Worth Full Price
Red Riding: An epic noir trilogy? Three linked films following a web of murder and crime in northern England for more than a decade? With Paddy Considine, Sean Bean and Andrew Garfield? Oh, yes, please.

Inception: I generally take a dim view of trailers that emphasize visuals instead of story or character, especially when it’s a science-fiction film. Because, silly me, I happen to be one of those lunatics who think that a science-fiction film requires more than just pretty lights to be worthy of praise. But Christopher Nolan has more than earned the benefit of the doubt from me.

Legion: Some movies, you can just tell that they’re not going to be “good.” But they will be entertaining. Every time I see this trailer, a giddy little part of me squeals with joy. It looks like an ideal b-movie, a possible successor to the glory that was Demon Knight.

Clash Of The Titans: Another pointless remake of a film that absolutely did not need one, yes. And Sam Worthington is a poor substitute for Harry Hamlin in a loincloth. But dammit, I love Louis Leterrier and his crazy French action sensibility and want to see what he does with a big American budget.

Iron Man: Proving once again, that all you need to do to make me like a Marvel character is give him a movie with a good cast and a good director. And, apparently, make that cast completely improvise the script because you’re more concerned with making a release date than ensuring that the product is any damn good.
Which explains a lot about all the other Marvel movies, come to think of it.

Robin Hood: I don’t care what anyone says; I like Ridley Scott, I like Russell Crowe, and I like Robin Hood. Putting them together is a no brainer, for me. In fact, I think I just want Scott and Crowe to do nothing but period action films about figures who straddle the line between myth and reality. I want to see Crowe as Roland. I want to see Crowe as Cuchulain. I want to see Crowe as Odysseus. Make it happen, Hollywood.

Date Night: Tina Fey in an action movie? With a bunch of other good comedic actors? Yeah, okay, you’ve sold me.

Worth A Rental
The Red Baron: I wonder if enough time has passed for a film that presents a 20th century German who fought in a World War as a noble figure? Or even a bit melodramatically angsty but still essentially a nice guy. The visuals are pretty, if a bit too obviously CGI in the battle sequences here, giving the unfortunate impression of watching someone else play a video-game.

The North Face: Mountain climbing movies always feel like excuses to indulge in sweeping panoramic views and deeply metaphoric stories of human nature. When you’re not having Sylvester Stallone killing terrorists, or something. Add some Nazis into the mix, and I think we’re looking at some heavy soul-searching and drama here. Which is a shame, because Jason Statham kicking Nazis off of cliffs would be pretty cool.

Terribly Happy: It’s Hot Fuzz! In Denmark! And played straight! Maybe, kinda, sorta. Actually, I think I might prefer it if they were playing straight, but it looks like they’re going for the same sort of absurdist angle that Hot Fuzz did, which only makes the similarities stand out even more.

Green Zone: I’m just going to go ahead and pretend that this is going to be Jason Bourne bringing down Blackwater and Halliburton contractors and Republican political appointees who have been fucking up the Iraq war for profit.

From Paris With Love: Everything about this looks like something I want to see. Except for John Travolta looking even more ludicrous than usual. And by a lot. I mean, Travolta with a goatee would be bad enough, but bald and with a goatee? No, that’s just asking for me to make jokes about Thetans needing more exposed skin surfaces to flee the body.

The Crazies: In general, I’ve lost all patience with horror remakes, especially when it comes to films that were perfectly fine to begin with and very much worked because of their era and budget. I’m also not to fond of “zombies but not” in horror films. Still, Timothy Olyphant.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: Sometimes you resign yourself to seeing a film not because you think it looks good (I don’t) or because you like the cast (I don’t) or because you think that, despite all appearances, the film may have entertainment value to be had outside of what is presented in the trailer (I don’t), but because you’re in a relationship and you know that your partner really likes Nicolas Cage and anything to do with wizards.

District 13: Ultimatum: More French kickey-splodey films are a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. And there’s something paradoxically beautiful in taking the seeming silliness of basing an action film around free-running and just going for it, completely straight-faced.

I’d Rather Be In A Three-Way With Glenn Beck And Sarah Palin
She’s Out Of My League: Haha! See, it’s funny because he’s a nerdy guy in his twenties and she fits all the accepted societal norms for attractiveness, thus hijinx ensue! Haha! Boner jokes!
Christ…at least studios are branching out past Michael Cera for their “awkward post-adolescent male” roles.

Kick-Ass: Hey, remember how nerds wouldn’t shut. the. fuck. up. about Snakes on a Plane? Remember how film studios and the press mistook nerd chatter online for actual public demand for the film?
I’m getting the oddest sense of deja-vu.

The Bounty Hunter: Hey, a comedy about a divorced couple that beats the shit out of each other for ninety minutes with an incredibly flimsy pretext for the violence to make the film seem less grossly misogynistic than it actually is. How original.

The Karate Kid: You know, I could go for an easy joke about the stupidity of setting a film about a kid learning a Japanese martial art in China…but the real question is, where did all of Jackie Chan’s money go that he’s doing stuff like this and The Spy Next Door?

Despicable Me: I feel sorry for kids these days.

Knight and Day: Ah, Tom Cruise trying to shore up his macho credentials with another action film. And, look, a romcom twist to try and get women in to see it.

Cop Out: I’d be more than happy if a “wacky” comedy about mis-matched cop partners never got made ever again. The only strong sense I get from this is that Tracy Morgan still needs to stick with supporting roles.

Furry Vengeance: I used to be willing to cut Brendan Fraser some slack in his choice of roles. But this film just feels so cynically calculated a gambit to get kids into harrassing their parents into taking them to a movie that I think I’m pretty much done with that. “Miley Cyrus” as a swear-word? Really?

