Our cold open this week is Jack sitting on a bench, feeling sorry for himself while he ruminates silently on how twisted up the differences between good and evil seem to be lately on their quest to retrieve cursed antiques. Then we flashback to 1969, and see Kurt Bachman and his new bride Michelle on their honeymoon, when she’s abducted by a vampire (which are totally a thing independent of curses in this universe).

We cut to the present day (of 1989), as Jack continues to narrate the story of how Kurt became a vampire hunter, with some rather heavy handed comparisons between Kurt and those he hunts, leading to him returning bit player Jill Hennessey vamping on a club goer. He stakes her, which upsets a group of flying vampires who conveniently stay off-screen, and is chased into a church. He steals an antique crucifix from the altar, stabbing the priest accidentally with the blade hidden inside the cross, before leaving. The next day, Jack and Micki are at the church, the dead priest being yet another occult friend of Jack’s, and the crucifix turns out to be a relic from the Crusades, the Cross of Fire, so, yeah, clearly something Lewis Vendredei got his hands on at some point. Meanwhile, Kurt has tracked the vampire who abducted his bride to a club, and discovers the power of the Cross of Fire, which is basically to be a holy flame thrower, when he incinerates a bouncer who let’s just say was a vampire. The death makes the news, confirming the gang’s suspicions, and leading Jack to arrange a talk with the head vampire, club owner Evan Van Hellier, and getting only elusive answers from his human henchman.

That night, Kurt breaks into the Van Hellier mansion, killing a security guard in the process to power up the cross, but Van Hellier escapes before being incinerated. Kurt does manage to barge in on a pair of Stock Lesbian Vampires, incinerating one and discovering that the other is his long-lost wife, Michelle. He takes her to his completely inconspicuous abandoned factory covered in crucifixes lair, which is almost immediately raided, unsuccessfully, by Van Hellier. Van Hellier turns to Jack for help in dealing with the Cross of Fire, who notices that Van Hellier is a vampire when he casts no reflection in a mirror at the shop, while Kurt goes and gets a prostitute to feed to Michelle. While Kurt and Michelle are distracted, the gang breaks in and steals the cross, and Michelle agrees to make Kurt a vampire to protect him from Van Hellier, now that he has no protection. When Micki and Johnny see Van Hellier arrive, they go in to help Kurt, unaware of what has happened, and refusing to listen to Jack’s insistence that the only thing they should concern themselves with is recovering the cursed object. Kurt and Van Hellier get into a a vamp fight, during which Van Hellier is staked, and Kurt is splashed with holy water by Jack, having overcome his reservations out of concern for Micki and Johnny’s safety. Michelle he leaves to her fate, finding himself unable to bring himself to kill her. And then he goes and spends some time on a bench feeling sorry for himself.

Hoo, boy, this is rough. The main cast is almost completely side-lined during the story, and the cursed object is something of an afterthought; visually impressive, but not even the main focus on the story. The story itself is mostly concerned with Kurt and Van Hellier fighting over Michelle in some form or another, with Michelle herself pretty much something of an afterthought as well. The soft theme of the season, with characters pondering the morality of their actions, is present, but it’s hard to give much sympathy to Jack’s concerns when the people who prompted them were all pretty killing other people throughout the story.

A Very Robey 80s

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