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Sean William Scott

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Monday, February 04, 2008

From Hell's Heart I Stab At Thee! 

I only occasionally bother to do a full score look at Previews. Frankly, there's too many other people out there doing it. So I really have to hold off on it unless there is sufficient material I find appalling enough to merit taking the time to do one. And by "appalling enough" what I mean is: I feel the need to go wash a couple layers of skin off with a pumice stone when I contemplate being in the same building as people who want to own these things.

Yeah, this was one of those months...

Liberty Meadows Keychain Trading Figures—Page 63
How to get me to buy Frank Cho merchandise:

Make me a little duckling riding a dachsund.
(There's going to be a huge-breasted woman on the package, isn't there?)

Cybercontroller Statue—Page 64
I'm a fairly shameless Doctor Who fan, and the success of the new series has meant that, finally, I can get my hands on decent merchandise. And still…

A $300 "Weta Collectibles" Cyberman statue? No.
(We will not mention the $330 Dalek statue…)

Spawn: Age of Pharohs—Jackal King—Page 177
Okay, the picture isn't that great, but:

It's nice to see McFarlane toys finally putting out a toy with a noticeable package in addition to the obligatory female figure with big…assets.

Secret Invasion—Marvel Previews Page 41
Only two cross-over titles…that's positively restrained. 'Couse, I'm not the slightest bit interested. Largely this is due to the series getting sadled with an artist not even remotely the slightest bit to my taste. But also because I already sat through this storyline with the Dire Wraiths. And the Manhunters.
(It wasn't very good those last two times, either.)

Jim Butcher's The Dresden Files: Welcome to the Jungle—Page 266
No joke, I just wanted to be sure Pete saw that a Harry Dresden comic was coming out.

The Nye Incidents—Page 274
A new graphic novel from Devil's Due. This is the first line of the ad:

Okay, so we're looking at some sort of non-fiction comic, like Palestine or something by Harvey Pekar, right?

Ah, so "True Events" is evidently a typo for "Unadulterated Bullshit." Devil's Due really should hire a better proof-reader.

Thirsty For Love—Page 290
This is the description for this yaoi title from Digital Manga Publishing's June' imprint:
Orie Nakano’s girlfriend is cheating on him with two other men! One is the mysteriously untouchable Tatsumi, and the other is the basketball-playing upperclassman that Orie idolizes.
But things are far from being as simple as they seem, and now the three men are inevitably pulled towards each other and bond together by their love for Yuka, which extends much farther than just the girl herself. Love, admiration and lust intermingle around them in an inescapable spiral in this coming of age sexy romance.

Teenage boys sleeping with the same girl leads, somehow, to gay sex…Yeah…You know, some gay men really don't like the way yaoi depicts gay men. Plots like this sort of drive home why.

Mack Bolan, The Executioner: The Devil's Tools—Page 306
Given how many comic-book characters are thinly disguised riffs on Mack Bolan, it's nicely full circle that a new comic featuring the character is coming out.
Man, The Executioner. I can remember a time when there were two or three bays full of "men's adventure" novels in every bookstore I ever went to. I can't even remember the last time I saw even a single copy of something in the genre in a bookstore. Low sales killed off the genre, I guess. Well, to be more specific, the self-fulfilling prophecy of "men don't read/let's not put out light reading for men" killed the genre. Now I can find seven or eight bays worth of books about plucky young women going to the big city and getting their dream job and a guy who will put them in their place (but for the love of all that's holy, don't call the book a "romance").
I don't even like men's adventure novels (well, the cover art is usually a hoot) and I feel put out that the genre's gone…

Captain Action #0—Page 319
Really Moonstone? That's the license you went after?

Okay, I'm scanning the next two, because if I don't someone's going to call me a liar:

Okay, I'm going to save all of you lovely people $220. The comics industry started when a bunch of gangsters looking to launder their money found a way to cheat a bunch of teenagers and people who couldn't break into real illustration jobs out of their intellectual property. They made a lot of money doing so and have done their level best to whittle away their audience ever since. Now we are left with an industry where Marvel and DC screw Diamond, Diamond screws every other publisher, everybody screws retailers and fans complain that they're not being sufficiently coddled to.
Honestly, what's the market for these books? I'm picturing them appealing to the same sort of people who sign up for a $2000 course in "How to Save Money."

A Whole Shitload of Indiana Jones Novels—Page 408
If I'm not mistaken, all these books are reprints of the novels that came out after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Lucasfilm tried to create an "Expanded Universe" for the Indiana Jones films, given that it didn't seem likely that a fourth film would be made and they had to get more income off the property somehow.
I made the mistake of reading one of them once.
I'd advise against them.

Family Guy Presents Episode IV: A New Hope Premium Trading Cards--420
Trading cards based on the Star Wars parody episode of the worst animated series since Capitol Critters.
I'm not going to make fun of anyone who buys these. How could I possibly add to your shame?

American Flagg! Ltd Edition Hardcover Book Set—Page 427
This is not the long-awaited new collection of this series. No, this is a set of old hard-covers that were, presumably, sitting around in some warehouse somewhere. I can't help but feel that the presence of this listing in the catalog should be taken as a sign that the new collection still won't be coming out anytime soon.
I expect we'll see the next issue of Ultimate Hulk vs Wolverine before we see that collection.

The Golden Compass Basic Action Figures—Page 446
In case you somehow missed picking these up when every toy store in the country had shelf after shelf of pegwarmers going unwanted before Christmas…

The Princess Bride: Talking Dread Pirate Roberts Plush—Page 450

Oh, I hope it's in scale with the Another Country plush dolls!

Randy Bowen's Gargoyle Statue—Page 466
Get it now, before Disney's lawyers get wind of it:

I'm just sayin'…

Medieval Wooden Sword—Page 518

I love this little reminders of the fact that Diamond still considers head shops and Ren Faires to be an important part of their business model.

Labyrinth Door Knocker—Page 519

I just want to draw your attention to one line here: "…One can hardly speak and the other can hardly hear, making them a form of living irony."
i-ro-ny, noun, "the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning."
A door knocker that cannot speak or hear because of where the ring is placed really doesn't fit that definition. At all.
(This observation submitted by Little Mikey Sterling, Aged 52, of Greater San Buenaventura, California)

Sweeney Todd Razor Prop Replica—Page 521

This has been your "oh dear God, these fucking prop replicas need to fucking stop already" entry for the month.

Doctor Who Micro Universe Game—Page 535

Doctor Who clicky-style collectable miniature game? Oh, my yes.Yes yes yes.

Eleven Men Out DVD—Page 548
I nearly dropped my copy of Previews when I came across this. In the midst of all the anime, bargain-basement horror films, nerd-core television shows and soft-core porn, Diamond is soliciting a European film about a gay soccer team. It's unprecedented!
I wonder what they thought they were soliciting…

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