I ventured into the alterna-hip-indie record store in Ventura yesterday. I was looking for a Candy Butchers album. I couldn’t find one. No, not even under “Mike Viola” or in the used section. So, I went and found the one employee with natural hair color and no facial piercings, thinking that this would be the person most likely to be able to assist me without commenting on my taste in music in the process (a particular problem with many of the employees at this store).
“Excuse me, do you have any Candy Butchers albums?”
Uh…did you look under “C”.
“Yes. In ‘Rock’ and ‘Used.’ But I’ve learned from past experience that things in this store tend to be shelved according to the musical standards of whoever happened to be working put-away that day, else how do you explain why The Damned keep ending up in your ‘Goth/Industrial’ section while Pink is in ‘Punk’ and No Doubt is in ‘Reggae’.”
Let me check the computer…We have about a dozen different Canned Heat albums, is that what you’re looking for?
“No, I don’t really care for hippie blues bands, and besides, I came in looking for Candy Butchers.”
Dude, I don’t think they really exist. If they did, we’d have their albums. We’re the local alterna-hipster indie music store, after all.
“Let’s see…the last bands or performers an employee here told me didn’t exist were Queen Adreena (you kept trying to sell me Queen), Scissor Sisters (Michelle Shocked), Hidden Cameras (Mott the Hoople), Mountain Goats (Madonna), Polyphonic Spree (Pet Shop Boys) and Stephen Lynch (Sleater Kinney). And yet, in each case, I was able to purchase those albums either on-line or from a chain store. Oh, and by the way, is it really necessary to play Salt-N-Pepa so loudly in the store we’ve had to have this entire conversation while shouting?”
We’re playing Salt-N-Pepa because it’s part of the drinking song mix we play here!
“Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’ is a drinking song?”
Dude, it’s ironic!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I buy music online.
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