Frozen: Open Water has much to answer for. I eagerly look forward to the horror film about someone getting stranded on a funicular. Actually, “horror film” is being a bit too kind to this genre. I prefer “unsympathetic idiots get killed because they were dicking around film.”

Hot Tub Time Machine: Someone thought the name alone was going to be a selling point, didn’t they? The “dude comedies” are starting to get played out and overly repetitive, with far too much cast recycling. Not to mention that this 80s nostalgia thing has already worn out its welcome.

Shrek Forever After: There is nothing remotely good about this.

Death At A Funeral: The original only came out a few years ago, was in English, and wasn’t very good to begin with. So remaking it with a mostly black cast seems…odd. Unless studios are desperately trying to court that market and don’t feel like, you know…actually crafting films for that market. At least Peter Dinklage gets some money. That’s always nice.

Alice In Wonderland: So, I guess this is Disney’s response to the news that not even Hot Topic can move Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise anymore. Not just garish, but ugly. And the notion of a civil war in Wonderland reeks of fan-fiction attempts to “adult up” the stories in a manner that feels horribly at odds with the Disney brand.

Grown Ups: See, it’s funny because they’re all in their forties but have serious cases of arrested development!

To Save A Life: Oh no! The non-privileged kids in high school are being picked on! Good thing there’s a wealthy white jock who can teach us all an important lesson about taking pity on those who aren’t as good as us!

The A-Team: Oh. They’re playing it straight.
Well then.
Sorry, not even shirtless Bradley Cooper can sell me on the concept now.

A 1944 pamphlet for Naval recruits…

I don’t even want to know what Quislet gets up to when he’s got monitor duty.

Sometimes, it becomes painfully clear how and where a movie that sounds good on paper goes disastrously off the rails. I mean, here you have legendary horror director Tobe Hooper making a movie combining aliens, vampires and zombies, and it’s based on a well regarded novel by Colin Wilson (even if it was published after he entered the woo-peddling phase of his career.

And then the first image you see on screen is the Cannon films logo, followed by the names Golan and Globus, and you know that you’re going to be in for a rough time.

To start with, we get a long, slow pan over a spaceship exterior that is clearly meant to evoke Star Wars. And then we get organic spaceship interiors that are meant to evoke Alien. And then we get the full frontal female nudity. And honestly, that’s really what the movie is about. Oh, sure, we can probably find some film critics who will gussy up a review of the film with some commentary about the “male gaze” and the use of feminine signifiers and homoeroticism as monstrous invasions of the male psyche. And that stuff is there, buried deep within a movie that uses soft-core porn imagery to tell the story of a naked woman from space who nearly destroys the world.

It’s a gloriously bad film. Enormously entertaining, in that way that bad films can sometimes be, but the mish-mash of elements never really works out. There’s one genuinely good line in the film, “it’ll be less terrifying if you just come to me”, an absolutely brilliant line in context, but that’s really it. You can see Patrick Stewart hamming it up in a particularly ill-conceived career move and that’s the limit of the star power. But you can’t look away. There’s something horribly compelling about the over-wrought acting, the soft-core nudity and comical “seduction” scenes, the sheer incompatibility of the vampire and alien and zombie tropes in the film. It can probably be chocked up to the strange ability Golan and Globus had as film producers to make something that connects with the audience at a visceral level, no matter how horrible the actual filmed product is. You see those opening scenes, with those curious shots that put you in mind of science-fiction films you did enjoy, and then get thrown the batshit crazy premise of “Vampires! In Space!” and you have to see what comes of this.

And it turns out to be mostly boobies and you feel like you just wasted an hour and a half.

Topics of conversation on first day of our trip included:

• Porn pet peeves
• Egalitarianism in porn, and whether it’s possible in straight porn
• Why gay porn seems much more fun than straight porn
• John’s habit of dating actresses and stewardesses
• Creepy S&M guys who get into that scene because they’ve found a socially accepatable way to hit women.

Currently somewhere between Scottsdale and Flagstaff. A picture gallery is going up here.

Shadowmind, 1993, Christopher Bulis
A rather militaristic sci-fi novel, riffing on the Body Snatchers premise. Oh, and the TARDIS crew are in there, somewhere.

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You all have no idea how profoundly disappointed I am that these Heroes of the DC Universe busts aren’t done in a beefcake style to compliment the Women of the DC Universe line.
There are far too many of these generic super-hero statues already. Superman and Batman in posing straps would be a welcome change.

Marvel Crossover Count
Dark Reign: 23
Planet Skaar: 2
War of Kings:4
Messiah War: 3

This sounds an awful lot like an admission that the company’s continuity has gotten too screwy for most readers to keep track of it all:

Seventy years of Marvel history has led to countless thousands of stories, many of which have been reprinted in various collected editions through the years. Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, Wolverine, Daredevil, the X-Men and more have had dozens of volumes see print. You’ve probably got some on your shelf right now! But if you want more, or you’re just starting to build your library, all the choices at hand may be a little overwhelming — the timelines of your favorite characters a bit confusing. The MARVEL READING CHRONOLOGY will arm you with the information you need to maximize your reading experience! These easy-to-follow chronologies will guide you through your reading list and make you the merriest Marvelite on your block!

At least it’s free…

What I imagine the figurine is thinking:

You…you mean they’re gonna let Millar write me when I grow up? Nooooo!

This is the kind of careful attention to detail I’ve come to expect from modern comics publishers:

The image Wizard has chosen to accompany their ad for their “100 Greatest Graphic Novels of the Last 20 Years” article is Spider-Man.
Really? Really?

I shouldn’t be amused by the fact that Boom Studios is now publishing Unknown, Unthinkable and Irredeemable, but I am.

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