• Low-budget independent films by first-time directors will have a maximum length of 80 minutes.
• Summer tent-pole action films will have a minimum length of 90 minutes and a maximum length of two hours.
• Anyone who is not a professional screen-writer who speaks publicly about how “easy” screen-writing is will be beaten in the street.
• Films that don’t take place in Los Angeles or Toronto must have at least 50% of their exterior scenes shot in the location where the film takes place.
• When the monster in your horror film dies, it is dead. Film-makers will be prohibited from closing their films on a shot of the monster coming back to life.
• Uwe Boll will be allowed to make films. Anyone who goes to an Uwe Boll film and then complains that it was terrible, however, will be beaten in the street.
• The maximum allowable length for a comedy is 90 minutes. For Judd Apatow films it is 80 minutes.
• A comedian who successfully makes it through a drama without performing any of his stand-up routine is not entitled to an Oscar nomination.
• A pop song used in a film trailer must be used in the film.
• Children’s films are permitted no more than two jokes about bodily excretions.
• All animated films are to be voiced by professional voice actors, not flavor-of-the-month celebrities.
• Animated films are allowed one, and only one, funny animal side-kick for the main character.
• Villains in animated films are allowed one, and only one, incompetent hench-being.
• Heroes in action films are allowed one ironic joke regarding a villain’s death every thirty minutes.
• Science-fiction films must have at least one scientifically plausible piece of technology.
• A new film-rating scale will be devised, in which films are ranked by how badly distracting the audience will find the toupee the balding leading man is wearing.
• Films that claim to be be “based on” or “inspired by” real events must contain no more than 25% fiction in the final edit.
• Films with supernatural themes that claim to be “based on” or “inspired by” real events must end with the disclaimer: “The preceding film was Grade-A, 100% Horse Shit.”
• Any film-maker who proposes to make a movie about a person who travels from the big city to a small town and discovers “real” values will be beaten in the street.
• Any romantic film in which the male lead behaves in a misogynistic manner, stalks a woman, berates a woman, or “puts a woman in her place” must have the phrase “This character is an asshole” on the screen in large, bold type every time the character is in shot.
• By the same token, any female lead in a romantic film who takes it upon herself to “fix” or “improve” a disagreeable male character must have the phrase “This character is delusional” on the screen in large, bold type every time the character is in shot.
• The “sassy best friend” role in films aimed at women is hereby banned.
• Any film-maker who, in their horror, sci-fi, fantasy or action film, includes a gay or black character, who is then killed with no logically compelling, rational, story-based reason, must, for a period of no less than six months and no more than eighteen, wear a sandwich board every time they go out in public which reads “I perpetuate stupid stereo-types and cliches in my movies.” The length of time the sandwich board must be worn depends on how frequent their offense in this matter are.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009 at 12:01 AM and is filed under movies, Supreme Dictator. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.