Now that the messy business of exposition is out of the way, we can get right in to the nitty-gritty of artifacts cursed by Satan killing people. And so we open on our second episode at the “The Eternal Brotherhood,” an apparently non-denominational order of monks who have decided against selling their monastery, to the appropriately humble chagrin of Brother Not Evil. Sadly, while the Abbot goes to feed his pigeons, a hooded figure using an antique quill pen writes about the terrible fate of the Abbot, who then dies by green-screen.
We cut to Jack, Mickey and Ryan in the shop, as Ryan reads a news article about a monk who can predict the deaths of others. Mickey, who just last week was nearly killed by an evil doll, scoffs at the suggestion that it is possible to tell the future, while Jack talks about Nostradamus as if he was not a translator of ancient texts whose works were twisted by later writers into alleged prophecies. Jack sees the paper and recognizes the quill as one he procured for Vendredei, made from the feather of a Chilean condor (the worst kind, apparently), and thus obviously a cursed object. Jack hatches a plan to sneak into the monastery as visiting monks while Mickey scoffs at the notion of a monastery not allowing women inside because she apparently has no idea what a monastery is.
The plan goes ahead, though, when they tape down Mickey’s breasts to disguise her as a man, because monks don’t know what women look like.
The monastery is the usual horror movie type, with lighting by candle, flagellants and torture chambers. The torture chamber includes a working guillotine, because why wouldn’t it? Brother Not Evil suspects that Mickey and Ryan are journalists, attempting to get close to Brother Curry, the Death Oracle monk, so he assigns Brother Narc to keep an eye on them. Mickey and Ryan find Brother Curry’s room deep inside the torture dungeon, and learn that maybe telling someone “we know all about your evil cursed pen that kills people” isn’t the best way to get people to co-operate. The next day, Brother Curry predicts that the Abbot will die, and sure enough, just before midnight a new Abbot is selected and dies by bed canopy, despite Mickey and Ryan’s attempts to save him. Brother Not Evil interrogates the pair, trying to determine who they really are, and shortly Jack arrives as well to help, along with a facsimile pen to make a switch. Meanwhile, it transpires that Brother Not Evil, the new Abbot, is a murderer on the run and Brother Curry is his ex-con patsy, and Brother Not Evil has been using the pen as part of an elaborate real estate fraud scheme to gain control of the monastery and sell it to developers. Brother Curry gains a conscience too late to spare himself a death by guillotine, and Brother Not Evil attempts to have Mickey and Ryan killed as well, only for his plan to fail because he doesn’t actually know their real names.
Jack searches the monastery and finds the original bill of sale for the pen, and Brother Narc discovers that Mickey is a woman when he spies on her through the gloryhole in the monastery shower.
Because of course there’s a gloryhole in the shower.
Brother Not Evil finds Jack searching his room and puts him into an elaborate death trap in the torture chamber. As you do. But Brother Narc turns on Brother Not Evil when he overhears the details of the corrupt real estate deal. As the cast back-and-forths a bit, Mickey is able to make the switch and Ryan rescues Jack, only for Brother Not Evil to discover the switch and catch them all, along with the face-turned Brother Narc. Planning to finally get rid of them all, he writes about the death of the impostor monk, not realizing that it’s on the original bill of sale with his real name on it. Brother Evil dies by flying guillotine, Ryan makes an inappropriate joke, and Mickey finally gets out of the robe.
As a sophomore effort this wasn’t too bad. The plot runs a bit slow, leading to a rushed final act, and there are an awful lot of contrived coincidences and convenient set-pieces that don’t hold up to any kind of logical scrutiny. But we do get a hint of how the curses work, with Jack explaining that the pen could only do evil, by way of explaining why Brother Not Evil only used it to kill instead of, say, writing that he won the lottery. But it’s also implied that the objects require the will of a user to really work.
A Very Robey 80s