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Thursday, September 07, 2006
Your Guide to Lazy Posting: Message Boards
Sometimes, you just don't want to share your brilliance with the world. Your precious insights and witticisms are just too...special to be shared with the masses via your blog. But you have an obligation to the many thousands and thousands of people who come to your site daily to be enlightened by your gloriosity. So, you need something to keep the monkeys occupied while you refresh yourself from the very hard work that is blogging.
This is when the smart lazy blogger turns to message boards. It's like all the entertaining lunatics gathered in one place, and you can cherry-pick their bon-mots to entertain your audience. It's perfection!
If you're doing the comics blogging thing, a good place to start is TALK@Newsarama. The political threads especially are a good starting place. Don't bother with the comics threads too much, they're mostly sane. And every once in awhile you run into very special things like polls about which posters have the hairiest ass.
The DC comics message boards are usually a treasure-trove of scary-scary fanboys. Honestly, if I were a cruel man, I would suggest that someone could almost make a blog dedicated to reposting some of the more insane comments and threads that go on over there. The question is occasionally raised as to why, exactly, DC lets the boards run as wild as they do, given that it does tend to give DC and their fans a bad name. I think DC honestly has washed their hands of the boards and has just let them run feral as a kind of social experiment. I mean, let's take a look at some recent threads.
On the topic of "political correctness" in the new Justice League of America title (because a Justice League that isn't 100% lily-white is somehow a bad thing: COME ON! Do you really believe that there was no racial agenda involved? How can you say that with a straight face? Do you really think Black Lightning and Vixen would have made the team if they were white? No way! Their powers and themes are simply not special enough. Plus, keep in mind that Black Lightning and Vixen were specifically created in the first place (in the late 70s) to be "black" characters. Their actual powers were never really important.
Hey, yet another totally original "Brokebat Mountain" joke! So, Nightwing and Robin are on top of a building scooping out some bad guys. Robin says to Nightwing, "So, you ever fuc$ed someone in the a$$ before?" "No never have but I sure have thought about f-ing your azz. In fact since we have some time right now why don't we pack each others shi%?" says Nightwing.
With excitement Robin pulls down his uniform, spreads his cheeks and Nightwing goes to town on Robin's a$$. As Nightwing begins to do the "reach around" to Robin a news helicopter flies into view with a spot light on Robin and Nightwing fuc*ing a$$. As Batman is sitting in the Batcave he sees on the local news being broadcast live, Robin and Nightwing packin shiz. Batman yells out, "I knew it!"
The End. This story would be best told as a one-shot...one-shot of gizz to the face! hahahahahahahahaha
Marvel recently answered many bloggers prayers and started their own message board. It's pretty tame at the moment, as they seem to be heavily moderating it. But, c'mon...it's Marvel fans over there. When the fruitcakiness starts in earnest over there, there'll be no going back!
Right now we have to contend with threads about the worst mutant in which Gambit is only mentioned once, and Cable not at all.
The problems with the Ultimate universe: "you are wrong! ultimate marvel is a disgrace to marvel comics and i hate how they changed the story behind every good hero in marvel comics." "meh! i dont like new readers very much, i am kinda a new reader but i read the old comics first and how i loved them! i dont read ultimate marvel and dont like it at all."
"Because killing the elderly and children is too hardcore for the shitty "horror" movies that are too scared to be truly horrific."
"iTs usually the dUmb whitegirl who tRips and falls, taking 5 minutes to get up and hOller so much that she won't have enough breath to even eScape" --I have to admire this posters dedication to the concept of rANdoM caPitaliZatiOn
In a thread favorably comparing the remake of The Wicker Man to the original: "i never saw the original, and frankly i dont care too! normally the original's for movies like this are sooo boring and they are never as fresh or exciting as the new films so, all you remake naysayers can take a hike bc remakes rock and they aren't going anywhere!!"
The TalkBack sections of Ain't It Cool News are usually gems of unintended comedy as well. Of course, you have to read Ain't It Cool News to get to them. Your best bet right now are the sections about the upcoming Transformers live-action film. People seem to be...surprised that it looks like it's going to be awful. Really, a live-action film based on a twenty-year old cartoon based on a toy-line looks like it's not going to be a triumph of artisitic genius? Whoda thunk it? "It becomes harder for me...to cling so desperately to my childhood in a pathetic fashion as it continues to be @$$ raped. I may have to grow up now."
"I just get angrier and angrier every time I see this kind of shit. It looks like Optimus is on his way to a ho down for some moonshine, and line dancing. If i ever come across micheal bay in real life I will throw hot coffee in his fucking face."
"THEY FUCKED WITH HIS FUCKING EYES!!!! HOW HARD IS IT TO GIVE OPTIMUS FUCKING SLITS FOR HIS EYES AND BLUEISH GLOW EMMINATING FROM THEM? THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR THAT!! NO FUCKING EXCUSE AT ALL!!! YOU SAY... 'WE WANT IT TO LOOK MORE REALISTIC, GIVE HIM DEFINITION OF RIBS WITH THE FLAMES, WE SAY HE NEEDS TO LOOK REALISTIC WHEN HE TRANSFORMS SO CHANGE THE VEHICLE SLIGHTLY...AND THE EYES WE JUST WANT TO GIVE A BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO THE FANS" THE FLAMES ARE FUCKIN RIDICULOUS, BUT I CAN TOTALLY DIG CHANGING THE TRUCK FOR REALISM... THE KEY IS REALISM.. HOW THE FUCK DOES GIVING OPTIMUS HUMAN LOOKING EYES FIT INTO REALISM??? HE'S A FUCKING ROBOT!!! A FUCKING GOD DAMN FUCKING ROBOT... WHAT DO MOST ROBOT'S EYES LOOK LIKE??? FUCKING SLITS WITH LIGHT EMINATING FROM THEM... NOT HEIROGLYPHICS!! YOU FUCKING IDIOTS FUCK YOU MICHEAL BAY FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING ASS!!"
