Pay Full Price
X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Silly name for a movie aside, this looks to be wildly entertaining, if not the most homoerotic film of 2009 that doesn’t star Jason Statham. It’s not just the apparently frequent shirtlessness of Hugh Jackman (who, at this point, I’m not sure is even capable of playing a character that doesn’t come off a little light in the loafers). It’s the stalkerish obsession with Wolverine that Sabertooth exhibits. Plus Ryan Reynolds.
I’m fairly confident that the theaters you see this in are going to be filled with your local homosexuals.

Star Trek: If you’d told me a couple of years ago that I’d be eagerly anticipating a new Star Trek film, I’d have called you a damn dirty liar. In slightly more colorful language that brought into question your mother’s honor.
And yet, here we are.
All Paramount had to do to get me interested in Trek was make a film that looks as little like Trek as possible.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: While the first film had serious tone problems (seriously, are you a movie for kids or a movie for adults who played with Transformers when they were kids?) it kind of grew on me in the end. Eventually I just had to admit to myself that I wanted to see massive carnage inflicted by giant robots. And this promises us that. And Soundwave. And Ravage. And *sigh* Shia.
(I feel like such a dirty old man lusting after him. It’s embarrassing.)

Alien Trespass: A straight-faced spoof of 50’s anti-commie alien invader movies? That looks like it might actually be funny?
I’m getting a little hard just thinking about it.

Paris 36: I’m a sucker for French pop, and this period piece about a French music hall looks glitzy and glamorous and dreamily romantic.
Yes, I can be swayed by that sort of thing under the right circumstances.

Crank 2: Jason Statham, in various states of undress, kicking people. Yeah. First showing opening day, probably.

Netflix It
Pandorum: Astronauts going crazy on a space-ship? Oh, yeah, sign me up. The horror genre has been really letting me down lately, and I could use an old-school, psychological scare.

Sleep Dealer: A politically charged sci-fi film? Wow, that makes a welcome change of pa–oh, it’s not an American film. That explains it.

Public Enemies: Johnny Depp as John Dillenger sounds good, until you remember that over the last decade Depp hasn’t done much more than smirk his way through his roles.

The Objective: Sci-fi horror in Afghanistan from one of the creators of the Blair Witch Project. But this looks slightly clever and original, so we won’t hold that against him.

Bart Got A Room: While the “teen sex comedy” genre has made great strides in recent years, I’m still not quite sure how I’m supposed to take the “quriky indie comedy” take on the subject.

Dragonball Evolution: Oh, this looks gloriously terrible.

Inglourious Basterds: I lost patience with Tarantino years ago. He’s one-trick and one-note. But a movie that’s just non-stop Nazi killing? Okay, you’ve got me curious.

Eden Log: I have no idea what I just watched, but it was strangely pretty and compelling all the same.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian: The first one wasn’t as horrible as it could have been, and was actually almost funny a couple of times. Eh, what the heck.

G.I. Joe: Rise of COBRA: I seem to be one of the few men my age with no emotional attachment to the 80s Joe cartoons, toys or comics, so this just looks like big, dumb, loud, explodey action movie nonsense to me. I have, though, been very entertained by watching serious Joe fans angst out over how “silly” or “gay” this trailer looks. Because we all know how very serious and rampantly heterosexual the original toys were.

I Love You, Man: I loathe the term “bromance” to a degree that it borders on fury. It’s a stupid term coined by lifestyle journalists desperate to get men interested in male-male bonding without the specter of “teh gay” rearing it’s head. And Andy Samberg is at Dane Cook levels of anti-funny, so his mere presence in the film is a significant taint. But it’s Paul Rudd. And he’s way up there on the list of actors that I will put up with a bad movie to see. So, we’ll see. Who knows, it might actually be a half-way decent film, despite Samberg.

Astro Boy: Given that you pretty much have to be of a certain age to even know who Astro Boy is in this country, I’m wondering if a more thorough reinvention might not have been a better idea, like just going ahead and doing Pluto as a film.

I’d Sooner Join Glenn Beck’s “Ayn Rand Book Club”
Terminator Salvation: There is still nothing about this that looks remotely entertaining. And the film-makers have gone back to the “good” Terminator well? Some franchises just need to be allowed to die.

Battle for Terra: Oh, I can’t wait for the Fox News and Free Republic types to start in on their complaints about how this film is yet another Hollywood attack on traditional American values.
That looks to be about the only thing I could enjoy about this. So, so self-important looking. And ugly, ugly animation.

Planet 51: And then we’ve got the same basic concept here, but as an unfunny comedy. With equally ugly animation. Must be in the zeitgeist.

12 Rounds: This could have been a good idea for a film. And then they cast a wrestler in the lead.

17 Again: Ah, yes. Our once a decade revisiting of the Freaky Friday concept.

G-Force: I was prepared to let this one go without comment, as just dumb kid-vid trash…and then I saw the “sexy” female guinea pig. And that was just wrong on so many levels I died a little inside.

The Limits of Control: I suspect that if I was an “omigod, new Jarmusch film!” type, this would be exciting. But a lot of out-of-context shots of people saying non-sequiturs? Doesn’t offer me any hook to care about the film.

Funny People: Ironic title, considering. Judd Apatow decides to go serious with a film about a passive-aggressive asshole comedian trying to break up his ex’s marriage before he dies.
So Apatow is following Woody Allen’s career path in a hyper-accelerated fashion. I guess this means he marries a woman far too young for him and moves to Europe by 2011.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Okay now, seriously…has Matthew McConaughey ever been in a good movie?

