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Sean William Scott


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Friday, November 14, 2008

Fiction Fails Me 

Aw, man...I've managed to blow through all the books in print by the authors I'm currently reading. I am bookless. I gotta find something to read. I know, I'll swing by the Local Chain Bookstore on my way home from work and pick something up. Take a look around, find something new. Yeah, that'll work. How hard can it be to find something worth reading in a store with millions of books on the shelves?

Okay, let's start here in the mystery section.


Sasha Trueblood is a plucky young FBI agent who has just been handed the case of her career. A serial killer is stalking super-models and leaving their corpses in fashion magazine lobbies. Becoming his bait by walking the runway, will she find him before he finds her?


Okay. That's...that's maybe a little too high concept for me. And a setting I don't really care about. Let's look for something on the next shelf.

Miranda Delamorte is a plucky young forensic investigator who just landed the case of her career. Called to the scene of a bloody serial killing, she must use her expertise as a botanical analyst to-


Ugh, no, no tech-porn

Helen Punnaname is a plucky young-


Christ, are there any other adjectives for female mystery protagonists? Let's go in a different direction for the mysteries and check out the trade sized books with the fancy-dancy lettering

Philip Sicizer is a rookie cop assigned to the Chicago World's Fair when he stumbles upon a charnal house in a local hotel. With the help of his adopted Native American son, he must unravel a mystery connected to an unspeakable secret at the fair.


Oh, well, that's only been done about a dozen times now. What else is here?

Henry O'Malley is a rookie cop who has just discovered a body in the foundations of Ellis Island. With his adopted Chinese son, he must unravel a trans-Atlantic conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of European and American politics!


Okay, was there some wave of single-male adoptions in the 1900s that never got covered in history class? Okay, forget it, moving on...

An art historian must unravel a religious secret hidden in late Renaissance murals before the Vatican's secret assassins catch up to him.


No.

An archaeologist must unravel an occult conspiracy hidden in Etruscan pottery before the Vatican's secret assassins catch up to him.


No.

A grad student must unravel a Royal conspiracy hidden in Elizabethan poetry before the Crown's secret assassins catch up to her.


Dan Brown has much to answer for.

Okay, it's clear that I'm not going to find anything in the mystery section. Let's try fantasy and sci-fi.


In a techno-retro past where steam-powered technology rules the day, a humble inventor must risk his life to expose a conspiracy that reaches to the highest level of society.


Well, at least no one's plucky.

In Part the Second of the "Deathwing of the Skies" Pentology, Rehyvar the Red Rogue and his unwilling bond-mate Hhaarriiaa must seek the aid of the Ulaiora, beautiful immortal beings who are not at all anything like Elves, before the Black Wizards of Notnilc and Isolep can carry out their murderous plot against the High Tetrarch of Raqari. And, far away, the sinister forces of the Undead Lich Lord of Undeath is marshalling his armies beyond the reaches of the Black Swamps of Un'unt'uh.


Are they seriously still making books like this?

Amy Alicia is a plucky girl working at the cosmetics counter at a run-down department store. While walking home one night she's attacked, only to be rescued by the mysterious Braun, a sexy and dashing man that Amy finds herself mysteriously drawn to. As she learns more about Braun, she is drawn deeper into his world of night-creatures, as she comes face to face with the greatest secret of the ages: vampires live amongst us!


Gyah! No! Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Marv Purvis is a military man from a long history of military men. Rocketed to the stars to fight an invading horde of aliens, he must bond together with the other men in his unit as they learn about their amazing new weapons, the strange loves of alien women, and the unholy savages bent on the destruction of Earth and their way of life in a way that is not at all intended to be an allegory for contemporary American politics at all.


Ah. Gun porn. Fortunately, I have no anxieties over the size of my penis, and don't need to read stuff like this.

Well, this is a bust. Let's look at horror.


The second cousin of acclaimed horror author Dean Koontz brings you a shattering journey into terror that is remarkably similar to Koontz's books but distinct enough to avoid copy-right issues!


Wow...there's like two whole shelves of books by relatives of better horror writers! When did this turn into a distinct sub-genre?

A haunted radio-


Pass.

A demon-possessed guitar-


Pass.

Zombies-


God, no! Holy Christ, there's like six shelves of zombie books!

A pre-historic shark-


NO! No, no, no! Isn't there one single fucking book in this entire damn store that speaks to me as a reader?

Fucked up shit goes down on an island. Dudes get messed up, hard. The actual Devil may be involved, or crazy dudes just think it's the Devil.


...

Yeah, okay, you're worth wagering eight bucks on.

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