In a farmhouse in rural Not Canada, a father tells his son that, while it may take everything they’ve got, they’re going to pay off their bills because “nothing is going to split us up.” So you know he’ll be dead soon. And sure enough, while the storm rages, a woman pins a photo of the man to a vaguely bondage gear looking scarecrow, which promptly cuts the man’s head off with a scythe. Which brings us to Micki and Ryan, tracking down an antique scarecrow (having realized that “antique dealer” is a pretty good cover) while Jack is off searching for the “Icarus Feather” on his own. Things get tense when Ryan learns that Micki has, for some reason, brought an old baseball with “To Ryan From Jimmy” written on it, out to the country with them. The stop at the Cobean farm, where the elderly farmer insists that the scarecrow was destroyed in a fire, and before his wife can fulfill her obvious desire to tell the pair more, Micki is attacked by the mentally unstable son they keep locked in a closet.
Yes, really.

Micki and Ryan snoop around since they know the Cobeans are lying because the antiques can’t be destroyed, which is how the meet Marge Longacre, proprietress of the local bed and breakfast and the woman we saw ten minutes earlier with the scarecrow. Back at the B&B, Marge expresses her bitterness over the farming lifestyle that killed her husband while Ryan tries to make polite chit-chat. Later Mrs. Cobean sneaks out, only to be decapitated by the scarecrow on the front porch of the B&B, in front of Micki. The local sheriff, unsurprisingly, doesn’t think much of Micki’s version of the story, though he seems somewhat persuaded in the morning when he finds straw was in the dead woman’s hand. Micki and Ryan buy old junk from the locals while grilling them on deaths and disappearances, learning that the Cobean’s are the only farm locally that hasn’t been suffering, and that a week ago a father and son, the Meenos, disappeared to everyone’s shock. Marge in the meantime sneaks over to the Cobean place and tells Jr. to rape and/or kill Micki, because sometimes you just have to go with the villain logic, okay? At the Meeno farm, Ryan finds evidence that someone is still living there and eventually uncovers the boy from the opening scene. Micki explores the grounds and is promptly attacked by the scarecrow, saved in the nick of time by the sheriff, who finds that the scarecrow is the Cobean boy inn bondage gear.

Ryan, being a stranger with no relation to the boy, is given temporary custody of him and takes him back to the B&B, where Marge isn’t suspiciously solicitous of the child at all. Ryan, while bonding with the boy, tells Micki about Jimmy, his previously unmentioned brother who was killed by a truck while he and Ryan were playing baseball. Micki has realized that three people go missing every harvest, and the boy finally speaks, telling the duo that he had seen the scarecrow in the Cobean farm. Before they can search the farm, Micki notices that her driver’s license is missing because, yeah, everyone checks to make sure they have that before they leave. Realizing that this is how the scarecrow hunts its victims, they bundle Micki off to the police station. Ryan arrives to late to save Old Farmer Cobean, but not before some helpful exposition between him and Marge where we find out that she secretly owns the farm. Micki returns to the B&B after coming across some planted evidence to implicate the Sheriff, where he is almost immediately attacked by the scarecrow. Ryan and the Sheriff arrive, scuffles ensue, and Marge is undone when a portrait of her and her husband falls onto the scarecrow. And then Ryan gives the orphan boy a baseball before leaving town as fast as possible.

This is an okay episode. The character development for Ryan feels underdeveloped and tacked on, and you’d think the previous episode, where Ryan talked about how powerless he felt as a child, would have been a more appropriate place to discuss his feelings of guilt over his dead brother. The scarecrow has kind of a neat gimmick for an antique, even though the full implications of why it’s scary don’t really translate well to TV, where it just sort of kills people and looks spooky. The actual design of it is a little off-putting as well, not in the “spooky rural neo-Pagan” way but in the “wow, that really does look like something you’d see at Folsom” way.

A Very Robey 80s

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