Observe and Report: Did America really need two comedies about over-weight mall security guards? I would argue America didn’t need one.

The Taking of Pelham 123: Unrelenting subway action as you demand it! I think Travolta’s look in this film is even gayer than the Wolverine movie combined with the Transporter series.

Mutant Chronicles: If you go to see this, and then you complain that it is bad, people have the right to slap you. That is all.

Land of the Lost: People of taste and discrimination tell me that Will Ferrell’s Bush-channeling one-man show in New York is actually quite, quite funny. I have a hard time reconciling that with the kinds of films he’s been making. I mean…this doesn’t look good, or funny, but what strikes me as vaguely objectionable about the whole enterprise is how utterly unnecessary it is. On an intellectual level, I understand that the reason you make a movie called Land of the Lost that has only an accidental relationship to the source material is to get people who recognize the name to pay $8 bucks to see a movie when they might not be tempted to part with their cash for a completely new concept. But still…at a certain point, you really do have to wonder why anyone even bothered to get the rights to the name.

Super Capers: The real reason we need to get the 60s Batman show out on DVD? So Adam West can get some residuals money so that he doesn’t have to appear in…things…like this anymore.

Year One: I would swear that Jack Black used to be funny. This must be how Eddie Murphy fans feel.

All About Steve: I’m willing to put up with a lot for a Bradley Cooper movie. A movie that casts stalking as just a cute thing women do to impress guys? Yeah, not willing to see that.

9: Yeah…that, uh, that pretty much looks exactly like what I would expect a CGI film from Tim Burton and the hack who made Wanted to look like.

15 Responses to “Mid-March Trailer Reviews”
  1. Josh says:

    You don’t like Lone Star?

  2. Dorian says:

    Josh–A) McConaughey is barely in Lone Star.
    B) I thought it was okay…up until the “eh, incest…whatever” scenes.

  3. Rodney Tavvs says:

    Bart Got A Room was a theater-see for me. It redefined that type of comedy. Left me feeling good. That’s hard to do.

  4. M.A. Masterson says:

    Chow Yun Fat’s in the Dragonball thing? Why do I follow your links? Why? O curséd knowledge!

    And I’m disappointed that “G-Force” is not the Sandy Frank classic debacle. I’m also disappointed in Bill Nighy, Will Arnett, and Zach Galifianakis for showing their faces.

  5. Matt Maxwell says:

    REIGN OF FIRE was surprisingly good. And no, I don’t mean ironically bad so it ended up good, but just good. It’s not gonna cure cancer or anything, but then I usually don’t ask that of my entertainment, either.

  6. Ken Lowery says:

    a significant taint

    hee hee

    Sandberg looks like he’ll have a 5-minute role in that movie, at least.

    And second the rec for REIGN OF FIRE. Also, FRAILTY, at least until the last 10-15 minutes.

  7. Evan Waters says:

    I didn’t notice Sandberg much in the advertising. Huh. Seems mostly to be about Rudd and, uh, damn, the guy who plays Marshall on HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

  8. Thom says:

    I think a couple years ago if someone had suggested I would also be genuinely anticipating a Star Trek movie I would have punched them. Or, maybe just laughed at them.

    I watched Mutant Chronicles a week or two back…it was laughable (it really looked it was a “Made for Sci Fi Channel Original Movie” right down to the effects). But what actually made me a little sad is that Malcovich’s career has been reduced to bit roles in a movie like this.

    “But it’s Paul Rudd. And he’s way up there on the list of actors that I will put up with a bad movie to see. So, we’ll see. Who knows, it might actually be a half-way decent film, despite Samberg.”

    That sums up my feelings on this one pretty well.

  9. Bill D. says:

    My heart swells at finding out that I’m not the only one who thinks Andy Samberg is terminally unfunny.

    That Terminator thing… when we saw the trailer for that in front of Watchmen, my wife turned to me and said “Christian Bale shouldn’t have been yelling at the camera guy. He should have yelled at his agent for getting him in that movie.”

    As for Land of the Lost… well, they’ve got the raft plunging down the waterfall, the dinosaurs, and some Sleestaks, and I think that’s all most people remember (or care about) from the original.

    And clicking that link for Super Capers, I noticed the main character’s name is Ed Gruberman. Points for a reference to the Frantics’ “Tae Kwon Leep,” I suppose, but not much else.

  10. Zachary Lipez says:

    Richard Stevenson is my dad. Thanks for having him on your wish list. He’ll be delighted.

  11. jed says:

    Transformers apologism is a war crime.

  12. Bully says:

    Geez, G-Force shoulda just been Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers: The Motion Picture.

  13. My husband and I are the only people who liked EdTV, aren’t we?

  14. Thom says:

    So, the reviews are coming in for I Love You, Man…and they are leaning towards heavily positive (82% fresh at RT-out of 114 reviews). I just may have to try and catch this in the theater.

  15. Dorian says:

    Thom–I find Rotten Tomatoes absolutely useless as a metric, as it gives the opinion of Angry Reactionary Shut-In With A Website as much weight as Serious Film Critic Who Has Been Doing This For Years. That being said, Pete and I did up seeing it, and despite some eye-rolling at the Andy Samberg character as “the gay guy who seduces straight guys”, thought it ended up being pretty good.

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