- Low-budget independent films by first-time directors will have a maximum length of 80 minutes.
- Summer tent-pole action films will have a minimum length of 90 minutes and a maximum length of two hours.
- Anyone who is not a professional screen-writer who speaks publicly about how “easy” screen-writing is will be beaten in the street.
- Films that don’t take place in Los Angeles or Toronto must have at least 50% of their exterior scenes shot in the location where the film takes place.
- When the monster in your horror film dies, it is dead. Film-makers will be prohibited from closing their films on a shot of the monster coming back to life.
- Uwe Boll will be allowed to make films. Anyone who goes to an Uwe Boll film and then complains that it was terrible, however, will be beaten in the street.
- The maximum allowable length for a comedy is 90 minutes. For Judd Apatow films it is 80 minutes.
- A comedian who successfully makes it through a drama without performing any of his stand-up routine is not entitled to an Oscar nomination.
- A pop song used in a film trailer must be used in the film.
- Children’s films are permitted no more than two jokes about bodily excretions.
- All animated films are to be voiced by professional voice actors, not flavor-of-the-month celebrities.
- Animated films are allowed one, and only one, funny animal side-kick for the main character.
- Villains in animated films are allowed one, and only one, incompetent hench-being.
- Heroes in action films are allowed one ironic joke regarding a villain’s death every thirty minutes.
- Science-fiction films must have at least one scientifically plausible piece of technology.
- A new film-rating scale will be devised, in which films are ranked by how badly distracting the audience will find the toupee the balding leading man is wearing.
- Films that claim to be be “based on” or “inspired by” real events must contain no more than 25% fiction in the final edit.
- Films with supernatural themes that claim to be “based on” or “inspired by” real events must end with the disclaimer: “The preceding film was Grade-A, 100% Horse Shit.”
- Any film-maker who proposes to make a movie about a person who travels from the big city to a small town and discovers “real” values will be beaten in the street.
- Any romantic film in which the male lead behaves in a misogynistic manner, stalks a woman, berates a woman, or “puts a woman in her place” must have the phrase “This character is an asshole” on the screen in large, bold type every time the character is in shot.
- By the same token, any female lead in a romantic film who takes it upon herself to “fix” or “improve” a disagreeable male character must have the phrase “This character is delusional” on the screen in large, bold type every time the character is in shot.
- The “sassy best friend” role in films aimed at women is hereby banned.
- Any film-maker who, in their horror, sci-fi, fantasy or action film, includes a gay or black character, who is then killed with no logically compelling, rational, story-based reason, must, for a period of no less than six months and no more than eighteen, wear a sandwich board every time they go out in public which reads “I perpetuate stupid stereo-types and cliches in my movies.” The length of time the sandwich board must be worn depends on how frequent their offense in this matter are.
© 2012 Dorian Wright Some Images © Their Respective Copyright Holders