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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Apparently, I'm Never Going to the Movies Again
It's time once again to unfairly judge films based on the advertising material released to the public in an attempt to entice the public into viewing the film. The criteria I generally use for this are "Would be willing to see in a theater," "Would be willing to rent," and "I've become temporarily paralyzed with the TV set to a cable movie channel and have no choice but to watch."
Worth $9 Adam & Steve: A light, fluffy gay romantic comedy. The cast is appealing enough that I'm willing to overlook the general tiredness of the romantic comedy in general, and the rather poor history of the "gay romance film" in particular, and it's incredibly refreshing to see a gay-themed film get made in which the male leads are both openly gay. It's the sort of casting choice that makes a subtle difference in films like this. (Now, I say I'd see it on the big screen, but given the frequency with which gay indie films come anywhere near a convenient driving distance, it's more likely to end up a rental.)
Guys and Balls: A German film about a gay soccer team. The stereotypes are a little broad (German's don't really seem to do "subtle" in film comedies), but it looks fairly fun and notable.
Kinky Boots: A British film about drag queens and fetish foot-wear. Frankly, going to see this one is a bit of a no-brainer.
Over the Hedge: I'm shocked and appalled that I actually want to see a CGI film about talking animals.
Worth putting in my film queue The Simpsons Movie: I really hate content-free teasers. I may eventually see this, but I'm pretty much over the Simpsons at this point. The show should have probably been quietly retired long before now.
Little Miss Sunshine: I'm holding out hope here, because the cast is stellar, but comedies about child beauty pageants run the risk of being either insufferably coy or unbearably pretentious. As under-stated as the trailer looks, I'm leaning towards risking pretentious. All right, there's a joke about Nietzsche in the trailer, it's going to be slightly pretentious. But Steve Carell in a beard hitting on younger men makes for an oddly compelling side-premise.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby: Well, it's Will Ferrell not making a "family film." It's Judd Apatow. But...something says "misstep" about it to me. Maybe it's just that I'm a vile Blue State Elitist Fag and a NASCAR comedy just sounds like a bad idea to me.
The Promise: It certainly looks pretty, but I'm getting extremely burnt out on Chinese martial-arts romantic epics that look pretty and have no plot to speak of. Especially when they all end the same damn way.
Keeping Up with the Steins: I'm not sure even Jeremy Piven can keep me interested in a film about over-spending on a Bar Mitzvah. If I were a cruel man, I'd say that this films runs the risk of putting an end to that "Jews are funny" stereotype once and for all.
X-Men 3: And, at long last, the generally okay X-Men films finally sink to the levels of incomprehensibility and self-important angst and posturing that the comics long ago reached.
An American Haunting: Unwieldy title aside ("Bell Witch" would have sounded better...but then people would expect a witch, rather than a ghost movie...stupid Americans), I might be intrigued enough by this to at least give it a glance. Of course, given that it's by the same director who gave us the Dungeons & Dragons move, I'm braced for the worst.
Lucky Number Slevin: Josh Hartnett is a strong disincentive to viewing. And I can't even begin to describe how angry that stupid upside down "7" in the title makes me. And I really never need to see another "edgy dark humored crime thriller" ever again. Pete wants to see it though. The sacrifices we make, eh?
Brick: This looks to have actual potential as a good crime film. But the hard-sell it's been getting as the "next great noir" is grating and causing the film to wear out it's welcome with me.
Dear God, make it stop Silent Hill: If there were some way to make it illegal to make movies based on video games, I'd really feel compelled to get behind supporting any law-makers who'd vote for the bill.
Miami Vice: Maybe if they weren't playing it straight. Or maybe if they could flash the sentence "Academy Award Winner Jaime Foxx" across the screen without making me roll my eyes. Foxx winning an Academy Award is proof that they just like to give the statuettes to people who can do a passable impression of a dead person. (Exactly how many Stealth-caliber films does an actor have to make before the Academy forces them to stop referring to themselves as an "Academy Award Winner?")
United 93: Oh, hell no! Not because I hate America (though I do), but because it has ever appearance of being self-important and cheaply exploitive of tragedy for political and financial gain.
The DaVinci Code: The worst novel of all time might, might have made a semi-decent occult Euro-thriller of the kind that fills up my Netflix queue. If, of course, it hadn't been for the involvement of Tom Hanks and Ron Howard, which pretty much guarantees I won't be able to sit through it. I'll just go re-read my Rex Mundi trades instead.
MI3: I wonder how many body-Thetans watching this film will purge you of?
Stoned: So, I guess we've run out of movies to make about the Beatles and have moved on to the Rolling Stones now?
The Wild: Is it just me, or does this look like Disney more or less remaking Madagascar, another film I have no interest whatsoever in watching.
Alpha Dog: Hey, spoiled, rich, suburban white kids playing gangster get in over their heads! That sounds like a richly compelling drama! No, wait, sorry, that sounds like garbage.
The Omen: Remember what I said earlier about movies based on video games needing to be banned? Yeah, I think we can safely extend that sentiment to include remakes of horror films. Especially in the case of a remake of a film that ground out its welcome with terrible sequel after sequel in the first place.
Apocalypto: Can somebody please stop Mel Gibson making religious movies? Please? And don't tell me it's not a religious film. This has "heavy-handed parable" written all over it.
Art School Confidential: I didn't care for Crumb. And I thought Ghost World really emphasized the weaknesses of Clowes' work (not to mention being creeped out by Clowes' Mary-Sue character having sex with Enid). And really, making fun of pretentious art-school students takes no skill or wit at all anyway. So I'll proudly stake out the minority position on this film and express my complete and utter lack of interest in this movie.
Click: Two things come to mind. One, I loathe Adam Sandler. Two, this film actually makes a joke about the "Beyond" in "Bed, Bath and Beyond." These people must not be allowed to make another movie.