Joss Whedon’s Star Trek

“Oh, Uhura, thanks to your lingerie kung-fu, we’ve managed to defeat the villains!”
“Yes, and you are so beautiful that Nero has decided to become a good guy in hopes of wooing you.”
“Boo-hoo, it’s so hard being a perky ingenue, no-one understands me!”

Tom Clancy’s Star Trek

“Captain the Muslims Klingons are aiming their suspiciously phallic weapons at our ship.”
“Dammit, Spock, if only the Democrats Federation hadn’t forced us to stop monitoring their sub-space communications! We’d have been prepared for this!”

Dan Brown’s Star Trek

“Mr. Spock, I’ve been staring at this holo-image of the Mona Lisa, and I believe it contains valuable clues as to the true parentage of an obscure historical figure. We must abandon our current mission and investigate this matter thorougly!”

J.K. Rowling’s Star Trek

“Captain Kirk, Starfleet Command finds your actions irresponsible, dangerous, and in violation of the Prime Directive. But since you’re so special, here’s a present.”

P.G. Wodehouse’s Star Trek

“This business with Spock and the Ponn Farr, you know. Bally rummy. I was trotting down the deck with Leonard “Bones” McCoy, and everything seemed to be all boomps-a-daisy. As I may have mentioned once or twice before in these memoirs of mine, whenever Spock was around, young Nurse Christine “Biffy” Chapel had a bit of a birds-tweeting around her head expression, but for Spock there was not even a touch of the old hey-nonny-nonny and a hot-cha-cha.”

Geoff Johns’ Star Trek

“Captain Pike, you’re back!”

Roy Thomas’ Star Trek

“Captain Pike, you’re back!”
“And it turns out I’m your long-lost cousin, Jim!”

Fanfic Writer’s Star Trek

Old Spock gazed at Young Spock through rheumy, heavy-lidded eyes. One eyebrow suddenly cocked upward.

“Forgive me, Young Spock,” said Old Spock, “for I know this is a thought most…illogical, but my pursuit of knowledge demands that I must know what it is like…to kiss myself.”

22 Responses to “It Could Have Been Worse”
  1. Hayden says:

    I want to propose marriage to you for the “rheumy, heavy-lidded eyes” bit.

  2. M.A. Masterson says:

    Thank you, thank you, for the Wodehouse. That blast was powerful enough to knock the Trek Original Series discs out of my player!

    Now for “Jeeves Saves the Cow Creamer,” where Bertie lands on the Nazi planet!

  3. Sean Harris says:

    I am assuming Douglas Adams’ Star Trek would involve lots of baths and an extended sequence with a sentient Jeffries tube.

  4. Brian Smith says:

    I loved Geoff Johns’ “Star Trek,” and I can’t help but observe that J.K. Rowlings’ “Star Trek” sounds a lot like the fourth movie.

    My dialogue-free best effort: The Enterprise must stop the devil-woman from TNG’s “Devil’s Due” from corrupting the scantily clad women from TNG’s “Justice,” and also centaurs, in Piers Anthony’s “Star Trek.”

  5. Phill says:

    I refuse to find out for sure, but that can’t be the first Spock/Spock. Maybe the first without a goatee involved, maybe…

  6. Phill says:

    Maybe. (WTF?)

  7. The Bendis one was a little cruel. But damn funny.

  8. CG says:

    That was hilarious. I particularly like the JK Rowling and the Dan Brown, but they were all fantastic.

  9. Wes Anderson’s Star Trek:

    Kirk and Spock stand with their backs to the viewer, looking at the viewscreen.

    Spock: Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be human.

    Kirk: I know.

    Kinks song plays, McCoy rides across the screen behind them on a go-kart.

  10. Mikester says:

    Peter David’s Star Trek:

    Scotty: This reminds me of something that once happened in an episode of STAR TREK.

    Kirk: The what now?

  11. lankyguy says:

    well done!

  12. WhiteUnicorn says:

    Great work!

    Terry Pratchett’s Star Trek:

    Sulu: “We appear to have cleared the back end of the giant space-elephant, Captain”

    Kirk: “Then what was that thump and what is this matter suddenly covering the Enterprise?”

    Sulu: “It appears that space-elephants cannot digest corn either, Captain.”

  13. Bill D. says:

    The Johns version is lacking in someone’s random on-screen evisceration, but otherwise these are spot on.

  14. Sallyp says:

    Absolutely dead-on. I laughed and laughed. Especially at the P.G. Wodehouse one.

  15. Evan Waters says:

    David Cronenberg’s Star Trek:

    McCoy: “The transportation of matter is a corruption of the flesh.”

    Scott: “It’s a purification, you Luddite.”

    Kirk: “Look, we’ve been over this. Ensign Rivers looked like this *before* we beamed up his corpse.”

    Spock: “From a phenomenological perspective one could argue that it was no longer Ensign Rivers.”

    Kirk: “Don’t you start.”

    Nurse Chapel: “I shouldn’t be turned on by this, should I?”

  16. Justin says:

    Dave Lartigue: I greatly enjoyed Wes Anderson’s Star Trek, although I disagreed with his choice to cast Anjelica Huston as Uhura.

  17. Matt Maxwell says:

    “BECAUSE I’M THE GOD DAMNED CAPTAIN, THAT’S WHY. NOW FIRE THE GODDAMN PHASERS.”
    “If you insist, captain, but…”
    “ARE YOU DENSE? ARE YOU RETARDED?”
    “No, captain. I am a Vulcan.”

    Oh, do I even have to say who wrote this?

  18. Brian Smith says:

    “The Laws of Physics Can’t Be Changed,” from “The Collected Works of Emily Dickinson, Star Trek Edition”:

    “The laws of physics can’t be changed”
    I shouted in the din
    And yet I found a special trick
    To power the ship again

    The engines hummed, the starship lurched
    And off we flew away
    To face our Klingon enemies
    Another, better day.

    (For more of Dickinson’s “Star Trek” works, we recommend “I’ve Killed My Captain and My Friend,” “I’m Not a Man Who Lays Down Bricks” and “The Wessels, They Are Nuclear.”)

  19. Oh, that Wodehouse Trek was utterly lovely!

  20. HCE says:

    Brilliant.

    Though – and I’m admittedly speaking as someone who’s only seen a couple of the movies and a handful of the shows – I do have to agree with Brian Smith that the Rowling bit seems to be essentially an accurate depiction of the original series.

  21. Kid Kyoto says:

    I lost it with Geoff John’s Star Trek. Too true…

  22. The Mutt says:

    Robert B. Parker’s Star Trek: Valediction

    Uhura swept into the room and suddenly nothing else mattered. The sight of her hit me the way it always did. And always will. She had a Saurian Brandy in her hand, and several more inside her, judging by the slight slur to her speech.

    “You knew Shpock would come for you,” she said.

    “Yes.”

    “Because he said he would?”

    “No. He’d never say such a thing.”

    “Then how?”

    “Because I would have.”

    “So, should we finish this Brandy in your cabin?” she said.

    “We’d be fools not to.”

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