Lastly, and I may be the odd-man out on this one, but a surprisingly good source of entertaining message board posts are the "discussion" pages at Wikipedia. There's no easy way to find them. You basically just have to get into the habit of making sure to check those pages whenever you happen to be looking something up on the site. It's like a little Easter Egg of insanity! One of my favorite discussion to have stumbled upon recently was a heated argument over wether or not the character of Lt. Dangle on Reno 911 is supposed to be gay or not: "Dangle's orientation is never made clear, for a reason: it's a running gag. To say outright that he is gay is simply wrong, unless there is an episode someone can point to where it's explicitly made clear he's gay."
"Bull! Dangle is a homosexual man, period, end of sentence, strictly given the evidence on the show. You might as well say he has an "ambiguous sex" becuase we never see his actual penis. To suggest otherwise is to either a) not know the definition of homosexuality; b) not understand the comedy or the characters completely; or c) not understand comedy. I don't give a crap what TV Guide says; there IS overwhelming evidence, and none to the contrary unless you do some sort of mental gymnastics."
"That's a horribly false analogy. You're making too hasty a conclusion without really thinking. Your "evidence" is based mainly on his outward behavior, which means that obviously you don't know the definition of homosexual. Anything that points to him being gay and attempting to cover it up could also point to him being straight and attempting to appear gay. Face it: there is not enough evidence either way to make a clear conclusion. Advantage is taken of this fact to create humorous situations. His ambiguity is what makes it funny. It's the entire point."
"The only reason this is a "debate" is become some people are horribly obtuse and stubborn. Let's look at the evidence: a) college kids called him "gay cop," to which he accepted and danced for them; b) told a gay guy meeting garcia that "you know he doesn't play for our team;" c) the shorts and his tendency to display homosexual characteristics; d) the fact that his "marriage" was a marriage of convenience; e) the fact that at his divorce he told his ex-wife's husband that he'd seen him at his ostensibley-gay store before and that he would be in touch; f) kissed a random, very fit man in the first episode; g) wore a dress and stood with a bunch of hookers "deep undercover" in another episode; h) was extremely frustrated at his attraction for the FBI cop...until he found out she was really a man; i) STRONGLY DESIRED AND HAD SEX WITH S. JONES; j) flirts with other men routinely and ignores women... Okay, now take the burden of proof and try to show that Dangle has the slightest yearning for women...I challenge you..."
"As for the anonymous post, you're doing your argument a disservice. Let me run down the line: a) Just because the fraternity referred to him as gay cop doesn't support it at all. They were judging solely on his appearance since they had no other knowledge of him. b) You need to put that in context for it to give a clear idea of what meaning was intended. c) His shorts and "homosexual characteristics" in fact have nothing to do with being homosexual. Homosexuality is not defined by being flamboyant. e) I don't think you're understanding what ostensibly means. f) That doesn't necessarily support homosexuality and could indeed be a measure taken to make him seem more ambiguous. g) Cross-dressing is not homosexuality; the fact that his intentions aren't clear makes it even more ambiguous. h) The fact that he was attracted to someone that he thought was a woman works further to create ambiguity. i) Strongly desired? Those are your own words. He was undoubtedly making an advance, but that doesn't prove your case. j) Flirts with other men routinely? It sure is fun to make believe, isn't it? For it to be routine, it would have to occur in just about every episode."
"You're wrong on several counts: a) Reno 911 is a show in the Reno 911 universe, meaning the frat may well have access to the same show we do, or a similar one. There are several scenes where the perps are aware the officers arresting them are Reno 911 characters; b) what context, have you seen the episode?!?!?!? Season 2, Garcia's military buddy, do you watch the show?; c) the fact that he has some queen characteristics has nothing to do with the writers trying to show him being gay? Are you joking? e) I know well what ostensibly means. The title of the store is an ostensibly homosexual one. WATCH THE EPISODE! f) Kissing another man isn't a homosexual act? g) The purpose of him being there was to have sex with men...Are you really that blind? h) No, he was FRUSTRATED that he had a mysterious attraction to a woman. There's no ambiguity, the only reason he had feelings for her was that she was really a man. A bi-man wouldn't care if he liked a woman, it wouldn't bother him; i) He had sex with him and had been advancing on him for years; j) Make believe? It's happened about 7 or 8 times on the show. With the pepper-spray guy. With Ben Garrant in the pull-over skit. With the hotel concierge. That's three off the top of my head from season one alone. It probably happens every episode that he does something to suggest his homosexuality."
Other good places to try for fun message board discussions: any message board dedicated to a particular comics creator. They're like primers on sycophantic behaviors. Also, comics-related Live Journal communities are excellent places to go for good quotes on fanboy entitlement and nerd rage.
Next on Your Guide to Lazy Posting: Your Friend, YouTube...if I ever bother to get around to it...