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Saturday, April 30, 2005
Lessons the Internet has Taught Me
Never express an opinion that at all differs from that of the majority, or more usually the vocal minority. It doesn't matter what you opinion is, or how you said it, you're wrong.
Should you ever have the audacity to find the work of "nerd made good" favored creators, such as Joss Whedon, Brian Bendis or Quentin Tarantino, to be of inferior quality, it must be because you are jealous of their massive talents. Creators who have fallen out of favor are fair game however.
Failing to be irrationally enthusiastic about someone else's favorite work is proof that you are being unreasonable.
Never be calm and rational when people are busy being outraged. Never attempt to apply logical thought to a "controversial" topic.
It doesn't matter what you said, or how you said. Somebody was offended by it. And the fact that they were offended means you were in the wrong. It won't stop them from going back to your site over and over though. Apparently people like to be offended.
If your clique seems predisposed to like a work, you must praise it beyond its actual merits. If they dislike it, you must trash it beyond its flaws. Once the decision has been made that a work is bad, you must now attempt to outdo all the other members of your clique in hyperventilating, super-negative attacks on the work, its creators, and the people who dare to think differently about it than you do. This is regardless of the work's actual flaws or merits, or the critical or popular reaction to the work. In none of this is it actually necessary to read the book/see the movie/listen to the album/etc. yourself.
It doesn't matter how many people out there are acting and thinking exactly the way you do; you're an iconoclast, the lone voice of sanity in the wilderness.
In serial entertainments, anything that happens in the plot or to a character that you happen not to like was clearly put there as a personal insult to you.
White heterosexual males must always be the final arbiters of what is or is not racist, sexist or homophobic. (Oh, and there's no racism, sexism or homophobia in the comic book industry, and all the people who claim there is need to grow up!)
Other people are patronizing and condescending. You're just forthright and honest.
When you have nothing original or intelligent to say yourself, make sure to point out other people's inconsequential grammar or spelling errors. That way they know that you're smarter than them.
Anyone with a web-page with a higher hit count than yours is clearly an idiot. Be sure to make snide comments directed at them whenever the opportunity presents itself. Because you're not jealous or desperate for attention and have to resort to being a jerk to get it.
"Irony" means "made of iron."
Adopting the web persona of a popular curmudgeon, such as Warren Ellis, only without the wit or intelligence, is always a good idea.
Anyone who would devote the time to making a knowing, self-aware list of fake "lessons from the internet" in which maybe one or two items could potentially be true of themselves is a hypocrite.