Krypto’s Cat-Crook Caper!, from Superboy #132

While playing fetch with his master, Superboy (presumably because there were no crimes or natural disasters happening anywhere that the Teen of Steel could be bothered to care about), Krypto spies the distinctive dog-shaped emergency signal of his friends in the Space Canine Patrol Agency. Setting aside frivolity, or just eager to get away from more of young Kal-El’s insipid whining about how hard it is to be a super-powered teenager, you know, Krypto rushes off to investigate.

“As good as the Legion of Super-Heroes”, Krypto? Wow, that’s a back-handed compliment if I ever heard one.

Actually, with a line-up like Tusky Husky, Paw Pooch, Chameleon Collie and Bull Dog, I think the SCPA might have more fire-power as a team than the Legion. Of course, the real test is to see if this collection of super-pooches are anywhere near as bitchy* with new recruits as the Legion is.

And that’s an affirmative. Man, I didn’t think it was possible to find a bigger collection of super-powered jerks than the Legion, outside of any Marvel team written by Bendis, but Krypto and his pals managed it.
Seriously, that whole thing with Earth Man makes so much more sense when you consider what jerks the Legion are.
Anyway…after the ritualistic dissing of the rejects, Tail Terrier tells Krypto what the big emergency is. The SCPA needs a bailout.
No, seriously. They’re out of money. So they’re going to put on a charity show to raise money, and Krypto has to emcee. But little do our doggie detectives know that a clever gang of cat criminals have bugged their headquarters and are planning to steal the money the crime-fighting canines raise.
No, seriously.

Let’s see…Krypto is undone and made to look foolish by his own eagerness to indulge his own appetites, and this creates a hazard for his team-mates?
Yep, he’s the Green Arrow of the SCPA all right.

After that well deserved, er, tail-lashing, Krypto buckles down and decides to take his SCPA duties seriously, by again providing security at the next fund-raiser, a parade through the city.

Well, that’s certainly more entertaining, and less digusting, than watching Matter Eater Lad and Bouncing Boy show off their powers.
Alas, however, for Krypto, who failed to notice yet another fiendishly clever plot to steal the donations.

I mean, seriously Krypto? You didn’t notice the lead-lined bones? Just how in-bred were dogs on Krypton?
Actually, that brings up an interesting point, something that Mike Sterling and I talk about from time to time: Krypto isn’t technically a dog. He’s an alien creature that bears a superficial resemblance to an Earth dog. For all we know, what Kryptonians call a “dog” is actually an egg-laying, furry lizard.
Anyway…the Kryptonite radiation weakens Krypto enough that he passes out and crash-lands on a passing asteroid, allowing the felonious felines to get away with the loot. And for failing in his duties, twice, Krypto is suspended from the SCPA and forced to turn in his uniform and collar. But, wait, what’s this? Has the Pooch of Steel found a way to prove his worthiness?

Yes, because a double red sun would make Krypto twice as powerless. Or something.
Hey, they’re cats. They can’t even grasp correct spelling or grammar, you think the intricacies of solar radiation and its effects on Kryptonian life-forms is going to make sense to them?
Actually, that’s dangerously close to a clever plan, when you look at it that way. See, the SCPA is more bad-ass than the Legion.

And thus Krypto’s clever plan is revealed. He got one of his team-mates to, er, pretend to be a pile of valuable bones and placed two giant red lenses in front of the twin suns to make it look like the planet had red suns.
Which really doesn’t make any sense, because the cats were flying in on a space-ship, and surely they would have noticed that the suns were actually yellow at that time…
Eh, they’re cats.

So Krypto’s honor and dignity is restored and all is right with the universe, right?

Oh, Kal-El…you really are a monumental prick, aren’t you?

_{*pun intended}

This entry was posted on Friday, April 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 AM and is filed under DC, Puppy, Superman you asshole, vintage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.