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Monday, May 07, 2007
What Bruce and Clark do for Fun
It's a typical day in the Fortress of Solitude, as Supes and Bats spend time playing the Sims with Superman's Kryptonian super-computer:
As usual, it's all fun and games until Bruce gets moody:
"You...you really know how to kill a mood, don't you Bruce?" "My parents are dead." "Yeah, I know!"
Clark departs the Fortress to go gaslight Lois and Jimmy, while Bruce heads off to mope in Gotham. Unfortunately, the forget to exist out of the Matrix, and the program continues running...
"World's Greatest Detective" my Aunt Fanny! His "son" figured out he was living in a computer simulation, and he isn't even real!
Somehow or another, Superman Jr and Batman Jr manage to escape from the Supercomputer. Actually, they "fly" at such a great speed as to overload the computer circuits. Which makes them real. Just run with it, okay?
I have no funny commentary here, I just want to point out that Superman Jr is just as big a dork as his father. Oh, okay, if you want a dumb joke, insert a Short Circuit reference here.
After saving some Arctic explorers from a crazy man with a gun (look, just run with it, okay?), Superman Jr and Batman Jr head off to look up their dads. Supes Jr runs into some of his pop's friends first, though.
Cry Emo Lois! Cry!
Bats Jr's reunion with Bats Pere goes a little better:
"Selina? No, too old. Julie? No, too young. Vicki? Maybe it was Vicki. Did I ever get that drunk with Vicki?"
Clark, meanwhile, has discovered that, everywhere the Super Sons go, a natural disaster follows. He and Bruce take the boys back to the Fortress, where Clark proposes the easiest, most elegant solution to the problem of computer simulations coming to life:
There's not really any logic to Clark's decision...he just solves all his problems with the Disintegration Pit. Why do you think no one's seen the Yellow Peri in so long?
Since Clark is unable to talk two teenage boys into committing suicide, the World's Finest partners but not in a gay way resort to BatLogic:
"Besides, boys, there was no need for us to imagine mothers for you, because women are soulless parasites, and will drain you of your vital energies." "Christ, Bruce, knock it off, do you want Diana to break your legs again?"
And yet, somehow, that works, and the Super Sons agree to throw themselves into the Disintegration Pit.
"I didn't really want to exist anyway" is quite possibly the most bathetic line Denny O'Neil ever wrote.
"Clark...I know we just watched our sons kill themselves..." "Yeah..." "And I know you're feeling very emotionally vulnerable and confused right now..." "Yeah..." "Want to make out?" "...Yeah."