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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Completely Unfair Reactions to Film Trailers
It's been too long. And they just keep providing me with so much material...
As usual, the categories roughly break down into "What I'll be willing to pay full price for," "What I'm willing to rent," and "What I'll watch on cable if I'm tied down to the bed and forced into one of those head-gear contraptions from 'A Clockwork Orange'."
Pay To See
The Producers: Not my favorite Brooks film, but interesting as part of Nathan Lane's continuing attempts to do every role Zero Mostel every played over again.
The Libertine: Any film which advertises itself as "controversial" and is set several hundred years in the past...yeah, that suggests a certain sense of self-importance to me.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: I would probably have been more charitably inclined to it if Disney hadn't decided to begin shoe-horning elements of the films into the rides that the films are based on. But apart from that, Depp's schtick was entertaining once. I'm not sure I can sit through two more films of this.
Slither: And no, we didn't really need a remake of "Night of the Creeps." If this gets a look at all, it'll be because someone like Corey tells me that it wasn't as terrible as it looked.
Transamerica: Let me get on my Queer Politics Soapbox for a moment here: Hollywood! Stop casting women as transexuals! You're not fooling anyone! (At least they tried to make her look like a man, but honestlyÂ )
The Fountain: What an amazing collection of context-less special effects shots.
X3: Okay, let's get this out of the way first. I think everyone was worried that casting Kelsey Grammar as the Beast was going to consist of painting Grammar blue and sticking some unconvincing fake fur on him. Now that everyone's worst fear was correct, we can move on. Wow, does this look bad. Just horribly, horribly bad. All the things that Avi Arad and the Marvel Suits swore weren't actually going to be in the film after that terrible script was leaked appear to actually be in the film. I think you can even spot the exact scene where they kill of Cyclops in the trailer. Mike noted that the scene of the Golden Gate Bridge being ripped apart was more than a little reminiscent of asimilarr scene in Grant Morrisons New X-Men run, and I think he's right. I'm kind of wondering how many other scenes from his run will show up in this movie, because it certainly looks like the film-makers have run out of original ideas for this franchise. (Now, everyone go bug Mike to post his observations re: X3, a solo Wolverine film, the Doc Savage film and the X-Men comics.)
Casanova: Heath Ledger might be able to pull off the swashbuckling bravado the role needs. But what's with Hollywood's sudden fascination with the 18th century?
Tamara: Picked on teenage girl gets her revenge on the cool kids from beyond the grave. Oh, it's an artifact of an era aboutÂ 20 years gone by. But it looks just wrong enough to be fun.
Dear God, Make It Stop
Poseidon: A great cast can't save a remake of a film that really wasn't very good to begin with. I'm actually sort of baffled as to why anyone thought this wanecessaryry. Was it just because they wanted to show off their shiny new special effects? Did all these actors suddenly feel the urge to buy a new car?
Ice Age 2: That bit in the beginning with the squirrel fighting the fish? Yeah, that's pretty much going to be the only thing entertaining in this entire thing, isn't it?
Monster House: I can't decide if the human characters are creepy looking or just plain crappy looking. In any case, the film as a whole just looks all kinds of dumb.
Cars: If I'm going tbeer perfectly honest, I'd have to say that I haven't been terribly impressed with any of Pixar's films. Oh sure, they're pretty to look at while you're watching them, but they're hollow and soulless and joyless and condescending and preachy and, well, you get the idea. I've no doubt this will be more of the same, while containing lots of conspicuous product placements for Chevron.
Adam & Eve: "Hey dude, wanna go see the Crypt-Keeper's son in a movie about a guy trying to bang a chick, 'produced' by a magazine that stopped being funny back when your dad was your age?" Not really, no.
Grandma's Boy: Watching jokerehasheded from other sick-out comedies for ninety minutes doesn't sound like a good time to me.
Tristan and Isolde: I see this as a sign of desperation on the part of film-makers. They've had to go this far back to find material. Has anyone outside of opera fans and Arthurian legends even heard of this story.
Munich: I wish Steven Speilberg would go back to making movies like 'Jaws' and stop trying to beat us over the head with the Meaning Stick.
Hoodwinked: Patrick Warburton, why hast thou forsaken me? Although, I suppose, doing a voice on Family Guy should have been a sign that quality of material has never been important to him when it comes to voice-over work.
Nanny McPhee: Or, as I prefer to think of it, What IfÂ Mary Poppins Was Even More Treacly and Moralistic.
Inside Man: Three over-rated actors in a film by an over-rated director, which I'm sure won't contain any heavy-handed political commentary at all.
Lady in the Water: Here's my actual thoughts as I watched the trailer "OkayÂ looks self-importantÂ looks self-importantÂ looks reallyimportantportat"-Shyamalan's name flashes across the screen-"Oh dear God, no."
The Break Up: Jennifer Aniston as a bitter woman breaking up with her boyfriend. Sorry, not interested in non-fiction.