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Sean William Scott


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Monday, May 30, 2005

Trailer Reviews 

Going to the movies today? I'm not. Someone has to be at the store just in case this Memorial Day happens to be the first one in the store's 25 year history that someone decides they'd like to buy a comic book. But, if you're planning on going to the movies, here's my reactions to the trailers you may be seeing. Ranking is based on how effective they are at wanting me to see the movie, In The Theater, Rented Through Netflix or Watch It On Cable If The TV Gets Stuck In The On Position And You Can No Longer Turn It Off.

Theater
March of the Penguins: It's a nature documentary...about penguins. On the off-chance that it even plays anywhere near me, I'm off to see it. Heck, I may take time off work.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Whether or not the trailer looks good is a moot point, as Pete has made it quite clear that we will be seeing this film, probably on opening day. The montage of the kids ageing at the opening is kind of nice, but having read the book, and knowing that there's almost no way this film is going to run much past two hours in length, they're pretty much going to have to cut out everything that isn't an action sequence from the film, aren't they?

Fantastic Four: Again, I've been told that I will be seeing it. That being said, it actually doesn't look too bad. It's got Chris Evans and Ioan Gruffud, so the beefcake factor is decent. And Chris Evans, at least, appears to realize what kind of film he's in and is hamming it up. And, really, it's not like it's going to be worse than, say Daredevil or Batman & Robin. It's going to be dumb, and it's probably not going to be very good, but it might be fun.

Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Hee. This looks funny, demented, and perhaps just a bit naughty.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe: Tilda Swinton was the best thing about Constantine, so this film has got that going for it. Again, this film doesn't look bad, but I'm not exactly filled with confidence for some reason. It may be that disquieting rumor I keep hearing that Disney plans to heavily market this as a religious movie, to try and grab some of that The Passion money. I hope that's not the case, because I really think that the success of that film was more a fluke engendered by the fake "controversy" and the "big event" marketing that went into it. This film would probably more benefit from a "family film/if you liked LOTR" approach to marketing. Of course, this is another film that Pete is going to make me go see, so ultimately my opinion is moot.

Howl's Moving Castle: More simply beautiful animation from Miyazaki.

The Dukes of Hazzard: Remember a few days ago when I said there was a movie coming out that I was really looking forward to, that nobody would guess that I was looking forward to? This is it. The Broken Lizard guys are involved in it, it's got a likeable cast, they seem to be strenuously avoiding taking the material seriously, and I still have a nostalgic fondness for the show from when I was a kid. So, yeah, this is the one that Pete doesn't get to argue with me about seeing.

The Legend of Zorro: A new novel, a new comic book, and now a new movie. It's a good year to be Zorro. I'm always down for a good swashbuckler, so despite some groan-inducing dialogue and unconvincing CGI stunts, I'm going to hope that this turns out to be a fun time. But you know what would improve it? Bunny Wigglesworth.

November: Courtney Cox in a dramatic mystery, one that promises some intriguing elements. Unless, of course, it turns out to be a generic stalker plot.

Batman Begins: The Bat-Voice doesn't quite work for me, but I've now seen enough footage to think that this is probably going to be a decent action film, at least with good actors, and perhaps even some intelligence.

Sky High: There are some cute jokes here, and the cast is appealing (well, at least for the bit players...the kids all look like generic WB-grade teen performers). It has the promise of being a fun, not taking itself seriously super-hero romp. I just kind of wonder, in my blackly cynical little heart, exactly how long after the first issue of ps238 came out did this film get pitched.

Rent It
War Of The Worlds: This summer's movie to substitute explosions for plot or acting. My tolerance for Tom Cruise is very low, and Spielberg, in my opinion, is George Lucas' only rival for the "worst use of actors as a director" award. You can see all the plot points and character "moments" coming from miles away in his films. And, in the grand tradition of remakes that didn't need to happen, I'm sure that this one will be forgotten in a couple of years, while people continue to enjoy the original film (see also: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

A History of Violence: David Cronenberg tends to be very hit or miss, but he's been given an excellent cast here, so this has promise. If this had been a comic originally published by Dark Horse I'd make some kind of snarky comment about how it would be unavailable at the time of the film's release.

Mysterious Skin: Greg Araki, as a director, is very hit or miss. The trailer goes for the "suggestiveness over explanation" approach to the film, so it's hard to get a strong assessment of whether it's going to be worthwhile or not.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Tim Burton's movies always look interesting. He has no idea what actors are for, and he can't tell a story, but his movies look good. I'm sure once the novelty of this version wears off, people will go back to the Gene Wilder version for their preferred viewing of the story. Remember, the last time Burton tried to "improve" a film he gave us Planet of the Apes. And I may have mentioned it before, but when I say that Johnny Depp looks like a gracelessly aging drag queen in a film, that shouldn't be a complaint.

Cable
Rebound: Martin Lawrence as the coach of a children's sports team. I bet he really doesn't want the job, but then experiences a moment of heart-warming enlightenment that changes his mind. And then the kids come from behind to win the big tournament. Man, that would be awesome, and a totally unexpected plot development!

Layer Cake: I realize that Matthew Vaughn is supposed to be the new hotness, but all this trailer says to me is that he's watched a bunch of British crime movies and absorbed all of their cliches. I'll just go and watch Snatch again, thanks.

The DaVinci Code: Man, this trailer just reeks of "by the numbers" doesn't it? So, so laughably bad and needlessly over-dramatised. That "in a world..." guy just kills trailers for me now, too, so that's one big strike against the film. Add in Tom Hanks and Ron Howard, neither of which has really ever done any films I've liked, and I'll be staying far, far away from this. I may not even go see movies at theaters this is playing at, just in case those films get worse by proximity.

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D: Wow...even by the rather loose standards of kid's films, this looks cheesy and insulting to the intelligence of the viewer.

Land of the Dead: To be honest, I only ever really liked the original Night of the Living Dead. And I really don't ever need to see another film in this over-saturated, over-exposed genre ever again. Shaun of the Dead really should have been the last word on the subject of cinematic zombies.

Bomb the System: Turning taggers into anti-authority heroes? No thanks. I can sort of see what they're going for. Some people mistake vandalism for art, so they use vandals as viewpoint characters for their gritty urban drama. But not only do I have no sympathy for any of the characters immediately because they are vandals, but the film wants to beat you over the head with how "serious" and "important" it is. Look for the hipper-than-thou set to rave on and on about how fantastic this film is.

Dreamer: Father-daughter bonding over horse-racing. I'm sure this won't be sappy or sentimental at all.

Valiant: The heavy-pastel color scheme is very distracting, and annoying. And really, I didn't find anything even remotely funny in the trailer. Just lots of the usual stupid puns and fart jokes that make up kid's movies these days.

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© 2007 Dorian Wright. Some images are © their respective copyright holders. They appear here for the purposes of review or satire only.