, there is no intentional humor in a Spire comic, only unintentional humor.

Via Mr. Dan Kelly, the infamous “punk rock” episode of Quincy:

Yes, contemporary television shows and their “goths/emos are scary” storylines will look just as dated and ridiculous in twenty years…sorry C.S.I. fans.

Attempts to contemporize Archie comics ruining the jokes:

Does anyone use commercial collect calling anymore? Does anyone use payphones anymore?

Batman being a hypocrite:

Man, was that series awful. I think the “armor” the heroes wore is easily in the top five of “Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Seen In A Comic.” I’m glad Alex Ross really liked the Super Friends when he was a kid, but that was no excuse for DC to put this out.

Oh, and in regards to the big spoiler news from comics today, I only have four words to say: status quo successfully maintained!

Frankly, I always figured Archie for a pushy bottom. But then, I figured Moose was too.

Special Bonus Shot of Archie’s Dad Topless: