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Saturday, December 25, 2004
A (postmodernbarney.com) Carol
Man, I couldn’t get a wink of sleep last night…these “ghosts” kept appearing to me and showing me scenes of Christmas cheer and joy in an attempt to get me to change my ways and embrace the “goodness of man” and “the true Christmas spirit.”
The first one kept saying that my cynicism in Christmas is linked to the fact that one year I got a “Masters of the Universe” action figure instead of an RC car. When I pointed out that playing with He-Man made me gay and that I thought that was a fair trade, she got a little discouraged.
The next one tried to show me how good mankind was, and as demonstration claimed to have grown large and fat on “the milk of human kindness.” The guy was, maybe, 98 pounds sopping wet and barely came up to my elbow, and I’m kind of short. Ghosts must not like that when you point that sort of thing out to them and he left in a huff.
The third ghost showed up in grim reaper drag and showed me how everyone would feel if I died without adopting the hypocritical “I love Christmas” attitude of all the people going into debt to buy relatives they don’t really like things they don’t need and can’t use. To be perfectly honest, things looked pretty much the same then as they do now. I mean, you’d have to be a real egomaniac to think that the whole world’s destiny hinges on whether or not you can get excited about Christmas.
Still, it was a more interesting night than last Christmas Eve, when I had that deformed moose with a 40-watt nose show up on my lawn and tell me that Santa Claus was being held prisoner by an evil burgomeister and that a sasquatch was attacking the Island of Misfit Toys, and that I had to help him find Frosty’s magic hat to save Christmas…apparently Animal Control euthanizes deformed mooses as soon as they get them into custody. At least I got something interesting to hang over my mantle out of all that.