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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
What If...Joss Whedon Wrote Doctor Who
Rose would be played by an actress half Billie Piper's size.
Mickey would be Miki, Rose's peppy yet nerdy side-kick.
Both Rose and Miki would be straight, but there would be plenty of lesbian innuendo between them aimed at male audience members.
The Doctor would only appear for five to ten minutes of each episode, acting as Rose's mentor as he helps her fulfill her special destiny.
Captain Jack would be incompetent and straight, yet his relationship with the Doctor would be even more homoerotic.
Everybody would be in love with Rose because of how special she is, even though the traits people say they admire her for are never actually demonstrated. In fact, she acts like a selfish, spoiled, stuck-up bitch pretty much all the time.
Rose would frequently talk about traveling in time and space, yet we would never actually see it happen on the show.
Everybody would be white. Except for Martha, who would show up for two or three episodes and then get killed off. We can't have anyone threaten to displace Rose as the most interesting character, now can we?
For that matter, Donna would never appear on the show. What, you think people want to watch a show about an old lady having adventures? And forget about having Astrid, even as a guest star. No competing blonds, are you insane?
The Master would be in every single episode. He would be in love with Rose. Eventually his love for Rose would cause him to reform, therefore robbing him of what little bits of characterization made him interesting in the first place.
The show's fixation on Rose would last past the point at which the story structure makes sense for it to focus on her at all, past the point at which any compelling drama can be wrung from the character or her situation. To the point, frankly, where other characters start to look and act like total dicks because the show's creators don't trust the audience to move on past Rose. Uhm...hold up...